I have a nemesis. A cucumber to my sandwich so to speak. Ah come on. The stuff is bloody evil. It is green to start with, and everyone who likes it says “But it doesn’t taste of anything!” Well why the hell are you eating it then? If a cardboard box didnt taste of cardboard, do you think I would stick it in my sandwich? Exactly. And if I were to be fed sausages that had been hollowed out and someone put cat crap in there…would I eat them? Even if they had no taste? Ergo…cucumber…evil.
Yes I appreciate that I used the word “Ergo” there. And I am as educated as what comes out of a squirrel’s bottom…but you know, sometimes I say stuff like that. Edumacated isn’t I.
Anyway. My nemesis. The epitome of evil. Someone who is undoing everything I have built up over the last 14 months. What I have worked hard to do. What I have driven myself to be. And the little sod has come along and somehow (I haven’t worked it out yet) managed to ruin it. All. Well not all. But a lot of it.
Fiiiine. I will tell you what I am on about.
This nemesis of mine. Let’s call him “Burdy”. Why Burdy? Why the hell not. And no, it isn’t because he has wings…but he IS a bit of a girl. He has ran in 4 of the last 5 races I have ran in. Let’s look at the results of these races.
The 4 he was in… My slowest ever 10k time in one. I ended up in an ambulance in another. I suffered horrendously in the third and got a time I was VERY unhappy with. My fourth…a half marathon in which I was a whole 19 minutes…yes…19. Not just 19…it was a Paul Hardcastle N.N.N.N.Nineteen. Geez…showing my age here. But 19 minutes SLOWER than my best. I would have been better off climbing a tree and making inappropriate bird noises at the passing runners. (Note: Look up what an inappropriate bird noise might sound like)
The 1 race he wasnt in. I felt good the whole race. Kept the same speed in the early half of the race and the last 5 miles I got faster. All these races were in a close space of time. Weeks apart even.
So in the car on the way home yesterday, Gitly says “Huh…well maybe you are superman and I am your kryptonite”. Good bloody point. Except that I want to be Batman. He has a way cooler utility belt, doesn’t have to take his glasses off to “Get in to character” and well…he has a sidekick he can abuse. And hard nipples come as standard in his outfit. So maybe I should make Mr Burdy my sidekick. I said that he could be known as Throbbing because Robin is so yesterday. But then that would give the illusion he has blood running to the parts that I don’t want to talk about. His wife calls him pinhead. I once thought of asking why, and then I thought “Ooohh…yeah OK. Really small cock. Got it.”
So I dunno. I need some advice on how to deal with Mr Nemesis. So far all I have come up with is:
– Driving him out of town – It could work, but then I would be bored training alone. Training with him is fun. I have never wanted to make a man pant before because…well…straight. So it amuses me getting him to the point where he cant stand up.
– Break his kneecaps – I considered it, but he borrowed my hammer several months ago, and then I found out he has an unhealthy fetish with claw hammers…and now I don’t want it back. Not without a very good clean anyway. I dread to think what state his kidneys are in.
– Trip him up on our next race, stamp on his head and say “Ha! Screw you!” – Considering it.
– Adopt him as my child – You are allowed to legally smack your own child huh?
Whatever I do, I gotta do it soon. I have 3 marathons in 5 weeks starting April next year…and I am pretty confident that the way I am going backwards when he is around, I may be an embryo by then.
Yours lovingly, (no, not you)
Sy Button. Benjamin’s brother.
PS – Go abuse him please. You can find him HERE. Tell him Sy sent you and he wants his hammer back.
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