Mother (Can I call you that?) I am feeling a little let down. I feel that you are dropping the ball a little recently. Let me explain why, and then feel free to sort it the hell out. Please.
The list could be endless, but because this is all about me, let’s talk about the couple of things that are starting to get to me.
You’re lazy. Or bias. Or racist. I dunno what it is. But either way, you are not really helping us humans out.
Back in the day when you did your job right, you realised that supermodels needed to be ridiculously thin. So. You saw a requirement and you created the sick trigger. The little dangly thing at the back of the throat which allowed them to remove lunch shortly after eating. This in turn allowed them to do their job. Well done Mother. Well done.
And then you gave up.
Lets be honest. Babies. Human babies. They have been around every since a meteor brought life to this planet or whatever the hell you decided to use to inhabit this planet. But they are as uselss now as they have always been.
Look at monkeys. Born, a few hours later chow down on a banana or two and play swingy branchy with the others.
Their necks just work. Their bodies just work. But human babies….
What’s with the crapping and complete inability to clean themselves? A monkey. It craps, it picks it up and throws it away. Job done. A human baby…well…let me tell you a story.
A few days ago, I went to change my daughters nappy. She had been pulling faces like a drunk man trying to open a bottle of beer with his bumhole. Then the faces stopped. The smell permeated. Job done. So I thought.
As I open the nappy…there it is. Still working its way out. Oh well. And then it happened.
I watched the birth of a turtle. It was frankly disgusting…while being freakishly mesmerising.
As I looked down, something about half the width of my daughter started to emerge from her behind. I just sat there. Staring.
Now. I don’t want to look or sound like a person who should be on a special register that means I shouldn’t either work with children or be left alone with children, but I honestly couldn’t stop staring. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have an urge to watch anyone taking a dump.
But I literally saw a turtle being born. I was honestly waiting for the legs to appear. When she was finished, it ran off to the other side of the room. This newly born turd…cowering in the corner. I tried to coax it out, but what do you give a piece of poo to make it want to come to you? I mean it only just escaped. It must be scared…erm…shitless(???) that you are gonna put him back in.
The last time I saw it, it was heading for a crack in the wall and I hear it moving around at night. I am gonna leave it be for a while. But if it comes out, I am gonna crack it on the head with a shoe. Might be messy, but has to be done.
But anyway.
Why cant babies clean themselves? I have seen some quite disgusting sights since my daughters were born. It’s time for them to be able to clean up after them. And stop the vomiting too. Animals eat after they are born. Do you see them with a bib on? Do you see them being picked up by their father and the baby throwing up in to their parents mouth?
Exactly. Please…sort it out. It’s time for you to make babies more intelligent. If you feel the
need for them to continue wearing nappies…fine…but make them intelligent enough to be able to change it themselves. It’s time for an upgrade.
And it isnt just babies. It is also old people. Some of them are stealing precious oxygen that we need for more important things.
Old people are honestly getting dumber. Just recently, my wife got told she was being selfish for sitting in a coffee shop feeding our daughter. No, really. Had I been there I would have offered her a one way ticket for a trip to Dignitas because Mother…you aren’t doing your job. That woman needed seeing to a long time ago, but you left her on earth. Annoying people.
Or the old person I followed in the car the other day that on a 60mph limit road slowed down to almost 10mph to change lanes. Finally changed lanes with a swift yank of the steering wheel….and then when in the new lane, he indicated he was changing lanes. Where is the brick wall that he drives in to which means his car wont work and he cant drive? Where is it Mother? You see?
And then there is general “niceties” that you need to consider. On the radio this morning was a morbid advert trying to threaten me to give up my precious blood because some old guy who just drove in to a wall may need it. I
don’t have a problem with needles. Others on the other hand do. So how about you just create a little valve on our arms that we squeeze and blood comes out. Job done. And no, I don’t intend to use “little Sy” to pass blood. The last time I did that I had to go on a course of anti-biotics.
Or how about more kidneys. There are organ shortages. Give us some extras. Its much easier to give up an abundance of organs than the only ones we have which we use. And for the love of an imaginary friend….ONE liver?
What the hell. I mean sure, you have made some incredibly dumb mistakes in the past, but its been thousands of years…and we still haven’t got another one!
Take a good long look at yourself because if I don’t see intelligent babies, euthanasia of the dumb and an easier way to give my organs and blood…well…I may just convert to religion and blame Him instead. And you (AND ME!!)
REALLY do not want that.
You have been warned.
Much love, call me…we’ll do lunch! Love to Daddy Nature.
Sy.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 