I have never been to Switzerland. Not for any reason other than “I have never been to Switzerland”. It was never high on my list of go to places. The toilet is high on my list of go to places. As is bed. And the pub. Switzerland just wasn’t.
Until recently.
They have lots of brothels you know. Suuure, I am happily married. I have two amazing daughters. I also have 3 cats that I wish I could shave completely bald and scare local teenagers with….but…with the exception of the local brothel around where I live which I didn’t know about until recently…and the fact that the average female in the town I live in is missing most of their teeth, smells of guacamole and generally isn’t likely to float my boat….I would be better off attaching little Sy to a petri dish full of Necrotizing fasciitis (just google it and stop saying “What is that?”) and going to town like it was my favourite female actress with no fear of what awaits. This….if you are brave enough to click THIS link. You did it didn’t you. I dont know if that was to get your jollys or because you are curious…either way, I only looked it up for the sake of this post. Thus, I am better than you. You are weird.
So why do I want to go to a brothel in Switzerland?
Well, it’s not for the chocolate. But instead, you can get a good mouthful of sausage.
Yeah I know, the usual straight male doesnt go to a brothel hoping to get a mouthful of sausage. It would be like using your wife/girlfriends hairbrush to scratch your gonads. Sure, it feels better than anything you ever felt when it comes to scratching your gentlemans area, but it is just wrong.
Now. I think I need to explain that last paragraph as on reading it back I think I just said I like to get a mouthful of another guys manmeat…which I don’t. Nor do I use any hairbrushes belonging to my wife to give myself a damn good scratch. This is partly because she doesn’t have one of those wider ones with loads of “teeth” which really work. Instead it is more one of those comb type brushes. It hurts. Erm…I mean “Wow, I mean, that would PROBABLY really hurt!”
Anyway. Back to the prostitutes and their sausage.
A brothel in Switzerland was having a little trouble drumming up business so the owner thought “Hey, why dont I also set up a BBQ and let people have some cooked sausage once their own sausage is cooked!”. And then burnt his brothel down. True Story.
Why a BBQ? Why not a buy one get one free deal? Maybe a voucher scheme? And how would you fill in the insurance paperwork for that one?
“Well, I was at a brothel and my sausage got so hot that the place burnt down!”.
And how would you explain that to your wife when you appear on TV legging it out of a burning house along with 3 naked prostitutes and a hot dog? “No, it isn’t me…honestly dear…look, that man doesnt have any ketchup on his hot dog!” while she watches you bounce your way down the street.
I think I need to get employed by these brothels to drum up business. I can put some slogans up which will get deals far more than the promise of a burnt sausage.
“Our deals will blow your…mind!”
“Sexy ladies looking for dirty old men who don’t get any!”
“We’ll blow you away if you come here!”
“Our prostitutes don’t have a flesh eating virus!” <— That one would surely be a winner.
“Get your kicks at prozzysticks….not another sausage in site!” <— I don’t know if there is a brothel calles prozzysticks but I like the name and Google didn’t come up with a result for it.
“Our sexy ladies will even let a total loser like you get some!”
Honestly…someone employ me to do this….
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 