Ah yes. Valentines day is on the horizon. A time of year when between the 5th and 13th of the month, many young males will use the words “It just isn’t working out. No, it isn’t you. It isn’t anything to do with your over-sized head, clown feet and the fact that in the morning you smell like cabbage…seriously…what is that about? Anyway…my dear…I want to end it”.
It is the perfect way to not buy a present. You dump her. She is devastated. You dont buy a present. On the 15th of the month you say “I miss your oversized head and clowns feet…and I have a cold so wont be able to smell you in the morning”. The male has totally dodged having to buy a card and present for Valentines. The girl who was dumped and feeling low gets the love of her life back and thinks things will be great for ever more. Until her birthday or Christmas….or when the next present buying opportunity arises.
My pet hate with Valentines is that on the 13th of the month and even the 15th of the month I can (maybe…I mean…probably not) take my wife out for dinner with no question of having to also supply a card or present. I can also go to a restaurant where we can sit on a table for 2 which has lots of room. The next table isn’t sitting on my lap. The food comes when it is ready and I am unrushed.
But on the 14th there are suddenly a billion more people in that restaurant (OK fine, not a billion…maybe 20 more people) and I end up on a table for 1 where we both have to eat. The table one side of me is now sitting on my lap and they will have an argument. The table the other side you think “that dude is getting lucky tonight”. Meanwhile, me and my wife will talk about our kids. The economy. The day at work. How tight my trousers are. And the meal will cost more and the waiter will be so stressed he will drip sweat in to the soup. My dessert will come out before my main and my starter will be given me in a doggybag so they can get us out so the next victims patrons can sit at the table.
So this year I am not doing it. I refuse. I refuse…and also cant take her out as we don’t have a babysitter. I know what she is like. If I take her out, she will ply me with drink (and probably then ply herself with painkillers) and demand me to perform my manly sex duties because it is Valentines. It is a stressful time for me. I am a meek mild mannered man. I don’t think about sex at all. What is sex anyway? No idea. Something to do with balloon modelling?
This year I have done my research…and am going to make her dinner. A chef called Charlie Bingham has made a cock and bull pie….which is believed to be an alternative to oysters and asparagus.
Well, I have never had oysters….because frankly the thought of eating them makes me want to hurl. How are they an aphrodisiac??? HOW!!??? And Asparagus? Also an aphrodisiac? The only way I can link them to being an aphrodisiac is if I eat them and immediately go to bed and fall asleep….then wake up in the morning pitching a tent. And every time you eat asparagus and then pee….it is all you can smell. How the hell does this make them an aphrodisiac? “Sweetie…come here…watch me pee…and have a sniff!” “Oh baby…never wanted you more”. I don’t see that conversation ever taking place.
So why bull testicles? According to the Chinese they are full of “sexually stimulating ingredients”. No…they are full of “baby making ingredients”. Two VERY different things entirely. And saying to my wife “Here, put someone elses testicles in your mouth until you want to have sex with me” is just….well…no. Just…no. They are also being sold from Saturday but have “very limited availablility”. Really? I am shocked…why did not more bulls come forward and say “yeah go on…chop em off, stick em in some pastry and then let some humans get their jollys!”.
I just don’t see how this pie will work. I mean, if it is a huge meaty pie…the last thing I am going to want after it is to go “Wow, I am so full I am going to undo the button on my trousers….fancy hopping in the sack and licking bull testicle from around my mouth?”
And then I saw the selling point. The pie also contains liquor. Remove your nuts and call it “Get her drunk and take advantage of her” pie. If you both drink enough, the earth may not shake but I can promise the room will spin.
Should you want to read the news story where I read about the tasty nutty treat…it’s HERE.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 