Men. Beware. It has come to my attention that today is, according to a whole host of news reports, the best day for a woman to fall pregnant. I am not kidding here. Go to one of those places where you can find loads of information about stuff you aren’t always interested in…no not your mother in law….try Google. And put in:
11th december most fertile day of the year
And look what comes up:
More babies will be conceived than any other day this year, according to new research.
National birth records show that September 16 is the most popular birthday in the UK.
And with the average gestation period for a baby being 40 weeks December 11, exactly 40 weeks prior to September 16, has been labelled as the most fertile day of the year.
You know…I am a little confused by this. There are 2 possibilities.
1 – It is a hoax by men to trick the lady in to participating in little pre-christmas snack.
2 – The planets went in to alignment and now the entire of womankind have fallopian tubes making trumpet fanfare noises as the egg wanders down and the collective reproductive hormones of the female population suddenly went in to overdrive?
Bad news guys…Uranus is not one of the planets in alignment.
So what is it? Because if this whole “most fertile day” thing is true, a LOT of blokes are about to get duped. When you get home tonight and your wife either says “I have sent the kids to the grandparents for the night” while she stands there wrapped in a bin liner, or if you don’t have any kids, you get home to find the girlfriend/wife/neighbour/axe murderer in your kitchen with a beer in one hand, a condom in the other and an open pack of pins on the counter followed by the words “Well, we wouldn’t want to get pregnant would we….here, have a beer and why not put two of them on and lets get involved”, you know you are in trouble.
You women are just devious. All us men want is a hug. Suuure, this often leads to an uncomfortable feeling in our pants which you take advantage of, but the end result is a walking/crawling/crying contraceptive. I am fully aware of this after recent attempts to freak my wife out by saying things like “Fancy it?” and “Wanna go upstairs and check out the ceiling?” and “Can we PLEASE just once…come on…I cant even walk straight anymore. You gotta help me out here…” and then just as she becomes a little more receptive (the anti-vomiting pills take effect) there is ALWAYS one of two things happen. These are:
Daughter number 1 – MUUUMMYYYY DAAAADDDYYYYYY – I want a drink / I Cant sleep / I am scared / Want to sleep in your bed / Wouldn’t mind reading all 154 of Shakespeare’s sonnets. Delete as appropriate. Sometimes all of them at once.
Daughter number 2 – RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that is it. Game over. Any potential action is now followed by “I am starting to feel sick again” and I cant lay on my stomach for the remainder of the night.
So guys…when you get a cheeky wink from the love of your life (no; not the dog…seriously…even Germany are trying to ban that) tonight, think twice. What if she is just trying to get pregnant?
And for those blokes who are actually actively TRYING to get their wife/girlfriend/axe murdered pregnant…take a night off. Trust me. As soon as she gets preggers, you are gonna get more frustrated than a three legged dog trying to eat with a spoon.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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