A few days ago, someone came to my site via google with the search phrase “Who is sy from wheelturninghamsterdead”. Stalkerish? Maybe. More worrying was the day after that someone from the same place (city) searched for “killing someone while having sex” which made me worry more about the first search.
I don’t really understand the need to google that last part though. It’s obvious. The answer is “with a tub of chloroform and a copy of your favourite Sunday newspaper”. More worrying is that they found my site with that search. What the hell do I write on here!!
But really. Why do they want to know who I am. I am an enigma. A mystery. An overweight 30Something year old ugly bloke. Hell, you click the link on the right hand side of the page (this next part is of no use to you if you have this on feed or email or something) there is a link to the Facebrick group for this site. Click that. It has a person who owns the page. Me. It really isn’t rocket science. Now. Why would you like to murder me during sex? And can I just confirm. Male? Female? Attractive? Face like an asteroid hitting Earth? I just wanna know…coz if it is gonna be my last time, I have some requests. Can you bring a friend? And by “Friend”, I don’t mean 10″ black dildo or something equally painful that is staying away from me. I would prefer to go out more Charlie Sheen’esque and less “battered to death by two burly guys”.
But aside from that, there is also the weird and wonderful search engine stuff such as “is dolphin sex fun with people” and all the people that ask “what is bad about being a vegetarian” to which the answer? A bloody lot. Stop doing it. Grow up, it’s a fad…go kill a cow, slaughter a pig. Eat a bacon and steak sandwich already. Use really thick bread. Lets carbs find you.
And then their are the PR companies contact me trying to sell their wares. They appear via one of a few sites, go straight to the About page. A few seconds later I get a hit in the stats saying that they clicked the email link on that page. Normally a couple of minutes later I then get a mail saying “Hi! Been reading your site, it’s great! So, we have xxxxx and thought you could use it on your site?”
I mean sure, I can speed read. I can also drive fast and know that road safety campaigners secretly think that it is sexy. But how fast do they read to be able to read enough of the site to be able to say the “Been reading your site, it’s great!” line? Lazy lazy PR people. They should give me a job. Or just loads of money. For some inexplicable reason I also get a lot of hits from publishing houses. Guys…I can promise…nothing on this site is plagor…plajur…copied from somewhere else. And if for some reason there has been, why the hell are
you publishing that crap?
If you want to give me a book deal, see the previous line about publishing crap!
As a side note, on doing a quick spell check, it changed the word carbs to crabs. So if you DO want to let crabs get you…well…let’s leave it on tour shall we?
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 