I love my kids. I really do. I tell people about them, I put photos up on Facebook and I don’t tell lies about them.
Unlike some people.
Yup, it is that time of the year again where we (regardless of faith…or in my case utter lack of it) celebrate the birth of some kid, and 2010 years later we are still bloody harping on about it.
And why? Well, I have a theory that it may be the very first lie ever recorded.
You know how us men every so often tell a white lie and hoooooly crap…we cant get away from it. It is mentally noted by the female we are with and then used against us at will and at every single opportunity.
An example of this is the time I told my wife I thought she looked stunning in a top she was wearing. It was horrendous. She looked like a gherkin sat next to a pickled baby alien in a jar. It didn’t work for her. But I thought she actually liked the top and hadn’t realised she was looking for the words “Oh baby…take it off…you look like the contents of a tissue after I sneeze. And I had a mild nosebleed earlier.” Instead I lied and said it looked nice.
She remembered that lie. Used it against me on more than one occasion.
So I find it refreshing that some 2010 years and 9 months ago, some woman, for the sake of the story, we will call her Mary (coz you know, I don’t want to use the real names) got drunk and slept with her neighbour who was called Godfrey Lord. Later that night, unaware of the several million little dudes heading north to the uterus area of funville en route to meet Mr Egg, she went home to her husband. Lets call him “Joseph” (again, not using the real name to protect the innocent).
Joseph said “Heeey baby!” realising that Mary was drunk and thought he could get a little action. But she passed out from the alcohol and previous “entertainment” she had encountered with her neighbour. So he went off and watched some camel racing on the TV. Or whatever entertainment device they were using back then. Either way, it was camel racing. He lost a shedload of money betting on it which meant that when it came time to booking the hotel for the family December stay, he didn’t have the money to book in advance so would have to wing it nearer the time.
A couple of months had passed, Mary had been experiencing a lot of headaches around bedtime (seems that all marriages seem to have that huh?) so the happily married couple had still not managed to sort out their marriagely vows of going at it like crazy pidgeons once a month. And then she started throwing up every morning.
“Holy Christ!” Joseph thought….completely unaware of the statement he had just made up in his head. “What is she…pregnant?” So he asked her.
On taking a pregnancy test (you had to pee on straw in those days. None of that pee on a stick and wait for a result in 1 minute like today) and sending it off for 6 months to get it checked out, she started to get a little fatter.
“oooohhh…bollocks!” Mary thought. Realising that she is going to need to give one big fat lie to get out of this one.
“Joey…baby…I am, as they say over in Jerusalem…up the duff. It’s a miracle! The lord has chosen me!”
Cue much celebration and Joseph being obviously the dumbest man in history, fell for it hook line and sinker. Obviously I think he was partly worried that he was still living down the whole losing the deposit for the hotel thing, so I dunno…maybe he knew…maybe he didn’t. Either way, he played dumb.
So come December, they take the family holiday, but due to overcrowding because of snow, passengers were stranded and all the cheap hotel rooms were booked.
“It’s OK, I think you are an animal for what you did 9 months ago…lets chuck you in a stable…” Joseph thought. Gradually catching up to the idea that the “immaculate conception” was an anagram for “Complete bollocks of a lie”.
A few days later, baby jeebus was born. They got divorced and he grew up and married a prostitute (according to certain historical evidence) and a while later he fell in to a life of crime and got strung up for it.
So. That’s the TRUE story of Christmas. Well, according to some words I just made up (although I think it is actually as viable as the “true” version).
If you are a believer, non-believer, jihadist or just don’t care, have a great Christmas/Holiday season/day at work (delete as appropriate) and I will write some other complete rubbish next year.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 