Nothing says “I love you….but I think you should die” like a Christmas gift in the guise of a vibrator loaded with gunpowder, BB Shot and buck shot. Does it? I dunno…I mean sure, I once bough an ex girlfriend a Christmas present that made her eyes water, but I am pretty sure that the watering was happy tears, and not because I had just tried to make her explode from inside her…well, I dunno…what can I call it? I mean some of you may be too young to use some of the words I could use, others of you may be too prudish to let me use something a little more racy. So lets call it her “oh dear me lovely, that’s me lady department that is!”. But anyway, she didn’t die from the present I bought her. Yet. It’s not rigged to go off unt….you know what, lets move on.
So anyway, a guy with less brains than ability to make an exploding device had a little issue with a woman who had obviously dumped him so he got his magic box of tricks out.
According to the news story,
Inside were “cords, cables, small tool kit, drill case with drill parts (the drill was taken apart to use the parts for the vibrator bomb), one black vibrator with gunpowder, BB shot and buck shot inside, trigger attached and battery connector, one pink vibrator with ‘Merry Xmas Bitch’ written in black ink, and one cream-colored vibrator”.
OH. MY. GOD. A CREAM coloured one? The goddamn deviant. I mean sure, pink with Merry Xmas Bitch on it is standard fare in the deviant shop I go to where I can get all my kicks. isn’t it? And an exploding black one. Sure. But a cream one with nothing written on and no modifications at all? That’s the most perverted thing I ever did read.
I do have just one slight issue with the whole exploding vibrator thing. It’s in the delivery of the package. No, I know where it gets delivered, I mean how was he going to set it off? Was it on a timer? Was it set to hear the pleasurable moans of the lesser spotted walrus and go ka-boom? Actually…. No. It’s a little worse.
He said that “when the device was inserted into the female he would pull the trigger and it would blow them up”.
So he had a trigger on it because it was a bomb. Makes sense. But he had a trigger on a bomb that he was going to pull? And did he not see the possibility of a little “Splash damage”? Was he planning on going out in a blaze of being covered in exploding girlie bits? I mean really…how was he going to do it? I am going to assume that the trigger was a lead attached to it. But again, how do you pull the lead and not end up going to heaven at the same time she does….twice.
I have an idea. I think it was to be done as part of a bizarre sex game whereas he would say “Yeah baby…like that…uh-huh….” and then start backing out of the room slowly, armed with a big long lead. This would create the following scenario, put together in a drawing I drew on a train home from work last night much to the probable disgust of the woman sat next to me nosily watching what I was doing:
Now the next part is the confusing bit. Does he pull the trigger and send her to heaven or is the lead actually set alight during the time that she reaches that peak moment (apparently women have them. Can’t say I believe it as I have never seen or heard my wife having one) and she doesn’t notice the slow fizzing sound of the lead burning itself slowly towards her and just as the burning nears her feet she realises it is too late to stop and as the cries of “OH GOD!” ring out, she actually gets to meet him moments later?
And while we are on the subject. Who invented the “Oh GOD!” thing during sex? And why do atheists and agnostics also say it? I mean is the reason a non-believer says it because she is thinking “I don’t believe it!” to go along with her faith, but doesn’t have the breath in her to say that many words? I just don’t get it. And why “Oh GOD!”? Why not “Yeah baby…here it comes…I AM GONNA FAAAAAARRRRTTTT!!!”? Or “NON_EXISTENT DEITY!!!” Or even just shout out the word “TANGERINES!” as the moment arrives? Why God?
Hang on…I think I know.
It’s because both God and the female orgasm don’t actually exist isn’t it?
Click HERE to read allll about it. Excited? You should be. It has a VERY fetching picture of the Vibro-exploding-perv on the page.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 