Ah yes. Christmas. The time when the TV shows an abundance of crap adverts (compared to normal?). But this time of year it seems to be every other ad is for some fragrance or another. I now feel I need to wear something or other that I shouldn’t be. It is for women. But it has an ad where Charlize Theron ends up in her birthday suit. How did the marketing people know that would work for me? Coz, well, it does. And now I feel the need to walk around naked wearing nothing but high heels. It isn’t fair. Last time I did that, I got to spend a week in a special room and they did tests on me to find out “why is this dude so friggin nuts?” as they put it. OK, so I did it at a funeral. I thought it was going to be mine when I realised what I was doing. People can be touchy. I have given up the Pro Plus since those crazy young days.
Earlier I saw an ad for “I am King” by Sean John. In unrelated news, who the hell is Sean John?? And should I care? And why in the ad is he wearing a tux while riding a jet ski along the water while whoever narrates it sounds like they are on 400 cigarettes a day? And why does he think we care? And why does he think he is a “king” when he is closer to “arrogant idiot full of self importance”? And why when I write “arrogant idiot full of self importance”, do I think of myself? Aaanyway. Moving along.
But with this, I have decided to release a fragrance. I know I did a post about this before. I would hunt it down and give you a link, but I honestly cant be bothered. Call me lazy, hell call me sexy. Just call me. Someone. I am sooooo lonely. But that post was different. In this one, I have taken whatever the hell his name is, and have exclusively created “I am Donkey”. The tag line? “Because you smell like an ass”. Originally, I was going to call it Donkey Kong, but I believe there is some trade mark and figured they wouldn’t want me saying donkey kong made you smell like an ass, whereas wearing Sean John seems to make you look like an arse. In my ad for it, there will be a field of donkeys all covered in their own faeces and the voiceover will say “I am Donkey…the new fragrance for people with low self esteem”. It’s a winner I tell you.
But anyway. These stupid ads. Why do they do the ads in a foreign language? I am in England. It is pronounced Fragrance. Fray-Gran-ce. Not Free-groun-ceh. Speak English already. All I hear is “Puke. The new Free-groun-ceh by give-an-cheek. Who the hell is that? And if I go to the shop and say “I want my wife to smell like kiss-my-cheeks, well, it is not going to end well for my shopping trip is it. I like online shopping, but being banned from my local shopping centre for telling the naughty looking young lady to kiss my cheeks?
Maybe when it comes to that dude with two first names (you just know his surname is Peterfranklingsonton or something) I don’t understand the whole riding a jet ski wearing a tux as I am not as “hip” as I thought I was. In fact, I have recently found out I am less Ghetto and more Sesame Street. And I don’t mean in the “That cool cookie monster” way. I mean more that annoying tall git. No not Dolph Lungren. I mean Big Bird.
OK, so I am 34. I am not old. But I am seemingly in that inbetween age between not knowing just what the hell a teenager is saying or considering slipping in to slippers and a pipe territory.
But anyway. It’s Christmas. Have yourselves a great one, unless you don’t celebrate it. There is five pounds of donkey crap to the first person to wish me a Merry Christmas…and I want presents.
See you in 2010.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 