Well that is that then. Christmas 2011. All the build up, the shops bombarding you with great offers. TV ads pounding their way in to your head to try to convince you to buy varying amounts of crap all in the name of “This years must have” item.
Then..like a mouse farting in the woods…it is over in a hail of “So…back to work it is then!” and the mind numbingly boring conversations around Christmas where you tell the same story to everyone who asks.
Unless you are me.
I have taken to changing the story. The same two words people say that are said in a way that says “I am asking…but please don’t give me a long answer as I cant be arsed to hear it. The words? “Good Christmas?”
“Good Christmas?” Yup. I gorged myself on turkey, other meats, alcohol, chocolate and nibbles until I was so fat I couldn’t stand up and actually managed to poo myself in front of my children. “Oh.”
“Good Christmas?” It was lovely. I drank myself in to oblivion and accidentally swallowed my own sick.
“Good Christmas?” No. Sod off.
“Good Christmas?” This one is good for the person that you know politely asks…but doesn’t want to know as they have so much to do. I told this person every single detail of my day. From scratching myself when I woke up on the morning of the 25th to going to bed on the night of the 26th where I found a weird looking hair on my toothbrush. You could tell they were trying to get away…but I didn’t take a breath. I don’t think I will see them again today.
“Good Christmas?” Umm…who are you? Are you that guy over the other side of the office that we have never exchanged 2 words with? And you want to know what I did at Christmas? Are you stalking me? That’s it…I am taking you to HR you dirty animal. Were you staring at my wife? I don’t care if she doesn’t work here…were you? I saw you. Goddamit….look at me again and I will smash your head in. Anyway…yeah it was OK. Yours?
Other things I have an issue with. At least 4 people on Facebook on the 26th said “Only 364 days until Christmas!”. Ummm.
1 – Seriously…shut up. I haven’t even flushed the rest of the turkey I ate yet.
2 – It is a leap year. If you are going to write a status so mind numbingly annoying that it makes me want to beat you with a candy cane…at least get the facts right.
I feel I am coming off a little negative here.
But..in my defence, I ate my weight in meat and drank my weight in beer and my stomach feels as if I swallowed a boulder. And I didn’t chew. I cant quite reach the desk like I used to. My body feels like I just ran the length of Iraq dressed as a fairy after a night on the whisky waving a Union Jack flag and going “WeeeWooo Runny Run Run…you cant catch me I am the son of Satan!” Yet everytime I see a little bright coloured sweet wrapper or a sausage roll or anything else I really don’t want….om nom nom nom. Mine. Why? Why do I do it? I know I don’t want it. But it is in a pretty wrapper so I have to. They may as well paint a little smiley face on it and as you go near the box says “Eat me. EAT ME. I will make you more attractive to other people”. Sadly, the “other people” in this instance are the feeders in the feeder/feedee relationship.
After a few days of non-stop eating and drinking, my clothes are now as tight as a lid on that jar of sticky food that was opened once, the contents spilled in to the cap and 6 months later the strongest bond known to mankind is not making that lid so tight you consider crying, stamping your feet and writing to your local member of parliament and telling him/her you caught a cold from an immigrant. I have that “Look…look at my stomach. It is here. Protruding. Sticking out like a big red puss filled spot on the end of your nose that you find the morning you wake up to go on a hot first date. Stick a pin in me and you will be covered in half chewed turkey where I was so glutinous that I didn’t even chew most of it.” look going on. (Stick a pin in that spot and it is a very different story…and ending)
So why the hell did I buy another turkey yesterday? Coz…well..I love it. And it was really cheap. And you know…sure, I have a couple of marathons to train for. And yeah, the first one is in April. And OK, I have been injured and had a few weeks off and ate and drank loads and put loads of weight on. And sure, I think I have a turkey washed down with beer fetish thing going on. And fine, I considered divorcing my wife so I can marry my stomach.
But…I….like it.
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