My nuts hurt.
I mean that figuratively, but if you ever want to know about any aches and pains I have in my groinal area, you are gonna have to let me know. Or maybe I will just blurt it out while talking about the story of Snow White or something.
But they hurt because someone (not mentioning any names, so lets call him God) tied me down and took a good run up before giving it to me in a way I was not ready for. Yes, all that “He giveth…and he taketh away” crap that gets pelted out seems in this case to be bang on the money.
What a git.
So why have I just called God a git? Because he is. Granted, I am not completely in agreement that he exists, but if he does, the naughty little deity is toying with me and my emotions in a way that really doesn’t make him so “supreme beingy” and makes him more “supreme gittious”.
Let me set the scene. I was surfing. I was on my favourite site. The lights were off the tissues were close at hand and I was enjoying some alone time with my laptop. And then the ominous noise of the key being put in the front door arrived. Rapidly pulling my trousers up Scrambling to change the website so my wife wouldn’t see my laptop on the page I was going to get her Christmas present from, I landed on a page that had the headline “Alcohol ‘protects men’s hearts‘”
What??!!! So let me get this right. I start this get healthy BS, and “He” makes my second favourite past time healthy. You gotta be friggin kidding me. So I read on because I figured it was a joke. The very single next words on this news story?
Drinking alcohol every day cuts the risk of heart disease
Every bloody day? Holy crap. Someone put a cigarette out on little Sy because I am now not in enough pain. This was followed by
Female drinkers did not benefit to the same extent
So lets get this right. Me and the wife can go out. I can get healthy by drinking a shedload of my favourite hop and barley induced beverage…and she has to drive as drinking for her isn’t really that healthy.
I hate you God.
In utter disgust, I needed cheering up so went to my favourite quirky news site. God…you are starting to take the piss.
This is what I read:
Beer lovers are being given the chance to take the plunge in a health spa pool – filled with 42,000 pints of lager.
Spa bosses in Starkenberg, Austria, claim that beer can treat skin conditions, blood circulation and can even help cure wounds.
The spa – part of a local brewery – contains seven 13ft long pools filled with beer which you can even ask to be served chilled or heated.
OK, so him upstairs decided that I should get healthy, run marathons and give up the “unhealthy” stuff in life which has resulted in me not drinking at all at the moment. And as a thank you, he makes beer the healthiest drink on earth and then gives it magical healing properties.
I am just waiting for the news story that reads “KFC increases penis size” and I am going to get a bloody long ladder and go and have a chat with him.
What a git.
Should you feel the need to read the two news stories, they are HERE and HERE. Don’t take it to heart…he doesn’t like any of his children.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 