Yes yes. I know. Yet again it is months between posts. But I will be honest…I have been busy. Not just busy, but VERY busy. I would list all the things I have been doing, but it would take me so long to make stuff up to make me look sexy that it is just not worth it. So I will just sum up the past couple of months in this one photo:
There. I think you understand now. I’ve been VERY busy. I am glad you understand…I think it was getting awkward there for a minute.
But as I sit here, my black shirt covered in lumps of green tree poo and an aroma eminating from me which can only be likened to a homeless person taking a bath in a silage container, I cant help but think “Where the hell did this year go? And I wonder if anyone around me can smell this. Actually…where is everyone? Why isn’t anyone around me? What is wrong with me? Do I smell or som……..oh……ok, I get it”. I mean, I like solitude as much as the next person….but I was planning on saving that for about 10 years time. In 10 years time, both my daughters will be fighting over the bathroom. My wife will be saying words like “You spend all effing day in that shed…why don’t you come in and be a father” and I will be saying “That’s it…I am going to my shed. Dont bug me woman. I need my space”. Sadly, I think my storm off routine will look more like it came from a Monty Python sketch as I have a case of shin splints at the moment and if they don’t go before 10 years time, I can’t see my walk being more than a 46 year old man (Note to self…holy shit dude…in 10 years you’ll be 46?) hobbling out of the door like a wounded elf.
I guess I should tell you why my clothes are purest green and I smell like Swamp Thing.
Here in the south east of England we are kinda crap. Scotland gets snow. Thousands of houses lose power. Roads are closed. 100mph gusts of wind. Does that stop them going to the pub? hell no. But here in the south east, a mere few hundred miles away…it’s all different. Trains stop working at the first sign of a cloud. People moan incessantly and things are hard work. The trees in the south east seem to have no stamina. If they were an adult movie industry star, they would be known as “Quick Larry”. One gust and they take a lay down. So in the early hours this morning while you were all snuggled up in bed dreaming of me, I was the hero. On the roads. Making your drive to work safer.
Sure, I am not a road clearer. Nor a manual labour guy. I work in an office. Doing critical communication stuff. Thats all you need to know…this post will bore you enough as it is.
But dressed in office trousers and shirt, I found myself standing in front of my car looking at a stuffing big tree taking a lay down across the entire width of the road. Too much for one man….but a second car appeared and another man got out. There we were. Two strangers. Standing together in the rain facing adversity. We wouldn’t be beaten. It was miles to go around it. We stood. We looked. We started pushing that tree. It took proper HEEEEEAVE! type of pushing. It started moving. Gradually. Slowly. Then…totally unexpected….he pushed harder….and let out an enormous fart. Lovely. Thanks man. That’s….what did you eat? It smelt like he had just let a decaying rat out of his behind. I started to giggle…and really wanted to gag. But it seemed to work…the tree moved and I am fairly sure that guy got to wherever he was going with a turtle poking its head out followed by a swift change of underwear. I on the other hand have that green gunge that you get on trees all over my clothes. I am sat at my desk with a sleeve that looks like someone with a nose so snotty that they could bottle it and sell it as the perfume of some “celebrity” (coz lets be honest…”Snot Bucket – A perfume by David Beckham” or something isnt really a seller) and I am constantly wiping said nose on my sleeve.
But we made that tree move. I got back in my car. Drove a few miles. Met another tree. But that one I did alone because I am amazing. And there is nothing to say about it.
So. I may well do another post before the end of the year. Yeah…really. I know. I don’t know what has got in to me. I do know what hasn’t got enough in me….alcohol. So…being Christmas, if you want to send me money via paypal to buy myself a beer or post stuff to me…don’t be shy. I’ll even tell my friends in social gatherings about how awesome you are. I should note that I only see about 11 other people…and 5 are kids. But I’ll tell them anyway. You aren’t going to are you? I think you saying that just killed a kitten. Let me check. Yup…dead. I’ll probably get it stuffed and scare small children with it.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 