Well. Here is a turn of events I wasn’t expecting.
There I was, minding my own business last night, mucking about with Elmee the bunny. When she grabbed my hand, had a little nibble….and started to hump my arm.
I thought Elmee was a girl.
Maybe Elmee is a girl. According to Google, the little fluffpots will hump anything regardless of gender. Shortly after I found out first hand. Seriously…none of you have/had a bunny and thought of giving me a heads up on this?
As I sat, minding my own business, Miss Humps-a-lot bouncing about the room, I heard a squeaking noise.
No, she wasnt shagging a mouse.
But the poor balloon that she was going to town on took one hell of a beating. Actually, she popped it. How do I explain that to my daughters?
“Daddy…what happened to my balloon?”
“Oh, Elmee shagged it to death. *pause* Why are you crying?”
I just don’t think I can say that. The room has since been removed of any soft toys. I have started to wear plastic around my legs in case I get a case of really bad man-pregnancy. OK, so I don’t know if that is possible, and certainly not via the human vs bunny reproduction method. And I was not once a woman who went through the change. No, not THAT change. I am only 37. Be nice.
But I now cant bring myself to check if Elmee is actually Elmer. I got used to saying “her”. We groom each other. My wife is already quite jealous of the time we spend together. What if we now find out she is a boy and I spend my time with a boy grooming each other.
Geez. All this talking of grooming, I am expecting to get arrested. Even more when I write the next several words:
I mean, she is 5 months old, so must be reaching sexual maturity. (Dear Mr Internet policeman. I am not grooming a child. Nor a bunny. Nor….you know what…I am not grooming anyone/thing. Not even myself. I am an unshaven mess today. Go eat a doughnut or whatever you do.) So what happens now? I am scared to ask Google as it keeps reminding me of previous searches such as:
Can I buy a condom for my leg
Bunny keeps humping me and I secretly enjoy it
I love long fluffy ears
Is it illegal to play with her tail…you know…that way.
When will it snow enough that I can skive off of work
I have even gone as far as to investigating the possibility of getting a blow up sex doll for her/him, except Google messed me about and decided instead of putting “Can I get a blow-up sex doll for my rabbit”, it changed it to “Did you mean: You are a dirty little sod who wants to bang Big Bertha the Blow Up Bunny”. So I don’t know.
Why do bunnies have to be so difficult? “Is that a dog or a bitch?” “What? Look…look at those huge balls hanging there. Obviously a boy.” Cows have udders. Chickens lay eggs. Blokes…even with manboobs…well, you can still tell.
Why do rabbits have to hide what they have and even then, according to a page I read which had nothing to do with beastiality, you have to do it a certain way to be able to tell. What is that about? And you know, I just don’t want to do it.
So for now, I will leave her to hump me. Because I am the closest thing she has to a family member and it is only fair to keep it in the family.
I should probably reword that last line.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 