Happy new thing. I hope that you have all made your new year resolutions and have accepted that 6 out of 4 resolutions are broken within an hour of making them.
I only made 2. 1 is to be a better father (hell, I really can’t get any worse…) and 2 is to be a little less dumb than I was over the last year. You would think that the second one is going to be pretty easy, but you know how these things never quite work out.
Of course, at a time when millions of people rip that burning cigarette from their dry lips and say “To hell with you…I shall start afresh. No longer will I be a slave to your inhalation goodness. No longer will you make me feel good. I shall no longer suck from your teat of nicotine goodness and shall cast you to the en…..ohhh…okay…one more drag…” while saying “Yeah well, I could give up whenever I want, but I choose to do it…” and then fail miserably within the first week where they turn in to some kind of monster whose sole aim is to be the single most miserable person on the planet talking about how hard their life is and that if there is a God (there isn’t) he is punishing them, I started the new year with a cigarette in my mouth.
Before I get any grief from family and friends…it was a joke having it in my mouth. I haven’t actually started smoking. Geez.
The thing is, I have never actually smoked. Ever. Nope, but I decided to bring the new year in with an action packed punch of bending over fireworks with a lit cigarette in my mouth trying to set off a rocket or two. It’s how I roll. Fortunately it didn’t go as badly wrong as it could and I am still here. Or unfortunately, you know…depending on if you read this site hoping that one day it will be my obituary and you can walk away thinking “well, it isn’t as if he didn’t deserve it.”
But lets not look forwards. That’s just silly. Lets look back. To what I achieved (or failed miserably at depending on how you look at it) over the last 12 months.
Not a lot. Well, not that is it a short list, but it is so mind blowingly boring that I am afraid that I may manage to increase the post Christmas suicide levels all on my own.
One thing I did do was to try my hand at a little plumbing. Well no, actually I tried to unblock a clogged sink. You will notice the word “tried” there. Unlike someone who types “Successfully gave plumbing a go”, I sadly couldn’t. It is in part because I don’t really think when I do stuff. See, there was a blockage, but I don’t know where. So I decided “Hey, I will take the u-bend off and see what is in there.” Except that I am fairly lazy so didn’t empty the cupboard first, I just worked around the items in the cupboard. Taking the u-bend off and it being full of water, I realise I hadn’t got a bowl with me to put the water in.
So I poured it down the plug hole. Cue water pouring in to the cupboard where I had just removed said u-bend which I hadn’t been bothered enough to actually empty. A good start. Also a very good place to stop my venturing in to the world of plumbing.
Talking about plumbing, I also found a slight problem with my daughter when she wants to pee. Well, not so much a slight problem, more a case of monkey see monkey do.
Being two and a half, she is a sponge of copying what her Dad does. Therefore I don’t do much in front of her because I don’t want her to grow up with a disadvantage to the rest of the world through learning from her old man.
But I didn’t see this one coming.
“Daddy…want to go wee wee” she said.
Off we trundle to the toilet. She stands on her pedestal she uses to climb on to the seat. Except this time she stays standing up. She yanks down her nappy and grabs hold of herself….and starts peeing.
So that is another issue with the plumbing then. She just doesn’t have the tools to stand up and pee.
You know, I am not coming off too well here so I think I will stop.
But whatever your resolutions are for the coming year, I hope they work out better than mine. Unless yours are to do evil things. But if you plan on sending me money as part of your resolutions, do it. The renewal for this site is due and I have 2 kids to feed.
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