Following on from the mess that was my open letter to Mother Nature in the last post, a letter I must add that she has NOT replied to (that bitch!), I thought I would continue along my path of things that evolution could do with having a chat with.
(Note to self: Another reason for the non-existence of God? Things don’t change for the better when we ask? Speak to local priest when he is released from prison for undisclosed offences. Controversial! Probably lose a few readers with that comment…)
Anyway. Evolution. Changing things because it is needed to stop the extinction of a race. Of bunnies in this instance.
How dumb are bunnies? I don’t mean your “locked in a tiny hutch for their entire life, only coming out when the smallest child runs out of spiders to pull the legs off of and so goes to the hutch for some good ear pulling action” variety. I mean those little brown ones you see bouncing around fields as you drive along the road.
Or Roadkill if you please.
Birds have evolved to understand when a car is coming right at them.
Sure, you can still get them if you swerve at the right time because it is early and they haven’t had their weetabix yet, but for the most part they have the brains to go:
“oh. Car. Fast car. Coming towards me. Quick mathematical equation…. Fast car + me standing here minus flappy flappy flap of wings = me being scraped up with a spade by some road cleaner fella.” So they do said flappy flappy flap thing of wings and milliseconds later, they are safe.
But rabbits. What is wrong with them? When they were being created, did they line up thinking they were in a queue for a fluffy tail and not brain ability and say “Soft and silly please.”
Let me give you an example of said stupidness.
A while ago, I had an issue with my alarm waking me up. I turned it off instead of hitting the snooze button.
Hang on, tangent time…hold on to your seats.
Snooze? What an incredibly STUPID name for an extra 10 minutes sleep between alarms going off. There are 171475 words in current
use according to the Oxford Dictionary website.
Until I use Honkobonkidangle and then I screw with Oxfords dictionaries and make their website wrong. That combined with my spoingotubliocombosis means that they are now two words out of date. I better not get
my chincabuncabangle on the go otherwise they are doomed. But now that there are 171478 words in use and 47156 obsolete words, can we honestly not think of a better word than “snooze”?
It sounds like a greeny-brown lumpy yet runny nasal discharge. Something you would go to the Doctors about. “Hey doc…I got this
greeny-brown lumpy yet runny nasal discharge. Any ideas?” “Ahhh yes. You have a case of the snooze. Here…blow in to this hanky for me.”
Hanky? I mean really….I could go on forever.
But back to the bunnies.
So my alarm was turned off quicker than my wife when I remove my shirt and I got up late for work. It meant I had to drive a little
faster to work than normal. Not a lot….only by about 200%.
Stop judging me.
And because I drive around roads that have signs like “Slow. Toads in road” – Really! it is likely that there is a little wildlife on the go.
My drive to work that day became more like Super Mario Kart and less like a nice drive through the countryside on the way to the
office. All I kept seeing were power-up mushrooms (No, I hadn’t been eating some…) and slower cars to pass. We wont even mention
the cyclist that waved his arms like a deranged idiot trying to tell me to slow down. Another 2 inches….soooo close. I reckon that would have been the power-up that gave me missiles on my car or something.
But the bunnies. Those little fluffy tailed long eared imbeciles. I mean come on. Lets look at the facts here.
Cats – Generally clever enough to not go near strangers outside and after trying to trip me up walking down the stairs, know that coming near me may end their life. Thus they stay away.
Dogs – Dumbest animal on earth. But fiercely loyal because they are also clever enough to understand that things wont end well if
they cross me.
Gerbils – Have sex with each other. Make babies. Have sex with the babies. Make more babies. Babies have sex with the babies. Gradually out-breed any sense or normality and become dumb drones. OK, so maybe not the best example.
Cows – Tasty.
Pigs – Dirty.
My neighbour – Dumb. Smelly.
OK, so the whole clever animals thing really didn’t work out as well as I had hoped there. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah…bunnies.
But bunnies. They are either suicidal and in the name of their religion (Bunnylam? Bunnistianity? – Another two words for the
dictionary!) run out in front of cars with the aim of stopping them in their tracks…with their heads…or just have no sense of
Left = Safe. Right = Brains meet tarmac.
I did take out a poor bunny. I honestly tried to not hit him because I knew that he was going to run out. But no. Dear readers….I was forced to eat bunny-chow for dinner that night. And the night after. And the night after that.
It is like a drug. It tastes SOOOOO good. I cant stop aiming for them.
And then the pheasants along the same road became dumber. And then the deer’s. And then the cow’s. Why were they even ON the
road. Or “Field” as the farmer called it when he pulled me up for driving through the field killing his animals.
You know. I should stop here. I don’t think I am painting myself in a good light.
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