Wow. Almost a month since my last post. In my defence, I have been busy.
Just last week for instance, I realised I needed to cut my toenails, so I did that. And then shave my armpits, chest, legs, arms…actually, I should probably mention that I have had a sex change. I am now a female goat called Hoshui. I am very much looking forward to being milked! Oh…hang on.
You see? It isn’t that I am a slacker, I have been genuinely busy.
I have also continued to do that pesky running thing getting ready for the marathon. That may be the real reason for my continued absence. I am really not that good at it. I am more of a bouncing bomb than a streamlined image of awesome.
Which leads me galloping along to this months weeks post.
I went for a short run last week and got me one of these:
Oh, I should probably mention that it isn’t pretty, so if you are scweemish, look away now. If you aren’t scweemish…you are a hero. Go get a gold star and a lollipop!
Huh. I should have really put the disclaimer above the image eh? Well, ya seen it now. Stop moaning you big wuss. You don’t have to have it attached to your foot do you!? You haven’t been walking around like someone just jammed a lamp post up your arse have you? Exactly. And no, I haven’t had the lamp post treatment either. But walking was an issue regardless. Sitting down on the other hand…noooo problem at all.
Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “Holy crap…with feet like that, he must have a face like a smacked arse!”. Well, you could be right. And if you spent some time stalking me on facebook, you would actually find out. Or, you could save that 3 minutes of your life and go boil an egg. Of course, if you underboil the egg, just like looking at the the photo of me on Facebook, you will be violently ill. You have been warned.
That is the thing about feet isn’t it. Had I had not shown you my dirty sweaty ugly foot, and left you to imagining that people who write websites are all sexy and stuff, you would probably think that I currently look like this:
And then in a few years when I am older, I will look like this:
Yeah yeah, I know guys…but we spend so much time looking at the lovely girls of the interweb, I figured I should put something up for the ladies, so it was those two photos or a love poem. And my poetry generally centres around the size of my little guy. Not that romantic, and I don’t think they are interested anyway.
But instead of the two images above, after looking at the image of my blister soaked foot, you get the idea I look like this:
Hey, don’t knock it. The guy never wore shoes, and you know what his name is don’t you! What do you mean no? It’s Gandhi for bloody hells sake. And no, I don’t know why his man boobs look a little weird. OR why he doesn’t have a laptop. Actually, for someone that people think is awesome, the dude REALLY needs to sort his crap out. I mean what is that? A friggin crayon he is writing with? And why does he have that sulky face going on? Enlightened my left buttock.
But anyway. I digress. Back to my foot.
So yeah, a small blister. But it doesn’t end there. I got home and decided I would lance it. So picking up my rustiest pin, I jammed that tetanus soaked metal in the side side of the blister. Hooooooly crap!
Lets just say there was a little pressure in there. I tried to take a photo of it, but you wouldn’t get the full effect. The juice (is that the right word? I mean it wasn’t puss. Nor blood. Nor a signed autograph of Madonna.) that came out squirted about 2ft high. I am actually not lying here or embellishing (I embellish? Ah come on…you lie!). It was frankly disgusting. But having just come back from a run, I was thirsty so spent the first few seconds trying to drink it like it was some weird sicky drinking fountain.
I recommend not doing that. When you are there, drinking your own foot juice, and a family member walks in the room…well…YOU try explaining it. It was bad enough that I got it in my eye so as my wife walked in, I was stood there half naked, licking my lips and winking ferociously.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 