A few days back, I attended a funeral. Not the first one I have been to…and being that I am still alive, certainly not the last one I will go to. Every cloud and all that.
On the drive home, I did some reflecting (I was too busy listening to the music during the funeral to reflect then like I was supposed to). And thought long and hard about something that was said during the service. Thinking during the drive home made the most sense as my wife and child were in the car, it was pissing it down with rain, the car was aquaplaning all over the place, so it made sense to get lost in my thoughts and not pay any attention to the road while driving too fast. Luckily we all made it home in one piece, although my underwear was a little on the stained side.
Anyway. What I was reflecting on during the drive was that in every funeral I have been to (not many…you know, I am not some serial funeral goer to..er or something weird) the same line was said. And I wonder if it happens at every funeral. The line was “…was loved by everyone”.
OK, so I am not too sure if it is mentioned on death row or anything because I am quietly confident that the average serial killer is maybe not so loved by everybody. But regardless…I had a thought about it and realised mine has to be different. Maybe a few truths instead of the standard lines. Not that the standard lines are lies…you know..before you think I am being horrible about the dearly departed amongst us.
Instead of the “Sy was loved by everyone” line, I am thinking I could have:
Sy liked to wear socks when his feet were cold.
He was also not overly loved all of the time.
At times, his wife wanted to shove a mildly hot poker in a place that isn’t his mouth. For those in the audience too stupid, we mean in his arse. She found him annoying. Selfish. Arrogant. A bit of a twat. At times, he wished to flush one of his cats down the toilet when it cleaned it’s arse while sitting by his head…but never had an issue with using the cat to scratch his own arse. He would eat his daughters yoghurt’s…but only the ones she really likes…because they are also the ones he really likes. He would then tell his wife that she had eaten all 6 yoghurt’s that day. Being a young child who couldn’t talk, she could not defend herself. The world will be a better place without him. Although cadburys may find that their profits go down because he ate so much chocolate.
We wont miss the bitter idiot.
Fair? I dunno. If you don’t know me well…it’s all lies I tell you! If you know me well…sod off. You aren’t welcome around this post.
In unrelated news, I just had a large coffee. Yeah I get that you didn’t need to know that. I just like to share. It is important in life.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 