A woman had a toilet seat removed from her behind after sitting on it for 2 years.  According to the story, her boyfriend brought her food and water every day.  The skin of her behind had grown round the toilet seat.  Police are also investigating the boyfriend to see if she was mistreated. (why didn’t he bring her curry instead?  I mean, you are already there for when the evacuation takes place).

There are people who laze about in front of the TV for longer, but they are OK.  I have had times where I have laid about like a vast slug, yet my skin has never attached itself to the TV.  So why the toilet?  What did she do for entertainment?  Unless she lived in one of those houses which has a little too much reading material next to the can…

I think I know why she chose the toilet.  I know some people that are so full of shhhurely there has to be a more comfortable place to sit.  Get a comode.  Adult nappies.  Use a cork.  There are ways to get out there and see the world without having to sit on the can 24×7.

Of course, on the issue of toilets…  Today the organisers of the Chinese Olympics have said they are refitting all of the toilets after athletes complained of having to squat.  I don’t know about the rest of my male readers, but I have never ever squatted in front of a urinal.  Why would you?  There is a comfy freeflowing thing going on there.  And just how did they find this out?  Did they get athletes from all around the world to go to Beijing and say “Hewoo, this our big stadium.  Go test toilet.  You test toilet now.  You complain, we kick you out.  You like, we make flied lice”. 

I just don’t get it.  I am now considering testing all the toilets in the building I work at and create a nice excel spreadsheet with a “Squatability factor” on it.  And then, should I find myself having a “Anyone got any immodium?” moment, I can find the best toilet for the job in seconds via a well written macro.

It is also worth mentioning that the shops are just not helping us with the staying off of the toilet issue.  According to THIS story, a London department store is selling a 70lb chocolate egg.  They also say it weighs the same as a 9 year old boy.  Now, when I was 9, I had a nice little chubby football playing kiddie frame.  Other kids had the “Damn dude…where’d the pies go?” and others disappeared when they stood sideways.  So which 9 year old boy is it?  And is it sexist that they made it the weight of a nine year old boy?  Does an 11 year old girl weigh the same as a 9 year old boy? 

Whatever way it is, if you eat a 70lb chocolate egg, or cook and eat a 9 year old boy, you are going to spent a lot of time using my spreadsheet.

As with all blogs and other sites, getting your name out there is important so people come and read it.  I am listed on several blog sites. 

Yesterday I tried to submit the site to the BritBlog site.   My submission was turned down because of a reason.  They would not give me one, they send out a stupid generic mail. 

I gave the reciprocal link to their site (now removed from mine) which they require.  My site is a blog.  The say the site has to be a blog.  You can leave comments and get an RSS feed, which they require.  It does not forward to another site.  It has to be run by a Brit.  I think I have that one down.  Infact, the list is fairly huge.   Not too many ads, I have none.  No pornography.  Nope.  Not a commercial site.  Nope.  In the About me section, it says I am an Englishman.  The email address I submitted on was a personal .co.uk domain and not a freebie hotmail.co.uk type address. 

I wrote an email to the site saying I would get a tattoo of the George Cross on my arse and post it, but that seems a touch excessive to getting a linking on a little site which is obviously going to amount to nothing.  I got a bounceback saying the mailbox was full.

So.  If you are a Brit, or indeed NOT a Brit.  Don’t waste your time trying to submit your site.  It seems that the site admin is a bit “out there”.  Although I am thinking that the admin is probably not even British.  More then likely an immigrant who thinks that because I can speak English, that I am not a true Brit.

On the boat you get Mr Sweeting.  Your lift to a new life awaits.

This post has been written to show the other side of a story.  Tamera wrote a post about a photo she was trying to take of an amphibian which was not interested in having it’s photo taken.  I recommend reading that before you read the below or this will mean nothing at all.  This post is seen through the eyes of the amphibian: 

It is with great pleasure that I have an internationally famous TV star to interview in this post.  He is Peter the Amphibian.  He was in many many shows such as “Natural Earth: Mother nature is going to bite you on the ass.”, “Amphibian Planet: Come a little closer.  I won’t bite.  Hard.” and the lesser known “Amphibians:  A Freaks story” amongst many others.   Peter is a dear friend of mine and has asked me to do this interview regarding some problems he had on a recent holiday with a crazed fan.

Sy:  Peter.  Great to see you again.  How are you?

P:  Hi.  Thank you Sy.  It is a pleasure to be here with you, and for the hospitality that you and your wife have shown me.  I didn’t eat your cat either.  She went outside to play, so if she doesn’t come back, I don’t know where she is. *burp*

Sy:  No problem my friend.  Now.  Lets talk about a holiday (or vacation for our American readers) you took recently.  What was supposed to be a quiet break ended up in you being stalked by some mad nutter with a camera?

P:  Indeed.  Let me tell you the story.  I went on a holiday to Houston, Texas.  A nice little retreat of a big lake and not too much in the way of people there.  Somewhere I could wind down after intense shooting of a TV show I am working on called “Gator Bater: Snap to it”.  Anyway, I was there enjoying a nice swim and out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman staring at me through a window of one of the nearby houses.  She starts pointing and saying something.  I couldn’t really tell as my lip reading is not that good, but it looked like complete gibberish.  Hell, it could have been Norwegian for all I know.

Anyway, she looked like she had left, so I carried on swimming, but then just a short while later, there she is again.  This time she is outside armed with a camera.   Do people just not realise I am here for a swim and nothing else?  So I decide to basically play dead.  I sunk further below the water and watched her.  Giving her the “Yeah I see ya.  Move on.  Nothing to see here” look.  But she blatantly stayed there for ages before disappearing.

Sy:  It sounds harrowing when all  you want is a break away from the fans!

P:  Oh for sure.  Well, get this.  I finally get back to the summer house I am renting, and there on the porch…a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.  And then next to it is this note.

Sy:  What did the note say?

P:  It said *gets note out of pocket* “I made you some special cookies and I milked the duck myself.  Enjoy”.

Sy:  She milked a duck?

P:  *laughing* I KNOW!!  At least she told me.  And I don’t even want to know what the “chocolate chips” were in the cookies.  But I noticed a rabbit cage in the garden where she was looking through the window.  But get this.  While I am reading the note, she jumps out of a bush and takes a photo!

Sy:  No way!  She was hiding in the bush?

P:  Sy, I am not making this up.  She stalked me.  Are there not enough pictures of me on Google already?  Why do people invade my privacy like this!

Sy:  So what did you do?

P:  I confronted her.  I asked what she was doing.  She said “I feel there could be a connection with you and I”

Sy: *Interrupting* Ohhh, don’t even finish that line.  I see where you are going.

P:  Yip.  Oh, and get this.  She wrote a blog post about my visit there!  I am never going back there again!  There was even a newspaper the following morning with a really cheesy headline on it!  Honestly, I refuse to set foot there again.

Sy:  I don’t blame you buddy.  Listen.  Thanks for your time today.  And thanks for sharing your story with my readers.

P:  It’s all good big guy.  Glad I could be here.  Wanna grab a beer?  *coughs up a hairball*

Peter can be seen on the Discovery channel every Sunday at 8pm in “Phibby’s world: Scaling new heights”, a show where you can see him trekking along the Southeastern States.  I have not found my cat yet.

Well, it seems the Winnie the Pooh post went down quite well, so I might do a few more.  If you have a favourite cartoon character from your childhood and want to read a “Life after fame” type post, stick a comment in.  Bear in mind I am English so only know English and American cartoons, so should you want another one, I will do a little research on the character before I do the post, so it may be a little wrong.  But it’s a world of fun out there! 

I have an idea for another one I might write tomorrow night, but I will see how time takes me.  A little busy enjoying the weekend with my wife at the moment as it doesn’t happen often with my work shifts!

Oh, and if you have any other ideas for a post you would like me to write, just say!  Not sure I can do the writing books though as I am just not that intelligent!  Or maybe this blog is a book in the making!  There is a thought.

Disclaimer:  I am a little tired today, and my funny bone doesn’t feel so.  So I apologise if this is worse then my usually low standards.  I have not actually gone for the “humour” angle on this one, so don’t expect too much!”

It was the “budget” over here in the UK today.  By “Budget”, they mean “Time to tax you a little closer to death people, and this is how you are going to pay!”.  A man called Darling, Alistair Darling (No, REALLY!), has the joy of deciding how much to take from where, and how little to give back.

Naturally it made sense to have someone called “Darling” decide.  Afterall, we have a Prime Minister called “Honey Bunches” and a Deputy Prime Minister called “Sweetie Pie”.  They belong to the “Cuddly Bear” party.  They decided the usual.  Raise taxes on the fun things in life (fast cars and alcohol) and reduce tax on…erm…hmmm.  Did they?  I would look, but no.  Lets not waste time.

I have decided therefore to create the Budgesy.  I was going to call it the Syget, but Budgesy keeps that name theme going with the government dudes as it sounds like budgie (of you say it right).

So without further ado, the 2008 Budgesy.

Members of the house.  It is necessary to raise money for health.   It is known that laughter is the best medicine.  To raise this money, it is decided that you will pay money towards a good cause and how much you pay is how much you believe is worth paying.  To create the laughter, the members of the cuddly bear party will be dressed up as something supremely stupid, decided in a poll (or whacked with a pole, it is not yet decided)  at a later date.  Answers for possible costume attire in the comments section please.  Note that the chosen outfits must be “gummy bear” compatible.  They will be thrown at them.

Alcohol. All tax is to be removed.  After all, kids will drink and there is no way of stopping them.  By removing tax does not mean they will drink more.  If they could drink 10 pints before, it is unlikely they can now drink 20 pints through it being cheaper.  As decided earlier, the members of the “cuddly bear” party will be dressed up as per choice of the voting public in a poll.  Before the dressing up of the government leaders, much alcohol will be consumed.  This will help the economy as the makers of alcohol will continue to be in business and will employ more people, thus lowering unemployment.  To tackle underage drinking, instead of making money from us good people and not helping the cause at all, underage drinkers will be wrapped in clingfilm and beaten with marsbars until sufficiently melted.  That’s the chocolate, not the teenager.  Oh, and so they dont melt too quickly, it will be done in a freezer at -18 degrees celsius.

Smoking.  I don’t smoke.  Never have.  Sorry.  I am raising tax by 80p per pack.  This money will go straight to me.  I have my eye on a yacht, and not being able to take money under the expenses claim, I am going to have to take it directly from you.  Rest assured though.  The once a month I go on the boat will be filled with an excitement not filled since the last time I dressed up as a gnome and went to the “Can you tell what it is yet” party.  Hmmm.  Stealing from the tax payer for my own personal gain.  I really COULD be a politician!

Petrol.  It has been decided that all tax be removed from petrol and diesel.  This will help people actually afford to go to work in the car they want rather then stuffed like cattle in a crowded train or tube.  If you are a lazy work dodging bum who just cannot be bothered to go to work, go to some other country and sponge off of their welfare state.  The cattle bus is leaving in 3 hours.  If you miss it, the same fate awaits you that awaits the underage drinkers.

Unlike the other budget done today which one point was:  “From October 2009, rules for housing and council tax benefit will mean families on benefit are better off in work.”, the Budgesy will make this change now.  Why wait a year and a half?  Ohhh…because you made it up as you went along and this was never in the plan before! I am starting to see how this works now!

So to summarise.  Vote for the “Cuddly Bear” party and you will get:

We will promise to spend money on the NHS.  And won’t.  We will promise to give money to families to help them.  And won’t.  (Of course, were they to not tax us to death on the first place, families wouldn’t need benefits!).  We will raise taxes on everything that most of the population like.  Nice cars, alcohol, smoking.

Come to the SLoP Party (Sy’s Liberation of Politics Party) and you will get:

The things you like.  The cheapest you have ever seen them (unless you are 90 years old).  People will go to work as it will mean your wages not being as taxed as much, you will lead a life more like royalty then Peasantry.

OK, so I expect the country to be broke inside of 2 years, but it will be the best party you ever had!

OK, so I have read this a couple of times and think it is somewhat rubbish, but hell…I wrote it, may as well post it!