I feel far too many posts have been about me and that goddamn marathon recently. For that, I apologise. So. Back to the crazy we go.
It has always been said that the Germans are a little on the crazy side. When I say “It has always been said”, I actually mean “I am making this part up”. But what I am not making up is the story of a German man that married his cat. As it laid there dying. So I guess it CAN be said that they are a little on the crazy side then.
Marrying a dying cat? What a guy! Why not punch it in the gut just after it says “I do!” too? You know…he is obviously marrying it for it’s money, but geez…what is it gonna have? “Your cat…Cecilia…has left her worldly belongings to her husband Uwe. The belongings consist of a bag of catnip and some pouches of food.” Dufus. What were you expecting? Hidden treasure? Gold coated fur-balls? To sell it’s kidney as part of the Pussycat Shared-Organ Feline Foundation? (Or PS-OFF for short)
Side note: A man called Uwe? What is he? A ManSheep hybrid? That would be a more fun news story though…German sheep marries cat.
Now, I can understand his loss. I also love my cats. Sure, I don’t want to have sexual relations with them, and they are ALWAYS the little spoon in the bed because I like to dominate. But I just don’t get it. He married it? Was he just wanting to share her pain because generally, marriage will do that to a man.
But there is the one part I don’t understand (you know, apart from ALL of it). Cats say 1 word and 1 word only. Meow. For instance:
Hey…Pussycat…do you want food? MEOW!
Oi. Tosspot…did you just throw up in my shoes? MEOW!
MEOW! *cough* MEOW! *cough* – Fur-ball! Result! I shall leave that under his pillow!
MEOW! – I don’t care if you are sitting on the toilet…I want to come in!
MEOW! – I just left a dead mouse in your bed.
MEOW! – I don’t want to be the little spoon anymore. Roll over.
MEOW! – I have just been hit by a car and lay here dying.
MEOW! – NO I DON’T WANT TO MARRY YOU YA SICK FREAK!
Meoooooowwwww – I am almost dead.
Silent and stiff as a board – I am dead.
See? The only time they DON’T say MEOW! is when they have croaked it. So when he married it, I find it highly unlikely that it was saying “I do! I do!”.
But then, as the NEWS STORY mentions:
“Cecilia is such a trusting creature. We cuddle all the time and she has always slept in my bed”
Yeah? Well according to TV ads, I should buy a new mattress every 29 seconds because of bed bugs. And if I don’t, I will be sharing the bed with millions of them. You don’t see me marrying them though do you? And we are close. Very close. They suck my blood. You don’t get much closer than that without sharing a uterus.
My cats also share my bed. Even after hearing the words “Get the frig off of my pillow you furry annoying dumb stupid freakin little shit! How many goddamn times do I have to tell you!”, I can generally be filled with an air of confidence that I will find said cat curled up on my bed. Still not gonna marry it.
So. In closing….if you marry your pet…I am gonna call you a freak. Now. Where is my cat. I gotta get my spoon on.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 