A couple of weeks ago, I got told I was incredibly and unbelievablya little grumpy and should really live in a cave. This was said by a man wearing a pair of running tights that were so tight that it looked like they had been painted on to his legs…which were tied together. I mean not to say that they looked a little too tight, but his face was purple where all the blood was rushing to his head as it couldn’t go anywhere else. We wont mention the fact that they “shape” as we will end up in the realms of jokes about his…look, I don’t wanna talk about that bit and you don’t want to read about that bit. Instead, lets just put a photo on here. Actually, I cant because the photo I took came out a little blurred where I was laughing so damned hard. Instead, I shall use an artists impression:
Yeah I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “What a pathetic drawing. He only has one leg, a square head and 6 fingers on each hand”.
In my defense, he does have 6 fingers on each hand. It’s a “family thing” apparently. As for the rest. Well, I was laughing so hard that my eyes were somewhat squint, so this is a true impression of what I saw. And the one leg thing? Nooo…there are two legs there. That is what I mean. Those tights were so freakin tight that everything kind of moulded in to one.
But anyway. Back to my cave. Yes, it seems I may have become a touch grumpy of late. With good reason I may add.
Amongst a lot of things, I had a particularly nasty sexual experience. I mean really, getting cramp in your hand is never nice is it. Especially at that time when your eyes are starting to twitch, your toes start to curl and you start to make noises like a constipated stallion. And that was it. Game over. Cut off in my prime so to speak.
My running ability has gone from awesome to complete and utter pants quicker than a guy with severe premature ejaculation. One second it was all good, the next “Already?” and that was it. I don’t think I had even tied my shoes. I should start training in a goddamn Tu-Tu. Change my name to “Heather – The Slowest Runner in the West” and start braiding my hair.
Which I have serious issues with. Where is my hair going? I am going balder quicker than a man with…oh…done that one. Geez…recycling jokes is horrendous. I miss my hair. We used to get on so well. I mean sure, every morning I would wake up, wash it and then stick so much product in it that it wouldn’t move for the rest of the day. But it got it’s own back the night I had an awesome dream about Angelina Jolie, me and a cold pot of Starbucks coffee. And a box of sellotape. And a pen. I woke up stuck to the bed.
Another thing making me a little grumpy is my SatNav. The bastard. I love it…but I also hate it. 2 days ago it decided that my usual route was getting boring for me and took me down a road tighter than my bank balance and bumpier than….umm…a bumpy thing? I dunno, I cant really think of a word to explain the pot holed filled cesspit of a road that would be better off having it’s pitiful existence surgically removed and inserted in to it’s own anus. Ohh…there, see, found a way to word it.
My road rage is coming on very well. “Oh my god…you didnt let me out of the junction even though you had the right of way…I will now catch up with you and drive REALLY close to the back of you car to piss you off!” was one example where I did very well not to slam the breaks on, get out of the car tear off his head and take it to a place that doesn’t normally appear in childrens books. And I dont mean Austria.
But what I think is really that one that has made me a touch grumpy is that I decided I had put a little weight on. So I got a tube of hemorrhoid cream and swallowed it. Why? Because I figured it would shrink my stomach. It didn’t really do what I had hoped it would do. Although I got loads all over my lips while trying to swallow it. The next morning my lips had shrunk so much, I looked like a goldfish.
Explaining to the hospital that I had chowed down on said cream wasn’t the highlight of my 35 years on this planet.
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