It’s coming. Can you feel it? No…not the end of the world rubbish, I will probably save that for a latter post. I mean, you all did so well with the 12/12/12 12:12:12 thing. I saw all of 2 posts adorn my Facebook wall like an unwelcome fart in a broken down lift. I am expecting the end of the world madness to be a little worse. And of course, we aren’t Facebook friends as none of you ever add me meaning that all I have is me, my wife and some people I went to school with who I don’t even remember.
But no, none of that. What can you feel? The sound of madness? The long bearing attitude of insanity? The woman who was found to be having a little bit TOO much fun with the skeleton of previously alive people?
Sadly, it is the last one.
I mean, it makes sense. No matter who you fancy, they have a skeleton. So technically…you know…well…actually, I kinda hope you don’t know. If you DO know…stay away from me you skeleton shagging weirdo.
Yes, under the “quirky news” section of a news site I found THIS (hint…you have to click the word THIS. No, not that one, the previous one. It is in bold. Maybe even underlined. And a different colour) which is a story about a Swedish woman who had been having a little too much fun with a skeleton.
“Quirky news”? The woman had material on necrophilia. How is that quirky? That site needs to decide what is quirky and what is disturbingly worrying.
So yes. She had been using the bones in an unethical way. Which is all well and good, but…what bones was she using? Because, well…I have a funny bone. Would she use that to tickle herself? Did she have some elaborate plan to use each bone? Did certain bones work better than others? “ooohh…yes, I do like a good knee. But not as much as a femur as I can play with myself and then after that I can play fetch with the dog” which leads the dog to go steaming off after that bone, get it…stop…sniff…realise that something is seriously wrong, but the overriding need to play fetch takes over and off he goes returning the bone.
She has a lot of photos of morgues and chapels, and documents about how to have sex with recently deceased and otherwise dead people
Isn’t a dead person just a dead person? What do you need to know? I mean…I don’t think you need to ask them out on a date, or become friends on Facebook. Hell, I don’t even think you need to spend much time talking to them at all. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD YOU SICKO! But if you weeeeeerrrreeee to decide to have intercourse with a recently deceased person, I think you would need one or 2 things. A plinth may help. Nothing too splintery though. Oh, and if you are a man thinking of entertaining the recently deceased lady of your life, can I recommend just dipping your tackle in hydrochloric acid for 3 to 4 minutes until thoroughly clean. You may find a little discomfort at first, but after that you are golden.
The woman pleaded not guilty. Well obviously. She had been getting it daily for months. Guilt? She was probably the happiest most chilled person on the planet. And I bet that somewhere, there is a dead person who is looking down thinking “Why couldn’t I get this much action when I was alive?” and then tries to do something like that scene from Ghost where they make the pot but he ends up making a small cottage with a picket fence instead.
One of the other points of the news story that stands out is this bit:
In the confidential section of the investigation we have material which indicates she used them in sexual situations.
Well then. That isn’t very confidential is it. Because you seem to have told everyone in the world. Maybe next time I go to the Dr regarding the STD I have which I didn’t catch from my wife, he could post all about it on his Facebook wall. Maybe put a note up in the surgery? Post it on some website for her to read. Hang on…she doesn’t read this does she? Sweetie…if you do read this, it isn’t an STD. It is just that I REALLY enjoy scratching…and it is best if you don’t try it on with me for a few more weeks or so. Whats that? You wouldn’t anyway because you have more important things to do? Like read the material on a new CD you got in the post on necroph….you know what, don’t finish that line, if I found out you wanted to have sex with a dead person, I honestly don’t know how I would deal with it. I may actually kill myself.
You know what, this post was quite bad. And I feel for you lot. Sat there. Thinking “Where the hell can I find myself a recently deceased person?” Well don’t. Just look at the picture below and realise that everything is OK:
Yes. That is The Hoff. Dressed as Santa. No, YOU are welcome. I particularly like the thumbs up thing he has going on. What a guy.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 