And as another month passes as I don’t do anything on this site, I figure I should give you guys a carrot to keep coming back. Or a stick to beat me with? I dunno. But just like the email I got a few days ago from someone saying “I am not going to come to your site anymore as you hardly ever update it anymore”,
I couldn’t help but think “Somebody needs to remove the stick from their behind…I think it is getting infected. Actually, best leave it in there another month or two.”
So this post is dedicated to you, Mr Email sender. Or Numbnuts as I now lovingly refer to you by.
I haven’t done one of these in…erm…a long time? But I figured that in the event that my life is so unexciting at the moment that I can’t think of anything amusing to write (OK fine…I am busy doing other stuff that you aren’t invited to), I would give you some search engine results…and then abuse them.
To recap…as anyone from the last time I did one of these likely doesn’t read the site anymore…the quotes inside of the ” ” or the reeeeally small number
11s are phrases that somehow managed to land on this little corner of the Internet via google. The rest? That’s just me being me.
(And before you give me grief, I copy and pasted exactly what was put in to Google. Spelling mistakes, grammar, punctuation…the lot. So shhh)
Dear Sy: Can you tell me “How to get over a dead hamster”
Uncle Sy says: Yes. I would recommend starting with big jumps. Maybe take a run up. Actually, is this a normal small sized hamster as honestly….you just don’t need advice unless you are an ant. And if you are an ant, there is no way you’re little feet…can I call them feet?…can type enough to get to this site. Or do you use a mouse? And I don’t mean for your own sexual gratification, I mean to move the cursor about. What was the question again?
Dear Sy: “does winnie the pooh steal honey”
Uncle Sy says: Yes. The thieving little yellow git actually broke in to my house the other day and stole ALL of my honey. I was annoyed at that, but he also used my toilet. I don’t mind that so much compared to him using my bed to empty himself…but it did completely throw my ‘of course a bear craps in the woods’ comment I use to people completely out of whack.
Dear Sy: I like “watching porn in taiwan”
Uncle Sy says: Really? That is very interesting indeed. Personally, I like dressing up as Maid Marion late at night and walking around the streets calling out for Robin Hood. At least I get a warm bed for the night when the evil men in uniforms come along and take me away.
Dear Sy: Can you tell me “negative things about being a vegetarian”?
Uncle Sy says: Yes. Yes I can. Where do you want to start? At the part where I mention that they smell of broccoli which is honestly not a nice smell, or the way that animals actually laugh at them? I read a story that I made up in my head once that mentioned that vegetarians get covered in more bird poop than anyone else in the world. True story.
Dear Sy: “look at me i’m a complete idiot”
Uncle Sy says: Steve? Is that you?
Dear Sy: Can you tell me why “foreigners want to live in china”
Uncle Sy says: I could if I wanted to, but seriously…do I ever ask you why you go to the supermarket?
Dear Sy: “is it harmful to push penis inside body”
Uncle Sy says: Nope. Not if it is done correctly. The best way is to get a mallet, hold the little guy in the palm of your hand and making sure you hit the very end first, you crack it as hard as you can. Let me know how you get on.
Dear Sy: “what does playing with your testicles do”
Uncle Sy says: In my experience, it makes your wife and children get home earlier than planned. Every damn time. I mean seriously…I am considering putting a bell around their necks so I know when they are about to open the door. I mean it’s called gentleman’s time for a reason…and chicks aint invited.
Dear Sy: Being the awesome guy you are, can you tell me “good things about being a vegetarian”
Uncle Sy says: No. Seriously. No. I can’t. I thought long and hard and all I managed to do was order some chicken.
Dear Sy: “is there any way to stop my hamsters from having babies”
Uncle Sy says: You could always stop molesting them you dirty freak.
Dear Sy: What is a good “letter to a mother that delivered a baby”
Uncle Sy says: I dunno. B maybe? B is for Baby afterall.
Dear Sy: What happens when a “drunk guy furget to put condom on”
Uncle Sy says: Drunk guy becomes Daddy. Or has a serious itch and some not so pretty discharge in a few days time.
Dear Sy: Can you tell me where I can get a “strapon winnie the pooh”
Uncle Sy says: Why? Wanna give a surprise to your honey? Geddit? Honey…it’s what Pooh likes! Yeah…forget it.
Dear Sy: “am i crap in bed”
Uncle Sy says: My friend…if you have to ask. But seriously, I saw a video of your efforts on that site One Second Wonders and I gotta say, even in slow motion there is NOTHING you should be bragging about.
Dear Sy: Hey Sy…word association day! Ready…”goldfish into penis”
Uncle Sy says: Umm…Caterpillar in to Butterfly. Did I do it? Did I…come on…don’t leave me hanging.
Dear Sy: “can humans die from a hamster”
Uncle Sy says: Is the hamster armed with an Uzi? Or a knife? Is the hamster 8 foot tall and has a nickname of John Rambo? I mean seriously…you gotta give me more. If I say Nooooo….of course not… and then your family gets killed by a rabid Rambo Hamster, how is that going to make me look?
Dear Sy: Have you seen my “my missing thumb”
Uncle Sy says: yes. Time to remove it from your behind. And for the love of all that is cleansing…wash your hand afterwards. That last sandwich you made me tasted really weird.
Dear Sy: Can you tell me about a “well fed african blog plump”
Uncle Sy says: I want to. I really do. But what the hell dude…a well fed African blog pump???
Dear Sy: Being a pretty cool guy, I reckon you could give me examples of “songs about killing dolphins”
Uncle Sy says: yes! I can! 99 Red Balloons was one for example. I am better at seal clubbing songs though. Michael Jackson’s Beat It was specifically about that.
Dear Sy: “doctor said to only have fluids, what can i have”?
Uncle Sy says: Ahh yes. You go to the Doc’s. He tells you what to do…and you come home and ask Google. Why didn’t you ask while you were there? Well to put your mind at ease, he basically wants you to stay away from dairy and soft drinks. And certainly water. Whisky and Beer are the best things as they also contain nutrients not found in stupid pointless drinks like fresh orange juice. Fresh? If it is fresh, why is it in a bottle in the fridge instead of you sucking the juice from the orange itself?
Dear Sy: “when can i give my mother hamster back her wheel?”
Uncle Sy says: Well you need to make sure the court gives her back her driving licence first. She is already banned for driving while being under the influence of a lettuce leaf.
Dear Sy: Can you tell me “stuff that makes you hallucinate”
Uncle Sy says: Smashing your head against a wall repeatedly for 3 minutes should do it. Email me photos of the result. And no, not like the photos you sent last time you deviant.
Until next time… mwah xoxoxo
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 