According to a news story which, if you prefer to read it rather than the cack I come up with, is right HERE, a man in New Zealand walked in to A&E, had an x-ray and got it confirmed that he had an eel stuck in his rectum.
Now, call me crazy, but if I had something like that lodged in my rectum I would NOT be walking. I would be doing that awkward waddle walk, kind of like that “I am literally going to poo myself AAAAANY second” one that people do when they think “naaaah, I don’t need to go…I can carry on painting this wall. Oh..missed a bit, let me just stretch over th…oh…oh no….*waddle* *waddle*” and off they go clutching their behind hoping not to defecate themselves while walking like a wounded penguin who knows the rest of the pack are watching him.
That wasn’t me by the way. I don’t paint. Well, I do…OK, I HAVE painted. But never crapped myself while doing it. I also don’t know of anyone who has. So I guess that whole painting and pooping thing was kind of pointless. How about…ummm…”I cant be bothered to get out of bed….I will go in the morning.” and then have a fart of doom….*waddle* off they go.
You know what, that wasn’t me either. Although of the two, it is the more likely. I also just realised I have been talking about people needing to take a crap instead of the story of Eel Man.
Now, from reading the news story which you didn’t click on in the first paragraph, you will know that:
‘The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus
What constitutes a decent size? I mean, if I was going to insert something in my behind based on an asparagus sizing chart, I would have to say “I will take it how I like my asparagus. Thin and fresh a lightly warmed through” because I don’t like those sprigs of asparagus that look more like a tree trunk. I wont lie, I also don’t want anything inserted in to my rectum…especially not asparagus. It is annoying enough that if you eat it your pee smells of it, but the idea of a bowl evacuation resulting in my bathroom smelling like a green house instead of roses like it does normally after I have been in there is disturbing.
The one thing the news story doesn’t mention is the mental health of the eel. What if that poor eel was a vegetarian and the guy he ended up in was a meat eater? It seems wrong. It seems unfair. It seems that people are missing the big story here.
Or.
Maybe the guy and the eel were lovers and during normal sexual intercourse, the eel had a heart attack and died in there? Or the guy was so boring in bed that the eel fell asleep? It is certainly a possibility…my wife often falls asleep during intercourse. Her excuse is “Well, you are crap….I figure if I take a nap it will be over quicker”. Quicker? I already have a theoretical maximum participation of 18 seconds….and that has only been met once…what more does the girl want? Anyway, yeah, that eel…I reckon there is more to this story which they haven’t told us.
The other thing is that the news story mentions:
The unlikely incident was confirmed this week by the Auckland District Health Board.
‘We can confirm that an adult male presented at Auckland City Hospital this week with an eel inside him,’ a spokesman said.
He added: ‘No further comment will be made out of respect for the patient’s right to privacy.’
(You know what…don’t bother clicking on the link at the top of the page. I think I pasted all of the bits you need to read in this post.) Patients right to privacy? I went to a hospital once because I bit my tongue. In my defence, my ex-wife asked me if her arse looked big in the jeans she had on. It did. Like a pair of zeppelins fighting for a battle of supremacy in a really confined space. Everytime she took a step you had to wonder if you were wathcing the creation of life following a big bang. I HAD to bite my tongue. If I didn’t, we might end up divor….oh…yeah, doesn’t matter. Should have been honest really. But anyway, yeah, my tongues…it never ended up in the newspapers so why the heck were they publishing that story?
Sooo…I could go on, but I cant be bothered. Such is the kinda guy I am. So that is that then. If you are of the religious type who does Eid al-Adha, enjoy that. Is it the one where you eat a lot? Save me some cake! Or if you are of the American voting type, enjoy that next week..week after…whenever. If you are of the type of putting not fit for purpose items in to your rectum…just….you know, dont.
Disclaimer:
No asparagus was harmed during the writing of this post but an eel was terribly inconvenienced.
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