It’s been a while since I abused a news story. Too many posts have been a little too “Me”centric recently. Good news!
In what can only be classed as first class journalism and not wasting the time of anyone’s day in reporting something so utterly pointless that you would be better off pulling your toenails off with only a can of tomato soup and a harmonica……
A man has won a place in the guiness book of records for collecting the most fluff from his belly button.
No really. He did. What a hero. This piece of journalistic genius was reported HERE. You know. If you really feel the urge to read about it. No? Don’t blame you. It’s worse than the crap I write…and that’s saying something!
I mean honestly. There are hobbies and there are hobbies. I for instance like to collect dog poop. But ONLY dog poop that is from a Labrador (colour and breed not important. I am a non-discriminatory labrador poo lover.) But do you see me taking my 18 tonnes of lovingly collected crap to the Guinness World Records corporation and asking “So. I have a LOT of crap. Do I win!?!” because honestly…that would be pretty sad. Plus people would know about my hobby, which at the moment is safe because I don’t tell anyone about it.. Shhhh….
He apparently has 22.1 grams of the stuff. Because why WOULDN’T you measure it. But the worst part of all this? He sold it. Not to some Internet freak who is going to smoke it, or use it as some new chewing gum. Not even to some insane asylum wannabe that would collect labrador poo. Nope, he sold it to a museum for an undisclosed sum. I am assuming they also signed over the guy that agreed to buy it’s brain to medical science to understand just why the hell he would want to buy 2 jars of finest gut lint.
I dont want to get too graphic here…but…what next? Some guy who puts really warm tight shorts on, works out a lot and then bottles up the sweat that builds up on his knackers (yeah he exists…see 2 posts ago about my nemesis…yup, he does it. I wouldn’t lie to you.) and then tries selling it to the nearest bidder as fresh spring water. It had LUMPS in it! What the hell. The guy needs serious help.
But back to the Lint chocolatier (see what I did there? Clever huh! Oh you don’t all know what lindt is? Well then. Pointless is my middle name.)
My two favourite parts of the “news” story:
While most people have a positive reaction to his collection there is “a small minority – usually women” who find it unappealing.
Uh-huh. You think so huh? And have you wondered why? Maybe it is because…..my favourite line:
“One guy might have persisted, but he got married and his wife ordered him to stop,” he added.
Oooohhh…..your SINGLE. Suddenly it ALL makes sense. I cant wait to see your collection of bum hole hairs that I am sure you are also collecting while not remotely watching dodgy adult movies alone at night. Maybe you could even use some of the lint do patch up the holes in your girlfriend.
Harsh? Ah come on…the guy is collecting belly button puke! Work with me here….
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 