I may be wiley, but I know my rights…

The names Woxy.  Foxy Woxy.  But you can call me Alan.  This is my true story.  It is a story of a once blossoming friendship which turned to me being stabbed in the back and my once good friend abusing me in the name of money. 

That’s me.  It had been a pretty long day at this point.  I had just come back from court trying to get royalties for pictures that I am in.  The court case is still ongoing.  Apparently the UK courts don’t see why I, a Fox called Alan, should get any royalties.

The court case exists because my once friend Floog now takes pictures of me in precarious positions and then sells them on.  A while ago, he had me in a tutu doing a pirouette.  He sold it to me that we could make a lot of money, but have I seen a penny of it?  Hell, he doesn’t even leave a plate of food out for me, but there he is in his big comfy house with his family living the high life.  As for me; no family.  I am far away from that dream trying to find stardom.  A stardom that Floog promised me, but never delivered.

Growing up, I was a happy little dude.  My Dad did everything he could to get food on the table.  He was a professional runner at a race track having dogs chase him while people bet on which dog wins the race.  They used to use a hare, but he retired after a nasty incident where he slipped and the dogs caught him.  The ambulance chasers were all over that incident. 

Even though we didn’t have money, we were always happy.  Growing up, I did a stint in the armed forces protecting fox and county.  Here is me in my army fatigues:

Fetching huh!  The ladies always loved me.  It was this picture that Floog took of me which started all of this.  He approached me one day while wearing my uniform and said he wanted to take a photo.  I let him; afterall, what a compliment for such a promising photographer to want to take a photo of me.

After the photo-shoot, Floog told me that we should work together.  With my sexy body, long red hair and a tail so bushy, the ladies faint when they see me, it seemed like I would be on the cover of Foxes World in no time. 

Then it all changed.  He changed.  The pictures were no longer me in muscular foxy positions.  He wanted pictures of me dressed in weird clothes.  And in poses which no fox should be in.  I mean please…have you ever wanted to see a fox wearing a gingham dress?  No of course you haven’t.  And why would you!  And then he started telling me what “sexy” poses I should be doing.  Do you think this picture will ever make it to the front cover of Foxes World:

He sold it to me as follows: “Foxy…I want you to put your back leg around your head.  I really want to get the men on board on this one”.  Huh?  What?  I am a red blooded Fox called Alan!  I want the ladies after me!  I mean look at it.  It is barely my finest moment is it?!  So I said “Look.  You have one more chance to get this right or I am off”.  He told me to trust him and he would do me right.  He said no more gingham dresses and we would go “up market”.  I stupidly believed him.  Here is what he did:

*sigh*  And that was that.  I forced a confrontation with Floog.  He said “Look, we are making money out of you here!”.  We are…or YOU are?  Because I am not seeing a penny.  He had sold my pictures to some VERY dubious publications such as “Fox Love Monthly” and “Fluffy Tails with Fluffy Tales” magazine.

So there we have it.  I am in court with him trying to get some money out of him and maybe live the life that he already lives.  It is a tough harrowing time for me, but I, Alan T Fox shall prevail.  I have started a campaign and am getting a lot of help from people.  Here is one human dressed as a fox standing up for my rights outside the houses or parliament campaigning for me to make money from my intellectual property:

Any donations to my cause can be sent to the link attached to the picture of the hamster on the right hand pane.   Remember.  A fox isn’t just for Christmas.

Thank you for your time.

Alan T. Fox

 

 

The 1st and 3rd images are copyright Floog.  I suggest you visit his site.  The other pictures…hell, I dunno.  I filched em from Google Images, but I believe they are in the public domain.  If they aren’t, just shout.

Is it really a load of bull? Part 1

I have read two news stories tonight.  One was about a cow misbehaving, and the other a bull misbehaving.  To look at the stories HERE and HERE, you will see they seem very unrelated incidents in two different countries over a period of time longer then 18 seconds apart. 

Or are they?

I uncovered evidence that these two random acts are indeed not random acts, and that the bovine population of the world have plans to wage a war on us.  I have spent many hours at my own personal risk to bring you my story.  Heed my warnings. I know the following may be a little “Animal Farm” in it’s seemingly Orwellian totalitarianism, but read no fiction below this point. 

During my investigation in to this beef insurgency, I discovered detailed plans, DVD’s and books hidden in a field near Beef HQ.  The Beef Heirachy did experiments on homeless cows to build a master race of cow soldiers, but they all turned mad.   But then they realised they could take over the world by making sure that the humans ate the meat, thus killing them, or at least making them start saying “MOO” instead of talking.  The book, “The Batti Guide” (Bovine Attrition Tactics Through Insurgency) also described plans to water down the milk sold to shops and to make huge profits on it to help wage their domination efforts.

I have also watched the head of the cow and bull sects having secret meetings with the sheep contingent.  It is my thoughts that the sheep are the foot soldiers as it would seem unlikely that they have the brainpower to carry through the details of plans I have read and seen put in to action.   

During my time investigating, my family had noticed fields of cows which were not in those fields the day before.  As if they are watching us.

It all came to a head on Tuesday when there was a knock at my door.  Upon opening it, I came face to face with a group of cows in balaclava’s.  Although polite in there conversation to start with, it was obvious they were not accepting me watching them any longer.  It appears that they knew all along that I was watching, but what I had not realised is that I had stumbled on to something bigger.  Something more then I thought was a plan of the Bulls and Cows taking the world. 

What I had seen was only the tip of the iceberg.  The battle I had seen was actually the start of something a LOT bigger.  The animals had been double crossed by the Fruitarians.  Yes, Fruit Loop had regrouped and the story he told to the police was indeed real.  The fruits were aliens.  Fruit Loop had joined forces to create an intergalactic army to fight the humans.  The fruits on earth were devoid of any arms or legs. (it is thought that the ozone, being the danger it is, causes their arms and legs to change shape, which is why fruits are generally on trees.  They were being held together in one place while the war back home continued.)  Therefore it was decided that they needed an army.  Fruit Loop had called on the bovine armies of the UK.  But he had double-crossed them, and the Bovines are taking the fight to them.

More as I get it.  Be well my friends, I hope the battle will not last long.  I have been invited to the frontline by the Bovine Forces, and further updates will come from the front line.

Your input is called upon.

So I have managed to track down the hamster.  As in my last interview, I had said he was dead as I had not heard from him.  I am going to interview him in the next day or so, and thought you might want to ask it some questions.  So, go ahead.  Anything you wanna ask the little dude?

In other news, I spent almost 36 hours straight in bed with my wife.  We were both so tired at the end of it.  Unfortunately I cannot brag about any adventures in sexyland.  My cat decided on Thursday night that it is time to drop the litter she has been growing.  She decided at 1am in the morning so I had not got to bed yet, and was about to get in to a conversation with Jim about the different series of Star Trek. So, 4 kittens later, quite some time has passed and it was a  new day, of which we got a little sleep but not much.

Charlie (the cat) is pretty close to me.  I looked up on the net what she would do when she had them.  I was told that she would go to a quiet corner somewhere and she would have them quietly.  Well, not quietly, but without the need to human interaction.

So.  Just before 1am, she came and laid beside me.  Let out a few weird noises and the cat equivalent of her waters breaking happened on the chair.  That was nice.  I checked and all the signs were there, so I went to wake up wifey who wanted to know.  At this point, Charlie went to her quiet corner.  Unfortunately her quiet corner was my side of the bed under the quilt.  Yup.  She had them in the bed.  She also didn’t want us to leave her, so we have been attached to the bed for I have no idea how long now!  I also took over midwife duties when the 4th one came out and a tired Charlie looked and wasn’t quite sure what to do now.  So I broke the little sack it was in.  Yeah, I can fix cats as well as computers!  No mouth to kitten was required.  I got there in time.  Everytime we leave the room, Charlie calls us back, so I will get a proper post together when I have more time!  I know, I am putting the animal before you lot, but you lot don’t purr when I stroke your ears, and when you lay down and want me to stroke your belly, it is just plain unusual.  That’s the way it goes!

My wife made me do it.

My wife decided to get in on the whole giving me words to write about.  Her choices of words were: murder, point made, beach bum and a tomato box as a home.  I asked her where she was in her head when she thought of these, and she replied “In a tomato box on a beach playing my banjo for lunch money! I am in a happy place…”.  A place that contains a banjo murder is a happy place?  I have changed the locks to the door until I can confirm she is OK to come in.

Well, lets give this a go then:

In the background, a melon is wrapped in silk, and looks to be wearing a makeshift crown.  It is a crowded room, the occupants stood talking about the next phase of the plan.  The shops had gone too far this time.  Displaying the lifeless shells on display, and people actually bought them, and even ate them.  The government support for such a crime was, in their eyes, tipping the very balance of life itself.  Something had to be done.  Something to stop the madness.

Leaflets get passed around the room.  “Fruitarian Action Through Solid Opposition” (FATSO), the group opposed to the mindless murder of fruits all around the world, had a new plan.  But the old days of protests were long gone.  Now they were taking the law in to their own hands. 

In the old days, FATSO would go to supermarkets, and take the murdered fruits and give them a burial as decided by the head of the Fruitarians.  His real name was a mystery.  He was only known as “Fruity One”.  His closest ally and right hand man was known as “Fruity Two”.   What Fruity One did not know though, was that Fruity Two had more sinister plans, and with a splinter cell, took over the Fruitarians pushing Fruity One out.  He changed the dynamics of the attacks on supermarkets and took the fight directly to the government too. 

Instead of taking back the dead fruits and burying them, they were now throwing the fruits at the supermarket workers and the government officials.  “You have the juice of so many fruits on your hands” Fruity Two read out on an audio statement on the internet “that you will go to Frell”.  Fruit Hell, or Frell as it is known, is said to be the place that you go to should you kill a fruit.  Eating a now dead fruit was seen as the ultimate insult to the fruit God “Friety”.  The members of FATSO always knew they would go to Fruitopia.  Fruit Heaven.

Fruity Two, now running the organisation, decided that he should now be knows as “Fruit Loop”.  Loop was short for “Leader of opposition party”.

Fruit Loop took the Fruitarians to the streets.  To sign up supporters for his campaign against the fruit murdering infidels.  It was during this fateful day that things changed.  Being a hot summers day, they decided that the beaches would be full.  They would canvass the entire beach signing up people to their flawed organisation.   They all split up and started canvassing the area.  Fruit Loop approached a beach bum and started his speech.  While doing this, the beach bum took an apple out and took a bite chunk out of it. 

Fruit Loop was livid.  Attacking the beach bum with fists waving about like a person who just ate a very hot chilli and cannot find anything cold to put in his mouth, thus flapping around like a mad excitable pigeon.  On seeing the scuffle, the police arrived and took Fruit Loop to the police station.  During the interview, it was found who Fruit Loop really was.  Fruit Loop stood his ground, angrily explaining his reasons for the Fruitarian action.  Explaining that fruits were not something to be eaten, but were living beings from the planet Fruipiter and that they had come here to escape the Intergalactic war with the fellow fruits from Fruito.  With his point made, he sat down, took a cup of water and sat back, smug in the knowledge that he would surely be let off.

The police filed charges, and the court sentenced him to 3 years imprisonment with a psychiactric evaluation. 

3 years later, as the prison Gates open, Fruit Loop walks free, his time served.  He arrives to his home, but the house has been demolished from freak weather.  With nothing but the clothes on his back, his walks away.  He ends up at the beach, where a beautiful lady who lived in a tomato box plays a banjo, singing songs about being locked out of her house, with a hat laid out in front of her to collect money for lunch.

The Fruitarians stopped their campaign after Fruit Loop was sent to prison, and the group disbanded.  Many became healthier for starting to eat the fruits they once worshipped.  Fruity One now works as a product advisor for a big supermarket and Fruit Loop is still continuing his campaign.  No one knows where he is, but strongly worded letters keep being sent to the supermarkets.  Have we heard the last of Fruit Loop and the Fruitarians?

The interview of the century…

…is not this one.  But this is an interview with yours truly.  With questions submitted by you guys.  So what I am saying is… if you don’t like the content, they are your questions!!   

First up is Anca who kindly didn’t send in questions which all center around the hamster.  Even in his death, he seems to get the spotlight sometimes.  So here is what she has asked.

Anca: What’s with this almost compulsive obsession you have with hamsters?

Sy:  *Oh.  Maybe she has centered the questions around that hamster*  As a child, I had a rabbit.  And a guinea pig.  I wanted a hamster.  Never got one.  I came to resent them.  There they are in their little wheel getting fit, and loved by children and adults because they have this cuteness about them.  Then there is me.  So so different.  But then, I realised that everyone has a hamster in a wheel powering their brain.  The more I read back the posts I write, the more I realise *my* hamster has left home, and my brain is just a turning wheel with nothing giving it direction.

Anca: Why is the hamster dead?

Sy:  He may not be dead.  He may be locked in a chamber in my brain somewhere.  But that was his choice to leave my head and not even leave a note.  Maybe he was kidnapped.  I decided he was dead so I could move on and just accept the wheel for what it is.

Anca: How do you feel to be interviewing all these celebrities?  Are they intimidating or are they just like me and you?

Sy:  In truth, I have no real time for celebrities.  They have illusions of grandeur, so when I am interviewing them, I see an equal and not someone who is above me.  For the most part they are OK, but then you get the likes of Bugs Bunny.  I had no time for him.  He was rude and obnoxious.  I made the effort, but then the demands he made…well, yeah.  But then when you see the Easter Bunny interview, you see how fame has not gone to his head.  And he has been around a lot longer.   Unfortunately most of them are not like me and you.  But that does mean we can destroy their life by bugging them continuously.  They asked for the fame afterall!

Anca:  Is the hamster really dead or is he just playing dead?  How would he feel to know you are using him as a mascot for your site?

Sy:  As I said before, I believe him to be dead.  But it is more then possible he is playing dead.  The question would be why would he want to leave my head unannounced and thus far not return.  I cannot possibly answer that without laying my innermost thoughts on to the table here.  And this close to lunch, there would be no time to clear up the mess before the pot pie is ready.

Anca:  When did you first notice you were different?  When was that first moment you discovered you have this ability to create a world of your own?

Sy:  Different?  Are you saying I am not normal?  Damn that hamster.  *pleads*  “Come back hamster!  I neeeeed yooooou!”.  I spend a lot of time alone because of the shifts I work.  I am also incredibly shy (no, really) so spend a lot of time in my head.  A lot of stuff appears in my head which is not written down.  This is because I would be sectioned.

Anca:  Are you an animal lover or hater? (we all know you were trying to defend the alligator when he ate your cat, plus the hamster is dead – and nobody knows why.)

Sy:  I am a lover, not a fighterhater.  I knew that Charlie was still alive, and this was proven when she returned unharmed with nothing but a hangover from a long party she had been to.  I believe it is for the better that the hamster stays away.  Should he ever return, this blog may turn to a serious note and the usual general madness would be gone.  Of course, it is worth putting it to the vote as to if people actually want to see what happens when the hamster is in charge of the wheel. I could install a new one temporarily, and may even gain more readers.  But no one likes the serious Sy.

I hope I have answered your questions to your satisfaction Anca.

Next up, we have Jim.  Looking at the questions he has supplied, I see that he wishes to see what really goes on in my head.  The last time I saw a picture of Jim, he was dressed as Indiana Jones.  Not every adventure is winnable Jim.  Here is what Jim had to say for himself.

Jim:  Sy I understand that you are a lunatic in need of serious therapy.  Is there a reason why you have not sought treatment?

Sy:  If I am honest, I treat myself.  For instance, I tear my heart open and I sew myself shut.  My weakness is that I care too much.  But when I look at it all, my scars remind me that the past is real, so I tear my heart open just to feel.  Although I have thought about trading this life for fortune and fame.  Hell, I would even cut my hair and change my name. Oh.  Hang on, that’s lyrics by Papa Roach and Nickelback.

Even though we have the free medical system here in the UK, it is worth noting that most of the people running it are worse then me.   Or maybe I am actually ON medication.  Most people could only come up with the stuff in my head via illegal substances or mind altering medical treatment.

Jim:  OK so know we know why you have avoided treating your psychosis but where does your madness come from?

Sy:  I have asked my Mum many a time just how many times I was dropped on my head as a child.  Her answer is always the same.  She replies “Whooobly jobby fling fling poodle!”.  I am not sure what that is supposed to mean.  I ran it though some translators but nothing as of yet.  People say I take after my Mum.  I dunno…I cant speak that foreign language.  She is WAY more intelligent then me it seems.

Jim:  I see very interesting.  So how has this affliction effected your life when it pertains to dealing with the opposite sex?

Sy:  It has affected me a lot.  I did suffer from premature conversation ending.  You know?  I will be saying something and almost immediately I am done with the conversation without finishing the line.  I spend ages trying to talk again, but I just stand there.  Limp.  My wife accepts me for who I am now, and has cured this, so I can talk to her on demand these days.  She can just stand there and say something and I am right there in the zone ready to talk.  We are close like that. 

Jim:  That was more than I needed to know but entertaining none the less.  So where do you see yourself taking this little blog of yours in the future?

Sy:  I already see the life-cycle of this blog coming to an end.  I have considered completely leaving it or at least leaving it in a state of limbo for now and concentrate more on other things. 

Jim:  Are you sure you will be able to that?

Sy:  Not a damn chance!  I enjoy it too much.  Although I am thinking of taking it in a different direction.  The problem is that it would require way more audience participation.  And more readers.   I would like to do more stories based on words given to me.  Or more interviews.  But these all take people commenting and giving me stuff to work on.  Which does not happen.  And I have no time to advertise, and am not willing to pay for advertising on a site which I make no money out of, and will not put ads on the site for the foreseeable future.  I cant see many people hitting the paypal link either.  But that is because it is so well hidden on the page under the guise of a dead hamster.  Hang on.  This answer was serious.  Let me change that.  Oh no.  I can’t.  My premature conversation ending has ret…

Well, I hope that answered your questions Jim.  And if it didn’t…well, ummm…  too bad!  You had your chance to elaborate when you wrote the questions!  An interview is only as good as the interviewer.

And now we get to Don.  Don is a man of the cloth.  The “I wont wear loin cloth” I believe.  We have on many occasions asked him to put the mouse back in the cage, but as you will see by his questions, it is alllll about him.

Don:  Why do you think Don is such a successful humor-blogger?

Sy:  I think it is realistic that Don is so successful because the more of his site that I read, the more I see my own material stolen and reworded.   But his success comes from his ability to get inside the head of people and make them come to his site.  Actually, if you look at the captured CCTV footage at THIS link, and then go to his site, you will see that they are the same person.  Yes that is right.  Don is using hypnosis to make people like him.

Don:  If there was one thing about Don that you, in your pathetic cocoon of self-delusion could emulate, what would it be?

Sy:  I think the beard.  I get all itchy when I start to grow mine, so I shave it off.  The fact that I can tell what a man in Idaho had for lunch from just looking at a picture as half of it is in his beard…well…of that I am jealous.  I try.  I try so hard.  I try to accept it will itch while it grows, I really do.  I just can’t do it.  *sigh*

Don:  Why should Don, already busy saving the Earth from imminent destruction, spend his exceptionally valuable time playing the straight man for you? (Give examples. Two diagrams required.)

Sy:  An interesting question Don.  But you have not given all the facts in the problem of Earths imminent destruction.  It is in fact YOU which is causing the destruction of earth.  I am the saviour.  A perfect example of this is below:

As you can see by this image, he looks confused.  Unaware how to fix the world.  So who does he call?

And there you have it.  The boy wonder who Don thinks is a sidekick, is actually the guy running the show.  Don was given “star status” after winning the coin toss.  I do the saving.  Thank me, not him.  If you see him in the newspapers taking the credit, just know you read it here first.  He is nothing.  I am everything. (He is nothing, I am everything?  What the hell am I?  A damn sprite advert?)

I decided to not add 2 diagrams as I think the pictures say it all.  Instead, I shall do just the one below which shows a simple calculation.

 

As you can see, Sy is on the straight and narrow.  Don is in freefall with nothing to hold on to.

I hope that you are happy with the answers to your questions Don, and thank you to you all again for participating.

Hi, my name is Stinky McPoopieHead…and other stuff.

According to THIS article, children who have been given strange names by their celebrity parents tend to do better in life.   New research suggests that odd names such as Princess Tiaamii or Peaches can be an advantage.

I have not yet consulted, nor told my wife that our child will be called “PurpleLilly ShankWobbler”, but I am sure when she hears that stupid names get them ahead in life, that she will fully agree.

What are these people on.  Are they famous because they have a name which comes out like a constipated person on the toilets illegible musings, or because Mummy and Daddy are millionaires and have contacts.  No amount of “I want to go my own way” will make the slightest bit of difference. 

I know this because I have a great name.  People always comment on it and get all mushy over me saying how great it is, but as soon as I try to get ahead in life with it, I get told no.  So I started to tell them that my Dad was the cookie monster.  Ohhh NOW they are interested!  I now have more cookies in my house then you can believe. 

I was also going to say I am Richard Branson’s love child, but you know…I am married.  If I start getting virgins in the post, it is really going to put a dampener on my marriage. 

And now for something completely different.  My serious side.  Yup.  When something really gets on my nerves, it just comes out.  I have an opinion.  It is my blog.  It gets written!  This wont be a common occurrence. 

It has been decided that MPs will be able to follow their consciences in three areas – including allowing scientists to create embryos with human DNA and animal cells.  Can you imagine that?  People who make important decision on what happens in this country are voting as they feel they should rather then because they are told to!  These are the same people who are voting against the people knowing just how much tax payers money goes towards the politicians second homes.  And that is why I will never vote.  They are all a bunch of thieving scum taking their power for granted.  No matter what party they are in.

And lastly, I hope that anyone whose CV has current job listed as “Seal Clubber” just so happens to fall on their own knife, and while laying there helpless, a baby seal comes and beats your damn head in with your own club.  As some idiot put it “Oh, but there isn’t much in a way of making money if they ban it”.  Tell you what, how about if the world ever requires the need to remove the planet of worthless idiots via a club to the head; don’t feel bad if you aren’t offered pain killers, or a more humane way of beating you to death.  Scum.

I’ll get off my soap box now. 

The next post will be the interview from a couple of posts ago.  If you haven’t got your questions in yet…you better do soon or you will miss out!

Sugar and Spice

It is hard to write a post without messing about in it, so I tried hard.

We went to the hospital this morning to have the next baby scan.  While walking out, there was a sign that reads “Hearing tests:  Please knock”.  Are they going to hear you?  What about a flashing light instead!  But nope.  That is the health service for you.

Aaaaaanyway.  At the scan, we found out that “it” is now not an “it” anymore.  Instead, “it” is one of those of the “Sugar and spice and all things nice” variety!

Feel free to send me all of your savings to pay for everything!

An Interview with the SiteWriter

Here is a different idea to the interviews I have been doing.  Unfortunately it needs audience participation.  To that means YOU then.    And it requires an imagination; which being the people that read this must be as mad as a Jack in a Box on LSD, I think you can do it.

So.  As me questions.  Form an interview and stick the questions in the comments section.  I was going to post an email address to send it to, but I think I will end up getting spammed!

I expect originality in this people!  “Where do you live” and “what colour hair do you have” will not be answered.  I expect stupid questions! 

You can of course, also request more cartoon characters (or other fictional characters) to be interviewed.  Or give me the 3 or 4 items that have to be in a story.  Or if you would like something else written about, stick it in the comments!  After all, you come here…what do YOU want to see on the site? 

Feel free to post as an anonymous if you are one of those regular visitors that dont usually comment and don’t want to come out of the closet.

It all seems a little CD to me.

“If music be the food of love, play on”.   

That is a well known saying by a man who wore clothes which made him look stupid.  (No, it is not Gok Wang.  He might dress like someone with the IQ of an omeba and be excruciatingly annoying, but the chances of him talking instead of dribbling absolute shite is just not going to happen).

Originally the saying ended in “mines a burger please” instead of “play on”, but the masses at the time just didn’t get it, so with all original pieces of art, it was changed.  I am of course talking of Shakespeare. 

I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking “heeeeey!  Sy is going to write an intellectual post rather then the usual rubbish”.  Well.  You know what!  NEVER going to happen people!

Instead I am going to talk music.  And maybe food.  Hell, I might even talk about a blind Albino lesbian dwarf named Shirley.  I dunno.  Lets see where the post takes me.

It is a well known fact in circles which I am the only member, that my taste in music is the only one worth having.  This is because I believe that you should listen to music by people who genuinely create music.   I have a huge issue with manufactured pop crap.  But what is it coming to when a record label goes on the hunt for monks to record a “Gregorian Chant Album”.  AND.  What is it coming to when monks actually reply!  Yes, hundreds of monks responded, but the winner was the Cistercian monastery in Austria’s Vienna forest. 

How did they win? 

Naturally, they submitted a YouTube clip of themselves.  

If we can now get the usual pop-crap “artists” (I use the word artists as loosely as an enema overdose) to take a vow of silence in replace of the singing monks.  Or just to go away.  Not for long.  Just forever.

Tom Lewis who is the “Record more crap” executive at Universal who are going to record and release the album said that”They’re lovely people, they’re very passionate about their music and they’re very excited about this opportunity”.  Shortly after, they say “Universal staff, who have yet to meet the monks…”.   Good job Mr Lewis.  At least you haven’t lied.

So just what turkey is going to listen to a CD of Gregorian chanting anyway?  These turkeys.  And what is their top 10 favourite choons?

1 – Gregorian chanting

2 – Happy turkeys

3 – Farmyard sound

4 – Trotting horses

5 – Sounds of the forest

6 – Sounds of the seaside

7 – Wind on the moors

8 – Dawn chorus

9 – Wind chimes

10 – Whale sounds

Whale sounds??  So with the exception of a nice mid summer cruise, when the hell do turkeys hear the call of a whale to know that it works for them?  Or Happy Turkeys?   How do people know the turkeys are happy?  Maybe they are repeatedly saying “187 more days until we get butchered for someones dinner.  186 more days until we ge…” etc.  Sorry if I sounded like some vegetarian campaign group.  I eat meat!  I love meat!  Cows have on occasion told me how happy they are that their ultimate sacrifice is for my greater good and meaty needs.  So.  Viva!.  Stick that in your vegetarian pipe and get high on it.  Vegetables have feelings too you know.  Are they trying to tell us that the Venus Fly Trap doesn’t have a mind of its own?  And my mate harold the Marrow would be devastated if his yougest son ended up on some veggies plate!

My word.  That was almost confrontational.  But really.  Have they not noticed that MEAT is just short for “Must EAT”?

I think I should probably find a CD with Gregorian chanting on or something to calm me down. 

They make CD’s with that on right?

 

The Easter Bunny: An Eggstra Special Interview

In between his hectic schedule this week, I got the mother of all interviews.  I am hoping that this bunny is going to be a little more co-operative then the last bunny I interviewed. 

So without taking too much of his time up, let me introduce today’s very special guest.  The Easter Bunny.

From his roots, Jeff Bunny-Rabbit, with a family of 25 brothers and 38 sisters, dreamed of doing something different.  Of not standing in a field doing a meer cat impression every-time a car went past or playing “it” with the local bloodhounds.  His brother Eric was also up for this change of lifestyle, so began their journey.  This is the story of Jeff “Easter” Bunny.

Sy:  Mr Bunny.  An absolute pleasure to have you here, and to allow us time this of all weeks.

EB:  Sy, the pleasure is all mine.  You are a stand up guy, and someone I am happy to be interviewed by.

Sy:  You are too kind.  So.  lets start at the beginning.  What made you become the Easter Bunny?  Why Easter?  Why not say Christmas?

EB:  Ahh.  Well, as you know, my brother Eric chose to be the Valentines Bunny.  We sat down one night and he told me that was his choice.  He said “Jeff, I think you should be the Mothers Day Bunny”.  At first, I agreed, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was just not for me.   Firstly I dont want to be labelled a Mother Bunny, and secondly, my Mum had been a little “loose” when I was growing up.  Most of my brothers and sisters were of a different Dad.  It seemed wrong to choose Mothers Day.  I booked a holiday to Easter Island and while I was there, it just came to me.  I decided to drop the double barrelled surname and just keep the Bunny as a stage name.  My post still comes to Bunny-Rabbit.  I might not have been happy with my Mother growing up, but I didn’t want to lose her name forever.

Sy:  “Mother Bunny”.? That’s hilarious!

EB:  Yeah tell me about it!  Can you imagine the grief I would have got from friends?

Sy:  So Easter it was then.  What do you have to do in preparation for it, and what do you do on the day?

EB:  Yeah, you see, it is like this.  People assume I deliver these eggs.  That is insane.  Do I have a bunch of flying reindeer?  Do I have a sleigh?  Yeah I have a fluffy beard, but that is a genetic thing.  Basically, my job is to be the “Face of Easter”. 

Sy:  The face of Easter?  So how does that work?  It seems all PR and no ED!

EB:  ED??

Sy:  Egg Delivering.

EB:  Ahhh.  I get you.  Funny.  I see what you did there with the 2 letters thing.  The way it works is that people like Lindt Chocolatiers make a mould of me and then make a chocolate duplicate.  Then they sell it.  And people like Cadburys and Hershey’s send me loads of eggs and ideas of what they want to do, and I say what they should do.   Nothing goes ahead without the BS of A.

Sy:  BS of A??

EB:  Bunny Stamp of Approval.  See?  I can play this word game too!

Sy:  For a short fluffy thing, you are quite intelligent and quick witted!

EB:  You know it!  Aaaaaanyway.  My work is done a LONG time before Easter, thus why I can do this interview and have an easy life. 

Sy:  With your work done for the rest of the year, what will you be doing with your time?

EB:  I have a lot of plans.  I am taking a break to Easter Island.  The place where it all began.  During shooting for this years Easter Campaign, I got to know a girl called Jessica Beetle.  I am going to make an honest rabbit out of her, and she likes the idea of having a name like Jessica Bunny-Rabbit, so I popped the question yesterday.  Naturally she said yes!!!

Sy:  That’s awesome news!  Please come back for another interview once you are married and if there are any patters of tiny…

EB: One thing at a time eh?

Sy:  I hear ya.  OK, well, Easter, it has been fantastic to have you here, and good luck with the marriage. 

EB:  Thank you.

Well.  There you have it.  The often untold story of Jeff “Easter” Bunny.  He has kindly accepted a Q&A session, so if you have any questions for him, please leave them in the comments section and I will ask him to answer them. 

In the mean time, have a wonderful Easter and don’t feel bad about sending me Easter Egg donations via the hamster at the top right of the page.