Throw a cucumber at an old man. You will go to heaven.

I have on occasion in the past been maybe a little “against” things.  Religion is one.  Vegetarianism is another.

Why?  Because I am right.  It’s not often I can say that.  Normally on making a statement I believe to be 100% true, it is followed shortly after by the words “Sorry sweetie.  I know.  I wont mention it again.  Yes, I know.  You are always right” to my wife.

Ah yes.  My wife.  A person that said “You know, I don’t come off very well on your blog. Do you think people think I am some mean woman?” to which I thought “How do I respond to this?  If I agree, then that’s bad for me.  But if I disagree, I am left  

with the words “Sorry sweetie.  I know. I wont ment……..” I mean how do I get around a comment like that?  Well, I said “I think I can hear the baby crying” and legged it up the stairs and stood shaking in the corner wondering what the hell answer I could give.  15 minutes later I came down the stairs, mentioned how I managed to get her back to sleep (she hadn’t woken up) and then said “Glass of wine?” and  conversation avoided.  Until she said “What were we talking about?” and I had a complete blank and said “My blog”.

Dammit.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect £50.  DO have a conversation where you say “Noooooo pumpkin…I reckon they love you  because you keep me in check and are the sensible one in our relationship” which is also utter crap…her the sensible one?  

And you think *I* do some weird stuff.  The woman once stood on a beach on new years eve with a green torch that had all the power of a light being charged by the power coming out of a garden gnomes bottom, waving it in the air in the hope that they could get their local little town on the map.  I mean…who was looking?  Do satellites stop during orbit?  Have a little look about…say “Hey…guys…look…down there.  Little green torches!  Get the troops! We need to report this!” and then beam messages down to make sure that the maps get updated?  

Of course they don’t.  Why would they.  

AND…this was planned.  By someone who obviously had a shedload of crappy torches they couldn’t sell and came up with some  
awesome idea to get the younger townsfolk to buy them all.  But the best part?  On new years eve, when said torches were to be held by the masses in to the air to get them on the map…she was 5 hours in the other direction.  Waving a few solitary torches in to the air.  Drunk.  Dancing around a fire on the beach.

And people think SHE is the smart one in our relationship. Exactly.

Anyway.  I have a feeling I moved on a little there and I was actually writing about religion and cucumbers.  But somehow how got sidetracked in to little green torches.  Maybe because all three are actually pointless?  I don’t know.  I DO know that I will move on now though.

So yes.  Religion.  It’s rubbish.  This is proven as we all know by one of the dumbest individuals to ever get a prediction  wrong.  The end of the world.  Armageddon.  People selling their children (or was it houses?)  and people who were so incredibly DUMB that they PAID people to have their pets when they were pulled to heaven by God.  Why?  Because they are holier than thou….but their pets led a life of debauchery?  Their pets would not be pulled to heaven by a man with a beard so white that Just for Men refuse to endorse their products when he is around?  What did the poor pets do?  “Oh yes.  My pet…he…well…he licked himself the other day.  Not once.  Enough times to know that he was actually enjoying it.  AND he had kids with that bitch next door but they didn’t get married.  That dude is going to hell.  He wont be pulled to heaven.”  

But these people actually decided they were going to heaven?  “Oh yes.  I will get picked because I went to church every  

Sunday for 18 years.  Except that one Sunday I was ill.” You didn’t go once?  That’s is…doomed.  You are staying here with the rest of us when Mr Gorgonzola gets it right (4 months time or something now?  Duuuuuuh)

And will Mr Prediction actually end up in heaven?  Because bad things happened when he got it wrong. That makes him the devil in my eyes.  You know…if the devil was someone who has so much loose skin you dont know if you should point and laugh or make a wrap for a homeless person with it.

So yes.  Religion.  Stupid.

And so we move on.  And don’t say I wasn’t right because yes…it has happened. VEGETABLES ARE KILLING US! Well not me.  I don’t eat them.  I only eat things that deserve to be eaten.

It’s natural selection you see.  Nature said “The cow can’t out run you. Thus you can eat it.”  But vegetables have no legs.  

Fish in a barrel. They aren’t right.  They sit there.  Staring at you with googley eyes as you rip them from the ground, rip off their skin and throw them in a bowl and eat them raw.  Now look…yeah, they taught you lot didn’t they.  “We don’t know the source of the infection” is being put all around the newspapers.  Of course not.  They plotted this for years.  It’s a turf war on a global scale (Did I just quote Michael Jackson lyrics by accident there?  This site really has gone downhill hasn’t it.) and they are finally coming for you.  Yes you.  Mr and Mrs Vegetarian.  Those “I don’t believe in animal cruelty and eating animals is cruel” types who probably also believe in Jeebus.  

I said it for years. Cucumbers are EVIL.  They are.  When I was a kid, I ate some and threw up.  I still cant handle the smell.  They are to me very similar to church.  When I go there, I feel uneasy.  Like snogging your cousin.  You know it’s  just wrong, but here you are.  Doing it anyway and feeling dirty all over for weeks after.

So really.  People of the world.  Send me your money so I can continue my preaching’s on what is right and what is wrong.  It  might even make you go to heaven!