I dont generally post youtube vids, but I saw this and laughed WAY too heard to not share.  Enjoy.  It’s 7 minutes long, but so worth the time out of your day.

I have never pretended to be innocent.  Hell, once I swore in front of my teddy bear!  We don’t talk much anymore since the incident.  He took it kinda seriously.  All I asked him was “So. You really shit in the woods then?” and he totally lost it.  Yeah, crazy crazy days. 

So because of my wild wild ways, I was less than shocked to read that a guy had to have his penis ring chopped off by a bunch of firemen in a “sex game gone wrong”.  Or maybe…just maybe…part of this “game” was that he bet his wife that during the course of their bi yearly squidge fest that he could get a fireman to have a fondle.  Who knows… but naturally, I have two questions.

What the hell was he taking for him to be as stiff as a gun barrell for so long that a guy in a helmet had to get an industrial saw and free willy? And what were they doing that involved him not actually finishing off?  Playing scrabble but only using words that start with “geezthisisboring”?  And where can I get some of what he is taking?  Yeah I know that was more than three questions, but I was hoping you would accidently answer the last one without realising I asked.

I mean OK.  Chances are he took viagra.  Which, according to the paperwork I have honestly not read, it “can make you stiffer than a ironing board just after a damn good rigorous starching”…but just how good is the stuff if he had to get Mr Fireman to cut off the ring?  Why didn’t the wife just offer to finish the job so willy could continue to swim in the ocean and not be stuck in a net?  And just how would someone ring the emergency services to tell them?  Personally, I would ring them and say:

“Hey.  Me, the wife, saucy sex game, industrial sized tub of viagra….and a jubilee clip made in to a DIY penis ring.  Stuck.  Suggestions?”. 

I know that their answer would more than likely be:

“You, hand cream, copy of 101 most difficult crossword puzzles…and get the wife to fetch you a beer”. 

Really…come on guys…how would that NOT work?  Yeah?  Who’s with me?  Anyone?  Please?   Fine.  But if YOU ever find yourself in this situation as I have, don’t come to me for answers.

After reading the news story, I mentioned to my wife how much fun it would be to maybe spice things up in the bedroom.  She had an idea that it might be fun to get me drunk and tie me up.  Naturally, I was more than up for the beer.  The problem was, she got me drunk, smeared my body in mixed herbs and spices and tied me to a train track. 

When I said I wanted to spice things up, I should have known to take her excitement as something bad.  So sorry to anybody who had their train cancelled due to the wrong kind of idiot on the line.

Once in a while, someone says something that makes you glad you aren’t a pygmy in the middle of some very hungry rebels.  In my case, I was indeed not a pygmy, although I have enough “extra ballast” sitting around my midriff that would feed a whole army of rebels for a good meal or two.  This is because my body was carved by naked maidens in the middle of a jungle.  Sadly, they were blind, and were less than skilled in the art of chiseling the perfect body.  Instead, they spent 10 minutes chipping a few bits away and then staggered off to the pub to see if they could continue to drink themselves back to sight.

Instead, it was something much more disturbing. 

Because I am a generally great guy and want to help my wife with the long nights encountered with a teething child, I have on occasion (I think once in 6 months…not sure, may be less, but the last time I asked my wife, I lost a finger in the ongoing battle) offered my services to help with the nightly spending time with our crying/screaming/sneezing/teething child and getting her back to sleep.  This was usually done by inserting a bottle of the good stuff in her mouth and she would have a feed and have a nap.

And then my wife came up with an idea to stop our daughter having as many night feeds as she is having.

“I just put her on my breast for 5 minutes and it soothes her!” my wife told me cheerfully. (I felt loathsome that my daughter gets to play with the promised land and I don’t)

“Are you saying to me that I should attach our baby to my manbreast to help her sleep?” I replied.

She happily replied with “Well it will only be for 5 minutes, and once you get over the initial weird feeling, it is completely natural!”

“OK, let me clarify here.  You are saying I should let my daughter suck on my nipple in the name of her going back to sleep??????????” I replied with a confused and worried voice.

“Yeah!”  She said.  Again, chirpily and starting to really freak me out.

“I think you should do the nightly feeds from now on.” I replied…and went on the look out for something to drown the pain of what I had just heard.  Paint stripper was the winner.

Now OK.  Am I being weird for not wanting to have my daughter chow down on my manboobs? 

Crocodile clips on my joy department…fine.  Candle Wax poured by an erotic damsel dressed in nothing more than a roll of clingfilm and a smile all over my toes…ok, if you feel you should, I wont put up a fight. 

But my daughter “soothing herself to sleep” on those things that have no use whatsoever on a man? (apart from relocation of said crocodile clips…you know…if you are in to that….)  I feel ill.

I want to be “Modern Day Dad” who gets involved for sure…but some things should be left to the woman.  Full Stop.

During a nice break from that work thing tonight (I would say during my lunch break, but really…what do you call a break on a night shift?), I took an IQ test online.  And then I took another one because I just didn’t believe the first one. 

According to the two sites, I have an IQ of 136 on the first site and 137 on the second site.

And then I looked up on other sites what that IQ meant.  It reckons that I am on the higher side of gifted.  The average IQ is 100.  Apparently.  So after that, I looked up what IQ actually stands for. 

Bollocks am I gifted!  I am confident that 100% of you lot are more intelligent than that, which means just where are the below average people?  Do they live underground, smell like macaroni and creep up through the manholes in the road in the early hours and steal all our underwear that we leave out?  Honestly…How does this really work?

The only gift I have is that I don’t see many people, and that is more a gift to humankind than to me, and of deep regret to the guys I work with as they have to see me.  Even my daughter has started napping more during the day since she started seeing me more frequently.

Higher than average IQ?  I cant even count to 12 as I run out of appendages to use.  I bought some toys for my daughter so we could both learn.  Of course, to look like the good teacher, I have started early so it is easy to be able to teach her.  I am having trouble.  The star will just not fit the circle.  Where the hell am I going wrong?  No matter how hard I whack the brick, it just wont fit.

And this is true… I once had to change a light bulb, but the fitting was bayonet, and I had got a screw in bulb.  I stared for ages trying to work out where the extra fitting must have fallen off and hit the floor to allow the bulb to screw in.  OK, so I was drunk…but I don’t see that it makes a difference.

I would put my school grades on here as proof, but the key next to the letters G and the D isn’t working, so I cannot list my English and Math grades.  The others?  Well, lets just say they weren’t happy that a small child had taken the test instead of a 16 year old male.  And almost 18 years after that, I am pretty sure I got dumber instead of smarter!

In fact, the one and only time a teacher at my school actually wanted me in their class was when I had accidentally found a way in to the network user admin program and during a little “If I change this, I will have my own user with full administrator permissions” fun, I locked out the teacher.  Strangely, I found a career in IT the way forward! 

I have alphabetti spaghetti for dinner to help me spell.  And I didn’t get the nickname of Simple Simon because of my simply awesome good looks.

Oh, and just in case you think I am lying about the IQ thing, they give you a badge to use: (So click it and go take a test!)

Yup.  I know.  I even checked to see if there was a . between the 1 and the 3 because that would make a LOT more sense.

So what is up with the tests?  Are we talking about the IQ of a goat?  Because you know, when I came across the IQ test, I was actually looking for *cough* kinky goat outfits *cough*.

I am planning on taking the MENSA one tomorrow just to get back in that sub 100 bracket.

It was just a typical morning.  You were standing there having a bit of a wash and then you slip.

Falling quickly, you grasp for something to hold on to.

You grab your knees. 

In hindsight, not the obvious best choice to grab under the circumstances.  And then this happens:

Yup, you attach the sink tap to your eye.

Or you do if you are a Chinese man, anyway.  I think he deserves the award for partaking in excessive personal hygiene.  I mean honestly…use a cloth or something to wash!  If you think it is dirty, get a NEW cloth.  This just isn’t rocket science is it… Or maybe he took the saying “Even packed the kitchen sink” a little too far?

At one point in the news story one family member is quoted as saying:

“It was so scary, there was blood spouting everywhere,”

Well turn the frigging tap OFF!  How the hell did they live this long without such basic knowledge?!?

They then took an x ray because…ummm…maybe they couldn’t spot the tap or something? I don’t know.  I mean, there it is.  It is in his eye!  But I guess they just took delivery of a shiny new x ray machine and decided it was time to give it a run.  What did they see?

Does anyone else notice what I see?  No, not the tap stuck in his eye which resembles a Dr getting carried away with his artistic skills with a bottle of tip-ex (white out for my North American cousins) on an x ray. 

The other 3 things.  There is a cursor arrow and a blue x inside his head and a squiggly thing to the right of his forehead.  Now OK, the squiggly thing is outside so that is OK, but the arrow… somewhere in the world, someone has a mouse that when they move it about, that arrow drives him crazy.  And the blue x… I don’t even want to think about.  Although I am wondering how big the x ray was because the more I think about it, the more I think I will see an alien anal probe.

I had a similar experience to this once too.  No, not the anal probe.  The getting things painfully stuck.

I was enjoying a perfectly good session of inserting my finger in my nose and it actually got stuck!  You see, I have a problem whereas when I get aroused, my nostrils actually shrink in size.  It’s true!  Google it!  and so during my clearing out session, I saw a monkey de-licing another monkey on the nature channel.  45 minutes I was sat there trying to get my finger out.  In the end I just thought really hard about a cucumber covered in olive oil and the British Prime Minister…and some kind of alien anal probe.  Luckily that did the trick.  Made me ill as all hell though.  I didn’t eat for 2 days.

Yup, me and tap dude are like two peas in a pod.

Save yourself some time with googling the nostril thing.  I put the link HERE for you.  Yes I know.  I AM thoughtful.

Photos taken from the news story.  If you think I stole them and want them removed, ask nicely and pay me £200 to prove you really mean it.

I have read tonight about two individuals that were admitted to hospital with bizarre objects inserted where the sun doesn’t shine.  And I don’t mean in my heart where the clouds overpower me every day.  God I feel so sad and lonely.  Now, where was I… ohhh yeah…

Now I know this is nothing new, and has happened many times around the world and has appeared in many different news stories.  Oh, and before you label me a perv, I wasn’t looking for this or for other ways of removing large objects from those places either…you know…before you start a hate campaign in the comments section.  Actually, I was looking at new ways of cooking potatoes, yes, that’s it…new ways of cooking potatoes…and managed to read about a vicar who “slipped and fell” on a potato and it inserted itself in to his behind. 

Yeah sure it did Mr Vicar.  His actual explanation, which in no way sounds like he may be making it up was:

The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.

Hmmm.  Where is your God now Mr Vicar?  He fell backwards on to his kitchen table eh?  To a table which contained an open pot of KY jelly and some inviting potatoes and obviously a slip and slide mat.  And at no point did he think of clenching?  And why on earth was he hanging his curtains while nude?  The last time I did that, I ended up in court being sued for scaring my neighbour who was worried that even though it was the middle of summer and very warm, I was doing things with fish bait. 

I also read about a Romanian woman who walked (well, when I say walked, I am assuming she limped with a grimace on her face) in to a hospital with a large can of hairspray lodged in a place which wasn’t her ear.  Hairspray?  What was wrong with a can of WD-40 instead?  It’s a smaller can and stops the embarrassing squeaking which girls do and blame on us guys.  She also declined to say how it got lodged in there, but I believe she already hung her curtains the week before, so it wasn’t that.

So why do people insist on accidentally falling on a potato and a can of hairspray?  Surely inserting something that large in to something that small is comparable to having sex with a rainbow.  Yeah, it seems like a good idea, but is there really any gold at the end of it?  The answer is a blindingly obvious NO my friends.  Unless of course, you sell your story to the newspapers.

I thought long and hard (just like a can of hairspray!) about doing some research here…you know, coz I get told often enough that I talk out of my arse, but I realised that we have no hairspray in the house and only a few potatoes left, which my wife tells me are not for mashing and we are having with dinner tomorrow.  So there went my research before it began.  Luckily.  Because I was starting to sweat just thinking about it. 

But for those of you that are thinking of inserting a copy of The Sunday Newspaper and all it’s supplements in there, just remember to have your story sorted first.  It is less embarrassing if you have a better reason than “Oh, I slipped and fell while playing scrabble with the family dog.  If you can retrieve the dog while you are there…”.

News stories and photos are HERE and HERE.  Sadly, the potato one just shows a photo of a potato, and not an x-ray.  I would say “enjoy!” but yeah…

I read tonight that a university in Taiwan has a course to teach it’s students how to appreciate and analyse porn movies.  They mention that more than 50 students had registered for the course.  Not mentioned was the longest queue in living history for people to sign up for a course.

I am sure you are much less surprised to hear that most of them had admitted to have watching porn before. 

No kidding?  Teenagers watching smut?  Really?  That’s like admitting that an alcoholic may just enjoy the off tipple or two with dinner, or that a bear really does do his business in the woods.

My favourite part of this news story is:

One worried student, who did not wish to be named, commented: “If I get a very good score in this course, I don’t know how I’ll explain it to my parents.”

I think when he goes home and says “Mum…Dad…I enrolled in my subjects today.  I am taking English, Maths, Advanced home economics, colouring in by numbers…and watching porn!”.  His Mum is going to be disgusted, and his Dad will more than likely offer to help with his homework.

I have a few things here that I think I may well write to the university and ask.  These are:

• Just how is the class nerd going to deal with this?  Will there be a separate supply of tissues for them for when they have a nosebleed? 
• Will the tables in the classroom for this course be a little more raised than the other tables in the university?  If they ask the students what sized table they will require, the whole class will end up with tables so high that they cant actually see the top of it.
• Just what will determine a pass grade in this course?  The ability to do the 15 minute presentation without getting sweaty palms and having to visit the bathroom?  Maybe they pass if they can get at least 3 teenage boys to pick up their coursework and place it on there lap, or make them cross their legs! 
• What homework will be involved?  Will they have to study in their own time or is this a purely class based subject?  And can you use the Internet for any material?  Do you get more points for using the Internet for research because it is under your own initiative?
• How do you NOT appreciate porn?  Ah come on…you know there is something out there you would like if you looked a little harder than you normally do.
• When they say “analyse an audience’s psychological reaction to a porn clip from an academic perspective.”, do they mean how many of males in the room start to make weird grunting noises while the girl sitting next to them giggles hysterically and says “My boyfriend is so much smaller than that!”…or did that only happen to me at university?  Only kidding.  Do you really think I am that well educated?  Or maybe I did go to university, but spent WAY too much time researching one course.

I had a chat with one of the voices in my head who told me that I should give this a go.  So if you don’t see any posts for a while, it is because I am studying so hard that I am practically going blind.

Now.  Where did I put those mansize kleenex tissues….

HEREis the link to the news story, but it doesn’t give out course details, so I guess you should stick to your usual “suppliers”.