In possibly the worst news since Sonny turned to Cher and said “You know….I may be wrong, but I get the idea I may have a little bit of a violent side. Lets find out!”, I can’t help wondering how the coffee percolator thing ran out of fiters, meaning I am nil by filtered coffee and am instead drinking that “boil the kettle” crap.
My eyes are bloodshot and I have in the last week had a handful of hours sleep. Incase you dont know how many you get in a handful, or are thinking “Yes, but you may have inexplicably large hands and have basically just hibernated for an entire week…”, it amounted to roughly 2-3 hours a night for 5 days.
The reasons are twofold. Number 1 is that I was up late watching the Ashes cricket (look it up if you don’t know..) as it is played in Australia.
Number 2 is that my wife and children are currently sunning themselves in South Africa. Leaving me alone. In an empty house. With a TV with every channel under the sun. And a fast Internet connection.
I am hoping they come back soon because I am going to be either going to run out of tissues, go cross eyed or go completely blind at this rate.
No man should be left to fend for himself. Especially me. I think they had been in the air on their way to SA for about 2 hours before the house looked like a tornado of crap had appeared and left it’s mark. I haven’t cooked dinner for a week (can’t be bothered, I actually enjoy cooking normally) yet every single pan seems to be dirty. The dirty plates have started mating with each other making smaller dirtier plates with soiled nappies of dried food all over them. If they were children, they would have been taken away from me by now and would have been given to a family of wild bears as it would be deemed better for their general health and wellbeing to be with an animal that will probably end up eating them.
Every single knife and fork has somehow been used. Possibly twice. But I am at work all day and then am home sat in front of the PC…erm….looking up interesting news articles that I can write about on here. So who is using them? And why aren’t they washing up after themselves?
It took me 3 days to work out why every single time I went to the kitchen the cats were there. Meowing. Begging. Pleading. What the hell for! What is wrong with them? Have they been using the cutlery and plates? Then I realised that maybe…just maybe….my wife feeds them, and they don’t actually open the sachets of food and put it in their bowls themselves. I thought I had intelligent cats (except the boy. The dumbass) but it seems that they are as needy as I am. So that is me and 3 cats all alone not sure who is looking after who.
And that is the other thing. Since they have been gone, the cats wont leave me alone. As if they are saying “look, they have gone…PLEASE DONT GO TOO!!!”. Except that if all three of them don’t stop bugging the crap out of me, they are going to be homeless. Especially the long haired one. She is in trouble. Because I am now living alone, I have given up all personal hygiene. I haven’t shaved at all. So when said long haired cat comes up and rubs herself against my face, I am left looking like an extra from a ZZ-Top video. But that is the thing with personal hygiene. It is so overrated. Sure, I smell now. Worse than normal. My fingernails are black. Hair is a mess. Overall body odour is in keeping with what comes out of a Great Dane’s bottom after holding it in for a couple of days…and he hadn’t been on a healthy diet. But no one is there to know. OK, the people at work at starting to question the arrival of the flies, but I am blagging that bit.
But I think the very worst thing so far to prove that I shouldn’t be left alone is that I found out that there was a distinct lack of toilet paper left. And I didn’t find out when I thought I would blow my nose either. It could have ended worse, but I got ingenious. I wont explain why or how, you may be eating your breakfast or something.
My wife comes home in 12 days time. I expect to be dead in a pile of my own feces by then. Come prod me with a stick every so often would you? Just to make sure I am OK.
Right. Been touching this keyboard long enough know that it needs disinfecting. See 2 paragraphs up and don’t think about it too much…
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 