I’ve had some crazy ideas in the past. But you would think that with the years ticking past, I would of learnt the whole “Cause and Effect” thing.
My oldest daughter learnt it early on by knowing that if she punches me in the joy department as a joke that Daddy gets a touch annoyed. My youngest daughter has attitude and although knows things are wrong, she doesn’t care. She repeatedly continues to think it is funny to claw my eyes out and randomly surprise me by biting me.
Even the cats learnt that standing sideways on the stairs when I am walking down them that they learnt to fly. Of course, I give the cats too much benefit in that statement…the boy has now jumped on me 4 times since I even opened up the webpage to write this…each time getting thrown a little further away. The last time I added “Yogi….will you p*ss off!” to which he purred and jumped straight back up and did that collapsing thing so I couldn’t push him away. Time to see if they always land on their feet even if the floor is covered in an electric shock mat maybe… Or I could impale him on a stick and fire up the BBQ? I am sure the animal huggers would say “He just wants love…give him a hug”. Wondrous hard thought-out advice that. Because I fancy a beer. Maybe I should. At 1pm on a Thursday when I have to drive in an hour. Great advice huggers…great advice.
But what I am trying to say is that if young children and some dumb animals learn, why after 37 years am I getting slightly more stupid as the years go on? It started in 2009 with “Been running for 3 days now…LETS ENTER A MARATHON!” Longterm readers will remember that. Newbies wont. Because you are new. Yeah I know, I am a fountain of knowledge waiting to explode. When I do finally explode, the walls are going to be covered in jokes about taking a poo. I would apologise, but you keep coming back and reading this stuff. Ergo, your fault.
The joy of marathons. You train in winter. The roads are impassable and the footpaths are skating rinks. Even the local idiots who hang around on street corners with their trousers hanging round their knees but a big hood keeping their head warm (lets be honest, there is often a lack of brains in their head to keep warm, and they sure as hell ain’t got it in the trouser department either so what are they trying to keep warm?) stay in their bedrooms with their Justin Bieber posters staring in to his pale dead eyes while singing gangsta rap while hoping mummy will keep them warm. My cats don’t see outside for about two months….I try to get them to go out, but the lazy little shytes prefer to lay on my pillow so when I go to bed I am sucking on cat hair all night.
People call it stupid, but it really isn’t as I can at any point decide not to wrap myself in 200 layers and stay in my warm house instead.
It was going so well. And then something happened.
I cant afford a Harley Davidson. Nor a flash car with its roof missing. Nor a young girlfriend to be my “trophy girlfriend” that I take out and people say “He is either rich or hung like a…”. OK, so that last one…well, it is kinda hard to when you are happily married. My wife frowns upon me having an affair. And the frown she uses…wow…yeah I ain’t messing with that. And the way her eyes go bright red. And the horns climb out of her head when I mention it. And the way her voice turns demon-like. And the way she withholds the good loving for another 4 months.
So why are people saying “Dude, your midlife crisis is in full swing isn’t it!”? Well, I decided to move away from the fun road racing for the rest of the year and take on a few “different” challenges. I wont bother explaining them, but instead I will just give you the names of some of the runs I am doing in the next few months (if anyone wants to join me…):
The Hurt
The Brutal 10
The Demon Run
Hellrunner Down South
Tough Mudder – OK, that one is next year. Fine, sue me already.
You get the idea. Well, it started with The Hurt a few weeks back and it hurt about as much as me trying to open a can of beans using just my teeth while a dwarf electrocutes my testicles repeatedly until I get said can open. But the can is made of iron. And my teeth fall out in the first 4 minutes of trying. And I kinda start enjoying the electrocution a little too much.
And then they decided to run another Hurt later in the year…but with even more hills. And I signed up. And then I started looking around and saw the others. And signed up.
I wrote a post a few years ago mentioning I was having a midlife crisis. I got ridicule because you all said things like “You are far too young and handsome to be having one”. OK, so you didn’t. Actually, I think you all said hurtful words that would have made me cry if I wasn’t such a wall of emotional darkness. But screw it…my site, I take from it what I will…and I took from it nice words of encouragement rather than your hurtful words. But this time people are assuming I am actually having a midlife crisis. But you know, it is OK. Because at 37, if it is indeed midlife, I am going to live until I am 74. And you know, I never thought that would happen.
See, if I had taken up knitting like I said I was going to a few years ago, I wouldn’t be wading through neck deep water for “fun”.
It is your fault. I hope you’re happy.
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