Well, as we march merrily in to the middle of January, multiple new years resolutions are already buggered. Some haven’t started yet. Some are in full swing…and some are in full swing but are starting to get boring already.
I considered giving up alcohol for the month of January. Then I remembered I have 2 young daughters. Giving up alcohol would be plain stupid at the moment. So yeah, I haven’t gone through with it. Resolution fail. Happiness remains at an increased level. Liver is still mildly pickled from Christmas.
The paths are full of you January Joggers. The “I WILL GET FIT THIS YEAR!” ones. I miss you after January. I get used to your “WHEN WILL THIS END!” look you have on your face which you hide the best you can as someone runs past you with a smile which is more like a constipated grimace. Then you are gone. Back to the couch. Away from the cold and snow and rain and me. See you again next January?
The gym. Ah yes. The gym bunnies. If you got on the scales recently and though “HOW MUCH!! I PUT ON OVER 100 STONE!” well…you are stupid. You have it set to pounds. Nobody weighs 100 stone. OK. Some may:
In my defence, I had been on the KFC/BK/McDonalds diet. It is a really easy diet. You don’t cook, you just walk in, give them money, they give you obesity in return. Bless.
Note: Is it only me strangely intrigues by his moobs? And where the hell are his knees? And he has ridiculously little feet.
Anyway. Yes, you have the scales on the wrong setting. But it is nice to see you at the gym. You look like a rabbit in the headlights of my car as I drive to work in the morning. Tally: Car 4 – Bunnies 0. I do try to miss them. I really do. But I am not a very good driver. And that one that stuck its middle paw up at me…well…he had it coming didn’t he. Look. Stand by me on this one. Sure, they are incredibly cute, they have long ears, fluffy tails, but playboy bunnies have an evil streak.
I keep moving away from the gym thing. I am sure if you go to an online dictionary and put in “digress” it will have a picture of me with my thumbs up smiling at you. (It doesn’t. Don’t waste your time looking.)
SO YES. THE GYM. Geez, this bit isn’t even the main part of the post. But anyway. Don’t waste your money on that expensive gym membership. Give the money to me instead. If you truly wanted to join the gym and get in shape, you would have joined by now. Instead you will join that gym half a mile from your house. You will turn up. You will get on the treadmill. You will turn it on. You will walk for 15 minutes. You will leave and drive home. Hint: Walk to the gym and back. Same distance. Doesn’t cost anything.
Or as I have noticed, the new mirror watchers. Dude…you have been 3 times this year. Which is also 3 times this decade. You have the abs of a newborn baby. Stop lifting your top up and looking. I myself have now been a member of the gym for enough months that I get the “fist bump” as some of them leave. It gives me a warm tingly sensation inside. Although that may be the spicy dinner I had last night trying to make an appearance. Not sure.
But all of the above pales in comparison to the invention by a Japanese guy of a tail that you can wear which wags when you get excited. According to the very little I looked up on it (because I have more important things to do like make some toast. Actually, bear with me, I will do that now before I continue.
Short interlude
Wow, that tasted amazing. Anyway, yeah, this tail. It works based on heartrate. When your heartrate increases, it makes the tail wag to show you are excited. The primary use if for you to show someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, it is a non-discriminatory tail) that you are interested because your heartrate raises. Tail wags. You get some.
I am no doctor. No really, it is true. I am not. But from what I understand about that beaty thing in your chest is that it doesnt have a certain kind of beat for when you are excited/scared shitless/aroused/nervous.
So what I am saying is….what a really stupid idea.
If I was walking around town one day wearing a fetching white fluffy tail looking to impress the ladies, and I saw an old man get knocked down at some traffic lights which meant I would think “JESUS!! THATS BAD!” and my heartrate increased. Tail starts to wag. And I ran over to help him. Increasing my heartrate even more. Tail starts to wag more. And then he starts to get up but starts to fall and I find myself standing behind him, my groin to his behind. Him almost dead. My heart going crazy with worry. My tail going insane.
That is not going to look good for me.
Or a bunch of guys at a nightclub. The girls in skimpy clothes would be moaning about the tornado that is going on in there messing their hair up which has been created from a bunch of hormone crazed drunk 19 year olds with their tails going mad.
Or what if you were to be at a support group for something. While someone you don’t really care about is saying about something truly bad that is happening to them, you have a thought. “Did I leave the gas on? The windows are shut…your pets are in the house….OH NO!” and your heartrate increases. And your tail starts wagging. At this exact time, the person talking says “…and I may only have 2 weeks left to live”.
Maybe you will be walking around the fields where you live. You walk in to one, a bull is there. He chases you. You leg it over the fence to the next field. Heart going crazy. Tail wagging like a deranged lunatic. You are hot and sweating. You are now standing in a field of sheep. At that moment, a police car drives past. They see you. With your tail wagging. Hot and sweaty. In a field of sheep.
Do you see what I am saying here? I am totally getting one of those tails. You can read about them HERE.
Sooo…I haven’t paid the bill for this site yet. It may go to the great site in the sky in the next few weeks. So if I go quiet…like…forever…BYE!!!
Bootnote: How awesome is the song Walk by the Foo Fighters? Just sayin’.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 