I am having relationship trouble.
Things started off so well. In the beginning there was a mutual love. That love turned in to respect. Then, over time, I am pretty sure things are turning more “alpha male” which is causing a little issue in the house.
No, my wife has not turned in to a man. I am talking about one of the cats. The boy cat. The smart little shit who needs to have a think about changing his ways before I change my shoe size and turn him in to cream.
Just recently, he has decided that my pillow is the comfiest place to sleep. Now, most cats curl up on the bed. But he does it while I am laying on the pillow trying to sleep. It generally ends up in my snorting cat hair all night and hoping he hasn’t wiped his arse as he had an itch. That’s fine…you know, in a “He better not have rubbed his arse on my pillow” way. Annoying but fine. Well, until I get pink eye…and then there will be blood.
Except.
I woke up a couple of days ago to this horrendous noise. It was about 2am and there was a noise like someone sucking on a gobstopper while drinking a can of coke and chewing on a steak. It wasn’t pretty.
I turned around to see where the noise was coming from, and there is the boy. Sat on my pillow right next to my head, legs wide open and licking himself. And I don’t mean on the paws. Right in my face was a cat’s penis and him vigorously…well…I dunno…cleaning himself or getting his dues for the yoga lessons he must have been taking recently?
I used the phrase “Get the eff of my pillow you little shit!” and employed a general throwing action that for a second made him think he could fly. Normally a cat would then think “Whoops…” but he is stupid. So he climbs straight back up, plonks himself down on my pillow and continues to pleasure himself. I gave an encouraging “Please don’t!” in the form of a throw that made him think he was no longer a bird, but now a plane. This seemed to to the trick.
For a couple of minutes.
When he decided that now he had “finished”, he needed a cuddle. I mean….he is a male right? I know I had his joy department removed and all that, but he still has the twig even if the giggleberries are in a hazardous materials bin in some vet’s office.
He climbs back on the bed, wanders over to me and lays down beside me. On his side. About half way down my my body.
I am now spooning with my cat. And he is purring like mad in enjoyment.
It is more than likely that Littleous Gitteous was asleep all day as he decided that it wasn’t time to sleep. So after a short spooning session in which I felt my naked body and his tail WAY too close to my body, he got up and decided that he would bug me a little more.
He climbs on to my chest and turns around. Sticking his arse right in my face, he starts to do that kneading thing they do. Claws out and tearing my stomach apart. Then, without warning, decides to bit me.
Down there.
He spent the rest of the night outside in the cold “thinking” about the error of his ways.
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