It is believed by many in the “Wow, it is a slow news day…we should probably make something up” circles that today is the day most people break their new year resolutions.
5 days in to the new year? Really? What kind of stupid targets are they setting themselves that they fail so easily?
“I will go to the gym more”. You cant really fail that until you actually spend enough time of the year not actually going. I will guess by the way that the person who failed probably doesn’t have a gym membership and ate 24 Krispy Kreme doughnuts last night that they have given up the gym dream.
“I will swear less”. Well that’s just bollocks. Totally unatainable and stupid to even contemplate it to start with. Why bother? You trap your finger in the door and it falls off, you swear. You don’t go “Well golly gosh. Would you look at that. Seemed to have trapped my pinky in the door there and now it is on the floor. Well, I must get the cleaning done before I toodle off to the hospital”
“I will be less annoying to work colleagues”. They didn’t like you before. The clock didn’t strike midnight on new years eve and the people you worked with thought “Hey, I should give numbnuts another chance”. There is a reason they don’t like you. The changing of the year is not enough. Bringing in cookies to work…it still isn’t enough. But it is a start.
“I will use my car less and will start walking to work”. You work 20 miles from home. I am surprised you took this long to fail. Plus you cant carry your box of 24 Krispy Kreme doughnuts that you plan to eat instead of going to the gym all that way…what if it rains?
“I will wear more dresses to work”. You are a 6’4″ tall hairy bloke. Just…Don’t.
“I will drink less alcohol”. I have no words that can convey the dumbness in this one. “Right, as of midnight…I am not drinking again until February”. The bell tolls. It is now midnight. You raise a glass. You fail within the first seconds of the year but don’t see the irony.
“I will have more sex this year!”. You’re married. Forget it.
“I will eat more healthily”. Seriously…who does this one? Well, who ‘promises’ themselves this one? ‘I wont eat the poor little piggy sandwich, I will eat this salad instead’. Again, the clock didn’t strike midnight and you became a rabbit. It’s a stupid resolution and you are stupid for contemplating it. You woke up all hungover on the 1st Jan. You walked downstairs, opened the fridge and made a fry-up. Fail.
I on the other hand set myself completely attainable targets. These are.
1 –
That is all. I don’t think I will fail. I am sure by the time the clock hits midnight on 31st Dec 2012, that one will still be standing. This is because I generally do fail at every resolution I make so decided to go for something that I can at least try to do. Last year was “At least 50 posts on this site”. I did 24. And that is only that high because you got 4 out of me in the last couple of weeks of December.
My only other resolutions I considered this year were:
“To finish it still alive.” I really don’t want to piss off fate just now so I am going to put that one on the back burner.
“Learn to speak or read the Klingon language.” This is a completely valid one. Not because I am some star trek geek who thinks he will be more attractive to his wife if he talks in a very angry sounding language or anything but because…well…let me explain.
We had a new guy start at the company I work for a while back. Strange chap. By strange I mean I just cant work out if he is shy, an axe murderer or maybe…and likely… cannot talk to humans unless they are on his PC screen and are a World of Warcraft character. He is a little ‘Nerdy’ to say the least. But I cannot rule out the axe murderer bit just yet because when I found myself sat at his desk, I noticed a notepad. All written in Klingon. True story. It was all there. Written in Klingon.
And you know…part of me thinks it might be a hit list. And details of how he will take each person out. And I got to thinking “How did this guy get through the interview?”. So now I am thinking “also a closet Jedi”.
“I am the person you are looking for”
“You are the person I am looking for”
“I am going to work here”
“You are going to work here”
And thus, he now works here. Plotting our demise in his Klingony language. To be fair, it may not have been Klingon. Could of been Greek for all I know…but with his shifty eyes, refusal to talk to people…and the fact he carries a Klingon Bat’Leth (can I just confirm…I do NOT know if that should have capitals…before some Klingon wannabe starts with the “Learn how to spell you Qu’vatlh qhuy’cha’ baQa'” – again…I really have NO idea what that means).
Things that worry me: I just did a spell check on this post and the ONLY words in “Qu’vatlh qhuy’cha’ baQa'” it didnt understand were “baQa”. What the hell…Wordpress speaks Klingon? The world is conspiring against me. Set phasers to bloody hell.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 