It has, in the last week or so, turned what can be described as “a little chilly”. That first day of scraping ice instead of bird sh*t off of your car like you get to do in summer arrives.
And then from that happy utopia that is England comes a large pile of doggie doodoo and everyone turns in to the valley of the dead.
Those happy go lucky people who spent all summer with the smouldering attitude of positivity with their chirpy feelgood comments of “OMG! It is too hot! Go away sun!” are now happy. The sun has gone. The heat has gone. The cold has arrived. And now they are moaning that it is too cold. Facebook adorns itself with a wall full of “…hates the cold” “…go away winter” “look what I made for dinner!” “…Trains are f**&ed” “…my god it is cold!” “…just made a sandwich”. These people are as predictable as finding the toilet is out of toilet roll the morning after a particularly spicy curry. Their coffee is too hot. Now it is too cold. Their house is too hot. Now it is too cold. The last time I saw something so negative I was licking a battery. And no, it wasn’t a battery of chickens. What do you take me for?
The transport system falls apart. The wrong kind of snow, ice, leaves on the line. The wrong kind of idiot running the network. We have run out of mangled smurfs to power the trains (you don’t REALLY think they run on electricity do you? Poor naive reader…do your homework. Things are not as they seem.)
Then you have the people who have gone from “Look. Look at me still in my shirt while you wear your light jacket! I am amazing. Love me…adore me…admire me. FEAR ME!” who are now wearing a coat so large that you would offer them a seat on the train because you think they are pregnant. You don’t offer that seat because they have a beard and their name is Nigel or something. The thing is, it only dropped to 10 degrees. And it isn’t raining.
Then we have that light rain shower. A few specks of rain fall. UMBRELLAS UP! Ladies…I understand. You have lovely hair that when I pass closely I take a big deep inhale of. You smell great. But blokes…for the love of some imaginary deity…MAN UP. Most of us don’t have hair…why have you got an umbrella up? Here is the thing…women laugh at you. “Compensating for something with that enormous golf umbrella is he?” is sniggered as you walk past all confident.
And then you have the “I am not used to using an umbrella” types. Those who will do their best to decapitate you with their Hello Kitty umbrella. Or believe that there is no reason they need to move it out of the way and instead the person walking past them should commando roll past to save inconveniencing you from lifting it a little higher.
So then. We have confirmed that it is in fact winter. So what do you do? You put a coat on your horse..
Why? Why do people do that? Driving to work this morning, I drove past a field. In it were horses. I know this because I looked in the field. Yes I know I should watch the road, but you just never know when you will see a stoat. I do love a good stoat. Their cheeky optimistic smiles and the fact they always wave. A few weeks back I did 4 loops just to keep waving at them. Amazing.
But. The horse. It is wearing a coat. But not a nice tight all over coat, just a coat that covers their back. I don’t want to use the word “pointless” here…but…well…isn’t that…erm…pointless? It was minus 4. It was windy. Just what is that “coat” going to do? If you are so concerned that the horse hasn’t got his coat on because he may get chilly, why not, instead of leaving it in a field in the dead of night where they go hard…and NOBODY likes it when glue goes hard…you could invite them in. Give them a warm bed. Let them take a shower. Unless you are particularly fond of your vegetable rack, you are safe that in the middle of the night they wont get up and clean the fridge out and may only help themselves to a carrot or 2. Although, and call me crazy, I have a feeling that furry outer they have. The hair type stuff that seems to completely cover them….well…I think that may actually keep them warm. I mean, I get that putting the coat on them means that at 2am when one of the horses cant sleep, he can wake up the others and say “Do I look stupid in this coat? Is it my colour? Does my tail look bushy enough? Are the sheep laughing at us?”.
And why are the cows not wearing a new coat? I guess there is the issue of do you want frozen milk or curdled milk so they have to leave it off.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 