I think it is fair to say that I require constant attention. I don’t mean that in that vain “I am soooo pretty…talk to me!” way…coz…well…I am a balding ugly 36 year old male. So short of looking in one of those comedy mirrors and seeing something that doesn’t exist, I cant say that being called “pretty” is ever going to be on the cards. But I mean constant attention because left to myself, the only interaction I have is with the voices in my head.
Or with the instant messaging conversation window of people who have walked away from their machine and not logged out. Leaving me free reign.
An example.
12:12 – Sy: The fruits that you wont see on my desk are things like bananas. They aren’t right. I don’t understand the need for bananas. I mean sure, potassium. But you can get that from possums I believe. Or is it just how people say it?
Tomato/tomato, Potassium/possum? Maybe I am getting confused with the language things in the world
But also, if I had a banana on my desk it wouldn’t work with the Bovril red and marmite yellow as there would be more yellow which would unbalance the delicate colour thing I have going on in front of my monitor.
Other interesting things to have on your desk are little toy cars. They are overrated. For instance, if you are bored, you can go “Vrooom Vroom” with your mouth and then move them along the desk. The downside is if bring in a clear desk policy.
It’s not all about food stuffs and colour though. Earlier I sent an email to someone who requested a list of all the people I send outages to. This can be interesting, while being somewhat annoying. In this instance, annoying. I sent the list to him and he has not replied to me. It is like refreshing facebook waiting to see if someone replied to your witty comment to their status and then when someone finally does reply, they bypass your comment.
It disappoints me. Much like Wimbledon.
But that is the thing about Wimbledon. All this “Players must play in whites” rubbish means that wombles have to A) wash and B) play naked. It’s true. have you ever seen a womble in white clothes? No. Blue coats and stuff…they should probably give up naked tennis and go work at Butlins or something. Or is that the redcoats?
Are you coming back yet?
Its raining…your cigarette probably went out.
Dear diary. I wrote about wombles today. Wombles are great. They are fluffy, clean up after me and are good for t
oh
you are back
I’ll stop.
But then they left again.
12:30 – Sy: Dear diary. I have been over ground. Even underground. I mean, the UK rail network is great albeit a little expensive. But never. Ever. Have I been wombling free. I don’t quite understand what that actually means. Can I now walk on trainlines at will without the risk of arrest? Trains would still turn me to a pulp if they hit me, although I am quite short. I picked up an empty pack of crisps the other day. A normal pack, not even a grab pack, and it was like I was being sucked in to a wind tunnel when the weather changed. It’s the least womblicious thing I have done. Ever. But you know, I continue to try. Others would have stopped by now. Not me. I am a friggin womblegenius of mensa level.
A day later.
11:04 – Sy: I made toast. It was the white toast because I prefer it to the brown toast. Except that it ends up brown even though it started as white. Maybe that disproves the whole “Man originated in Africa”. How could we if we started off white?
I put marmite on my toast. But that made it black. I should have just burnt the toast to start with.
According to an incident report I was sent, someone changed something which broke something but while fixing the broken something they broke the working something meaning that everything was broken and nothing was working. That’s a silly state to have things in.
The outage system is yellow. I believe that it is showing a bias towards marmite. Is the outage system a vegetarian? I did wonder why I wasn’t that keen on it.
Snails. I also like snails. Except when the snail is some arse driving at a snails pace along the road holding me up. I mean holding me up as in making me drive slowly and not actually pointing a gun at my car. That would be scary. Like a fisherman with a fake leg and some cockles in a bown.
bown? That is like a bowl but I changed it to fit my own language.
I call is Syguage
I once caught a cold.
I tried not to.
I mean, someone projectile sneezed at me. Well, not AT me, but they didn’t cover their mouth. I caught it all. I looked like I had just been slimed by the green dude on goatbusters.
I wish I hadn’t caught that cold
I spat champagne at someone on Saturday night. He said “Can I have some of that!” while I was holding the bottle. I had some in my mouth. I hit him with it. Quite a good shot from 4 meters away!
My apple just winked at me
I like woodlice too. They are the friendliest of all bugs/insects. I had some to a teaparty once. They all fell asleep. I was telling them about my backpacking trip around western Europe. They weren’t interested. I smashed them all to bits in a fit of rage. I hate woodlice
Flash.
Flash
Flash
I should read the email I got so the red light on the blueberry stops flashing at me
flash
Notice the lack of capital F on the last one? Yeah I didn’t think it deserved it.
Are you back yet?
Little yellow dot says nooooo
OH! GREEN DOT! My loneliness ends.
Or is it teasing me?
You know what…I don’t care. I have a smiling apple.
11:17 – Other Recipient: We are both cracking up
11:17 – Sy: I think the edges are certainly frayed
And then they left their PC logged on overnight. And I had a quiet morning.
06:59 – Sy: Good morning, it’s 7am and you are reading the Simon Hughes breakfast show!
Or Splendid Isolation as it should be known being that the only person reading this is me.
07:10 – Sy: An update on the apple. It is still green…although it is looking decidedly less edible than it did last week. I spent the weekend thinking about my apple. The emotional journey we have had ever since I saw it in the bowl of fruit, and a week later…here we are. Still together. I have had relationships that haven’t lasted this long. Part of me wants to eat it….make it a part of me forever. Or until nature does it’s thing. I guess it’s soul is still going to be a part of me. If that even exists.
So when you think about it, I am considering ending my relationship with my apple with no knowledge whatsoever of what lies beyond.
It’s wrong
It makes lambs cry.
07:13 – Sy: Depending on how you look at it, the words “I will be your prince and take you to the wonderland full of harmony and miracles” are really stupid
But I am active and enthusiastic. I also treat people just as I want them to treat me.
My interests are various.
In unrelated news, my mailbox is over its size limit. That disappoints me because I have to delete mail.
07:21 – Sy: I often worry about things. Things like going out in the sun and getting toasted because I didn’t put any sun cream on. Or that Sainsburys run out of mini magnums. But none more than knowing that a large amount of memory is committed to applications and processes. This is because consistently high memory usage can perform performance problems.
I guess that explains an issue I have…I do often think of memories more than I should.
I guess they need a viagra for the mind. “Stop reminiscing and start doing!” but that would be SRSD which you can only really say correctly when you are drunk.
Maybe that is the answer!
07:24 – Sy: Beer: Helping performance problems caused by thinking since 1693.
Why 1693? Well it is a long time ago and I really cannot be bothered to find out when beer was first brewed.
This continued (re)programming is sponsored by Illuminati Industries – Bringing you high quality mind control for 300 years
Hypnotoad…Hypnotoad….Hypnotoad….say noooo.
07:44 – Sy: Have you ever thought about salt?
It’s everywhere. In the sea. On my foot. There is a salty seadog on a boat. Pour salt on a slug it goes to slug heaven. So why. WHY has it never ever ran for president or prime minister? I say that or that because I don’t know what nationality it is.
But really. Salt…a global conspiracy?
Spatch. That’s a funny word.
“It’s not working!” “Spatch it!” Huh? I mean…spatchcock chicken…it’s…well…flat.
So when they say “My PC is dead!”, the answer is to flatten it?
Why not pour salt on it?
Over the weekend I got a text. It read “6 days!!!”. I am concerned. Is that how long I have left to live? Maybe some kind of coded warning?
But that’s quite negative thinking
The text had !!! in it. It would maybe point to excitement.
Maybe I am winning the lottery in 6 days?
It’s confusing. I have this trepidation towards it
They played one of Adele’s songs on the radio this morning.
I couldn’t take it seriously
She said:
We could have had a ball
A bouncing little ball
I bounced that ball up and down
and you played to the beat
Silly song.
It’s supposed to be a love song…yet she is talking about a bouncy ball.
You know what else is silly?
String.
Another song that is silly is that one that goes “There she was just a stumbling down the street singing doo wah diddy diidy i’m not drunk”
Why would they sing that?
Interesting. if you count all the words prior to this line, there are 666 words
07:58 – Sy: You can divide that by 11. It goes an exact amount of times….which is 60.5454545454545454545455. Why do you think that is? I think it is because 456 are next to each other.
08:00 – Sy: Dear Diary. I have been typing for exactly 1 hour. There has been no reply
At all
Why?
I am lonely.
I just drew a smiley face on my apple.
It’s happy smiling face makes me feel good
That concludes the morning illuminati (re)programming. We thank you for your time.
There was an awful lot more, but I already have concerns that you wont be coming back to this site ever again…so best not to show the real crazy.
In the next post….things to take to the grave. Quite literally. Yeah I know, I was surprised to hear I already know what the next post will be about too. Unless I change my mind and write about something else. Excited? You shouldn’t be!
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 