Well then. That is Easter done for another year. How was it for you? Do anything nice? Oh really!? that sounds a lot of fun. Anyway, enough about you.
I have my issues with the Easter Bunny. He is irresponsible and evil (no kidding, put “evil Easter bunny” in to Google images…the results are frankly frightening) and does nothing to help childhood obesity. OK fine…I have a sweet tooth and the git brings more tasty chocolatey treats in one night than I eat in a few months. And then I eat the lot.
But this isn’t about me. It is about the kids. Easter is ALL about chocolate and children, with the side issue of religion trying to hijack it for their own reasons. I mean seriously…I have been employed for the last 22 years and I have 2 daughters and have been married twice. Some dude gets to take a rest on a cross for a couple of days getting a sun tan, then someone else moves him in to a cave, he has a long sleep and then wakes up all rested and people are still harping on about him for the last 2000 years. What the hell. And he “died for our sins”. I wasn’t born…he needs to get back here and die again for my sins. I just don’t get it. I have worked WAY harder than he did. He was all dinner parties where all he had was bread and wine and fish. I hate fish…which means everyone got absolutely battered on wine because there wasn’t enough food and an utter lack of soft drinks from what I understand. What about the ones driving?
But anyway, that is enough about religion…this post is about Easter and the Easter bunny who is just as annoyed about religion as the rest of us. So to get religion back, he lobs a ton of sugar in the direction of my kids. And in return, they go utterly insane for a few days.
I was woken on Sunday by 2 children standing by me with baskets in their hands and telling me it is time for me to get up. Then they tore the place apart like crazed sloth’s on speed sniffing out any piece of chocolate in the place. Then my youngest daughter hid in the kitchen downing chocolate as if there was a time limit on how long it will exist for and it will turn in to a pumpkin at 10am or something. This led to the sugar an E number overload. For the next several hours I watched the Tasmanian devil spin around the house in a whirlwind of chocolate driven destruction. She started attacking her older sister who it seemed had turned in to her dealer. “Here…have a little bit of mine…you like that huh? Have a little more…it is free…go on” followed by “You want more? I am going to need you to go and eat the flowers in that vase. And chew on the table. Now go take a big poo in Dad’s shoe….in return…I will give you a little more chocolate” and because she was getting the shakes and needed more, well, fortunately my shoe remained poo free. But had I not put a stop on my eldest learning to be a dealer at the tender age of 5, I am afraid as to the extent that she would have gone to get more chocolatey goodness.
She is now in rehab. Or “No, you cannot have any chocolate for the next month” as I prefer to call it while I wait for her heart rate to slow down, and for what can only be described as a brown paste type concoction of sugar based faeces which was the result of what her body turned that much chocolate in to and the state of it on evacuation.
And that is why I hate the Easter bunny. Because he makes it allll about his hatred of religion. And that, my fluffy long eared brethren….IS MY JOB.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 