Well. That is Easter over and done with. A holiday about greedy money making corporations trying to kill a poor defenceless bunny. Sure, religion got on the bandwagon and tried to outdo the poor bunny with the “Our guy got nailed to a cross” thing, but that isn’t realistic. Thus the bunny story is more likely.
Everyone knows that poor bunnies should not eat chocolate. Actually, bunnies with money should also not eat chocolate. So every damn year, the corporations send him thousands of boxes of Easter eggs. To try to kill him. And that bunny thinks “I will give it to the kids” but you know, he aint a big fat guy in a red suit that has a load of reindeers to pull him along on a sleigh. He is a small bunny. Long soft ears. Tail to die for. He has a LOT to do. And you know, he doesn’t have time to deliver eggs. Don’t be surprised if you see a bloated constipated bunny on the side of the road with chocolate around his mouth one morning after a heavy night on the town doing lines of carrotcaine and gets home and gets the munchies. See’s all those chocolate eggs and BAM. Bye bye bunny.
But you know, apart from the whole Easter thing, it is also time for a couple of weeks off work. Me and my 4 year old daughter who is off school. So it is me and her. Mono e Mono. And you know what…I have learnt a lot. In the so far 3 days I have been alone with her, I have found that I know absolutely nothing. And I am rubbish at playing games. This can be seen as:
“Daddy, I want to play the 2 pigs. You be the big bad wolf and I will be the pig. I am just going to make my house”. So she makes her imaginary house. I put on a very good performance as the wolf. I managed to really make the character mine. I huffed. I puffed. I blew as hard as I could….but it seems that she used bricks. So I couldn’t blow it down. Clever girl. Well played. My turn! I decide I have moved in to a nuclear bunker 100m under ground. Apparently this is not good enough (pretty sure it would have been) so I now have to start again. I make my house. She turns up. Does a very weak wolf performance compared to mine. Ah-haaa! I have used bricks too! But her wolf has a key. Lets himself in. Eats me.
Fine. You want to play like that? On the next round I too had a key as she once again had a brick house. Except that according to the piggy…my key doesn’t work. So she is still safe. 2-0 to her. Next up I made a house with no doors or windows. And is made of bricks. She will NEVER get through that! I am safe. Actually. No. I am not. “Daddy, you have a straw house!” a few huffs and puffs later, I am a bacon sandwich. 3-0. This seems hellishly unfair.
Lets just say I never once got to win. She won 8-0.
Another instance of an inability to win was the “Tooth fairy” incident.
Laying in bed one morning, she decided that “Daddy, lets play the tooth fairy!”. A very easy game. I pretended to be asleep (I pretended the hell out of that. It was so early that I think I actually went to sleep!) and she used her wand to steal my imaginary tooth and replace it with imaginary money and some imaginary chocolate. “Your turn!” she exclaimed excitedly. So she acted asleep. I did my magic. She woke up. Looked under the pillow. “That is the wrong chocolate!”. I managed to supply the wrong imaginary chocolate. “Try again”. So I did. “Nooo…not THAT chocolate!”. I cant even get the right imaginary chocolate. We played several times before I decided that I am no good at it and we had breakfast instead.
Today we played “Red Riding Hood”. To cut a long story short. I got eaten. 4 times. She got away. Every time. I even got shot at one point.
WHY CANT I WIN ANY GAMES!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
But it isn’t just that.
I also don’t drive the car the way I should. I should be using the brake to accelerate and the accelerator to brake. Because that is how “All cars work”.
I also don’t know where I live. “Daddy you don’t know the way home do you. I know the way. You don’t”.
And she is costing me a damn fortune. Go to the shop and it is “I NEED that. Can I have that? And that?” “Pick one and you can have that.” “OK. That. I want that one. And I need that one”. What the…. Regardless of travel costs, money spent at lunchtime and the stresses of work…it seems to be a walk in the park compared to the little madam that seems to have appeared since she started going to school.
It is 2:45pm on Thursday. We have been alone during the day since Tuesday at 8:30am. I have another 6 whole days of me and her alone before school restarts. I am seriously concerned about how much more my self esteem can take getting hit like this.
Where is the chocolate. Imaginary or otherwise.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 