A couple of weeks ago I found myself in Germany.
By “found myself”, I don’t mean I went on some magical hippy crap adventure where I spent days surrounded by incense sticks, said “Hummmmmm” a lot surrounded by people blatantly wearing just their pyjamas but honestly believe it is “hemp clothing made by lesbian geese in Norway” or something and I now know that my calling in life is that I should make shoes for underprivileged mice with 3 legs. I mean it was a surprise trip for my birthday and I didn’t know until we got there (hint: We landed in a different country….so I really didn’t know).
And that is where the weirdness started.
We stayed in a health spa near the Black Forest which wasn’t black at all. Just like the black sea. Not black. Just say what it is and don’t lie about the colour. I mean really. If you buy a bag of apples, you expect apples. If you buy a cream to reduce the size of your hemorrhoids, you don’t expect to find that tube actually contains a very potent chilli paste that will have you tearing the things from your body with your bare hands. But anyway, on checking in we were presented the spa owner. A man who is best described as “This bloke will turn up with a spade to kill us with in the middle of the night”. Literally the most scary arsed looking bloke I ever saw. He wasn’t tall. Nor built like a house. But he was wearing dungarees, was foreign….and well…I wanted to take a photo of him so I could send it to loved ones so should I go missing, look for this guy. But I couldn’t exactly just point my camera at him and take a photo. So I have put an artistic representation below. I should mention that the “artist” is me. Thus…well, don’t expect much.
See what I mean? Look at him! If you were checking in to somewhere that outside your window is a vast forest that nobody would find you in, would you question it? Yes. You would.
But we had a plan. A cunning plan. We asked him for the best walks through the forest. What he would recommend. He told us. We went in the exact opposite direction. Yup. Genius.
Of course, there was that small matter of what if he WASN’T a murderer. Just one of those freaky scary looking blokes who when someone goes missing, the police go straight to him but he always has an alibi because he is actually a perfectly nice man and mother nature decided to make him look like someone who will batter you to death in the middle of the night while you sleep and then drag your lifeless carcass to the forest and bury you. That would be unfortunate. But, well, he had dungarees on….yet he was working the check in desk. Why would he? I mean sure, there was a load of work going on and maybe he was doing that BUT I DONT KNOW.
Look…fine….maybe, just maybe I looked and saw danger where a perfectly nice German man stood. My bad. It happens. It happens a lot. Look at Facebook….a perfect example. People with little knowledge of the real world are given the ability to write things which many will read. I have several friends who do a “RIP” post for absolutely anyone who dies without actually doing any homework. But someone died….they need to mention it to look worldly. One of my FB friends I am genuinely concerned would, had they and Facebook been alive back around the time of WW2 post “RIP Adolf. A great man trying to bring us all together”. Because that person really has no grasp of reality…and if they read this, well, they wont even realise. So I am safe. Actually, proof…I am fairly confident (I could really be making this up, but then, this is not exactly a journalistic heaven on this site is it) that they actually posted “I am going to miss those crazy glasses!” when Kim Jong-il died. It wasn’t a joke.
Where was I? I’ve come waaaay off track. Oh yeah. I remember. Yeah, that German bloke….total murderer. No doubt in my head.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 