Amongst the weird world of instant messenger conversations I had (see previous post), I also had one with someone who shall be called “Other Participant” because…well, that is what they asked to be referred to as. I am guessing it has something to do with the illuminati being after them or some such and they are worried about being caught. Erm. What was I saying? Oh yeah…I also had a conversation with them about things to take to the grave. How did it come up? Well we were talking about how pears are the disabled relatives of apples. Strange how things move on in a conversation. Anyway….this post….
The words “And I will take that to the grave” are bandied around a lot these days. They may also have been used many years ago, but I am not a hundred years old or anything, and history bores the crap outta me so I am not going to go spending time on looking it up. Therefore, the words are bandied around a lot these days. I myself have used them, but I cant tell you why as that is why it is coming to the grave with me.
But just say you took some other things to the grave with you. Quite literally. And then, in x thousands of years time, when they want to build a supermarket on your grave, they dig you up. And in doing so, have a sneaky look inside the coffin. Just what could you hide in there with you?
Well, for starters, on my headstone I am going to have a logo which reads “Contains yeast”. Why? Why not…it’ll confuse the hell out of them to start with. Maybe even the words “Buried Alive”.
And then once in the box, I am going to arrange to have my stiff rigamortis induced body put in to a strange position. You know how they open graves and go “Oh yes, this one was buried being accused of being a Witch. You can tell by the way the bones are laid out”. So I am going to be buried in a position like I had been trying to bite my toenails. That should really mess with the “Historians” heads. Or maybe get a few other people in on it and have ourselves in a line doing the YMCA or something like that.
I also thought I could be buried clutching a piece of paper. Some of the possible wording on the piece of paper are:
Just the word “Why?”
“Last Will and Tes….damn…pen is running out.”
Or maybe a game of hangman where it is spelling the words “You Lose” but they hadn’t got the o before the little man was hung and a little sad face.
Maybe just a black spot or the words “If you can read this, it is likely you have already contracted the virus”
“They found me. I don’t have much ti….”
“Is nothing personal? Get your own effing note”
Maybe a shopping list. “Bread, eggs, milk, toilet roll, cure for Ebola virus, nails for coffin, bug repellent”
“If you can read this, the permanent marker guys got it right!”
“I have discovered a cure for cancer!”
“I know who shot JFK. It is…..answers on a postcard. The first correct answer out of the hat in 1000 years time will find out”
“Everything you have been told is a lie. TRUST NOBODY!”
“The aliens will never find me in here! Hang on…why have you opened my coffin? YOU ARSE!”
“Congratulations. You just let all the evil out”
“If at first you don’t succeed, the guy buried next to me has a note for quitters”
“This is package 2 of 2. Please see instruction manual for details of installation”
“Check for all pieces prior to assembly”
“Is it still raining? It was chucking it down when I got in here”
“Do you still have sex or are you all now a single being?”
“BLOODY HELL! It’s TRUE! There is no afterlife…”
“God doesn’t have a real beard. All of your books are wrong. Please amend accordingly.”
“I’m not a natural blonde!”
“Scratch and sniff”
Or maybe instead of a short note, you could make it a little more elaborate like:
“Jesus was a goat. Who knew! They hung a poor defenceless goat to a cross. I mean, it makes sense how he could feed the 5000…they were milking him continuously. Although, then, you milk female goats. So Jesus was actually female when he…she died. And you know how she was stuck in that cave, she wasn’t actually dead, and being a goat, which eat anything, she basically ate her way out. But then they started hunting for her, so she figured the safest thing she could do was to eat herself. Thus all that was left was a pair of horns and an ear tag with her number on. It read “Case 666″. So when you think about it. 666, goat, horns and female….Jesus was the devil. Please amend your bible accordingly. Thank you”
The list could go on. As could items to take with you, such as a bong. But that is a list for a different year. Anything you feel would work well on a note?
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 