Today was Mothers Day in the UK.  I know that most of the world have it on the 11th May, but how is this my issue if you can’t get it right.   Or is it some ploy to watch us have it and then you remember it in May?  Like some big build up?  The burning question to this is Do I care?  The answer is Oranges.

But regardless of who is right (we are) and who isn’t (that is you then), it was Mothers Day today.  Which meant I invited said Mother over for dinner and decided to make a chicken dish with some other stuff on the side.  So I went and bought a chicken.  It was not a happy chicken. 

I am not going to lie to you.  I was having trouble coming to terms with having to murder a chicken.  So therefore I was left with a live chicken running about the place being chased by the cat with me wondering how to cook it, until the time came for the decision to be made.

I opted for the “bung it in a hot place until cooked” option as this has never failed me in the past.  So do I put it in whole and alive or do I choke it to death first?  I decided that choking my chicken in front of my Mum would be too much of an uncomfortable experience for both her and me, and would only delay making dinner.  Therefore I lobbed the chicken in the oven. 

About 10 minutes in, a loud bang was heard and a big flash came from the oven followed by the fan slowing down and not much in the way of heat coming from the oven.   I am not sure what happened in the there, but the chicken was knocking on the glass asking to come out while holding a wrench.  I do believe this may have been a little “Chicken self preservation”.  I knew I should have choked it first. 

So there you have it.  You can’t trust a live chicken with a toolkit, and sometimes it may be better to choke it in front of your mother.  This will show her you are a real man, and dinner may actually happen.  Just wash your hands OK?

In other news, the oven died while cooking dinner today.  We got takeaway.  No chickens were harmed in the writing of this story.  The thing was already choked, plucked, cleaned and stuffed when I bought it.

I have decided this post is very angry compared to my usual standards.  So when you are done, or before you start, go here.  It will make you and me feel better!! 

Activists.  What are they good for?  Absolutely nothing.   Great song.  Shame it was so rubbish.

I like activists.  When I say “like”, I mean “Don’t really have time for”.  I understand the need for some of them, and the way some of them are done is great.  For instance, dressing up like Batman and climbing a building in the name of Fathers 4 Justice is quite frankly awesome.  A fringe group then deciding to kidnap the PM’s son in the name of the cause.  Stupid.  Reeeeeally really stupid. 

That is activists for you.  Some good idea’s, and some really stupid people running them.

But the tree hugging bath dodging activists and Greenpeace.  Noooo time at all for them.  Greenpeace especially who seem to have taken their fight to the heady heights of “Lets ruin it for all of mankind” rather then going for the attainable side of things.  Ever since the naughty French Secret Service blew up their little boat they just have not been the same.  But then, the French had a very good reason to blow it up.  That reason was “Because we want to”.  Or something like that.  I dunno.  I don’t honestly care.

But back to DisasterPeace.  I can see their planning of the recent Heathrow “jaunt”.  Sitting round a table in a warm room polluting the environment rather then just wearing 11 jumpers and a big coat deciding the best way to get public opinion on your side is to go to an airport, jump on the back of a plane and stick a banner up.  Because delayed flights is the way to make people happy.  Everyone loves a good plane delay because some bunch of hippies are scared of a big scary runway. 

But they don’t stop there.  Once attached to the tail fin, they used mobile phones to send pictures of themselves on the plane.  I can only assume this is to show the children when they don’t get to see Mummy and Daddy anymore because they are in a mental prison for being some of the dumbest human beings on earth.  I bet that if you took in to account the amount of time planning this job and all the tools used to implement it, they probably threw more CO2 in the air then we do in a month.  How did I work this out?  Well I hate them.  So they automatically use more then the average person.   They also talk bollocks.  So all the hot air warms up the planet more then the average conversation.

So what if they succeed?  What if I cannot go to my relatives wedding thus missing out on an impressively exciting day becuse someone wanted to hug the tail fin of a plane?  Well the good news is that they will never win.  Because the people they are trying to stop doing things (i.e the government) don’t listen to anyone!

Oh and don’t forget to check out their new flag!  It is soooo pretty.  You almost want to print it out and attach it to the fridge with the other drawings your 2 year old done mid way through a severe vomiting fit.

Gosh this was an almost angry post!  I feel that I should make things a little easier to leave you with as I know you are at the moment all pent up with rage.  So have a look at this.  The police were giving children between 4 and 10 years old a gun to point at people and pull the trigger.  I am not sure what you are expecting to see after the wedding link earlier, but I don’t make this stuff up.  I just report it and warp all the facts a little.

I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. No really, I don’t care. I am talking about the Oscars. I didn’t even know they were last night. But now I am forced to endure watching it on Sky News with the sound down and a machine making up the words as it goes along in the name of real time subtitles. The word Found becomes Ford. Some guy has a belt and is at work. Huh? See I cannot decipher that one at all and am supposed to find out about interesting and informative news articles.

But really. Award ceremonies are as fake as Disney. And they always make us Brits look stupid. Yeah we win stuff because frankly, we rule. This is not open to discussion or alteration because it is true. But why is it that whenever you see a Hollywood “Star” from the States get an award, they are there with a great tan and trying to hide the fact they knew they would win with a fake smile and a “Oh, I didn’t do a speech, but hey, let me reel off these 200 words without stuttering or making it look like I am making it up”. Whereas us Brits get up there and look stupid.

Some woman I have never heard of in a film I will never watch won an Oscar. I know she is a Brit as the subtitle machine told me that the goose flies at dawn. But the clip shows her getting up and then she vanished. I would say that her skin had the shine of brilliant white but damn…if she got any more pale she would be transparent! Get some fake tan or something! You look like a goddamn Eskimo.

But if you want real news, then look no further then the story of a man who died after eating too many fairy cakes. No really. He did. No I know, you just can’t make this stuff up. He was of course in a fairy cake eating competition. But then, why wouldn’t you be? See, it is sad that he has died, but lets be honest. If you are gonna go, at least go in a manly way. “Yeah, he died fighting a pack of lions. He took 3 out before they got him” sounds way better then “He was eating fairy cakes and now he is dead. He took 3 out before he finally went…”

The world is a scary place people. That is why I have my little mental cocoon I live in which is padded so as not to hurt myself.

*** I apologise to any new readers. This wont be my best post, but I wrote it and had nothing better to post today! ***

Just to be no different to every other post, I am going to talk crap. Well, actually I am going to talk *about* crap. Why? you may ask. Why not! It is the one thing I have in common with the whole world!

I am trying to understand the differences between Man, Woman and Animal.

For instance, Confucius once said “Bear who poo in woods, yank no chain”. He also said “Man who poo in toilet, need big paper roll”. But then, that Confucius was one weird chap. Very good cook though from what I heard. He also never really spoke about women. Pretty sure that is a Freudian issue which we can cover in another post.

The reason I came up with this post is because after watching; no, watching is such a strong word. After being subjected to being in the same room as my cat when she decided that the litter tray was looking a little empty and the room was smelling a little fresher then it needed too, she sent off a kitten payload and then proceeded to throw as much cat litter as she could on to the surrounding floor in the name of covering it up while a green mist abused my nostrils.

As a man, I know that every so often there is the inability to “hit the pan” when emptying our collective bladders, which leads to public toilets smelling like the smell of death. But women do not have this issue. I once “accidentally” stumbled in to the women’s toilet and it was a meadow with fluffy bunnies and smelt of the sweetest smelling rose.

So a cat throws her stoney toilet paper around. A man hits the floor no matter what we do in the name of good aiming and a woman comes out smelling of roses.

But the cat is female. So why is she so messy? Why does she not smell of the roses that a woman does. (you know, I have NO idea where I am going with this.)

In fact, why am I even talking about how a women and a cat go to the toilet? Well, it is called investigative journalism by a man with too much time on his hands.

I have done some research on this subject. And when I say research, I mean I am just making this up as I go along. Feel free to stop reading and read one of my other posts, as I think this one, just like the subect matter is not suitable for human consumption.

According to my head, it is related to the major chemical differences between the 3 species.

There are some things us blokes just don’t find important so we get on with it and get out to carry on with what we were doing. Unless you are a metro sexual man of course, and then you put skin softener on your behind to make it feel pretty and dab something nice smelling on your face as you leave the bathroom. You then check every mirror you pass in case the 11Kgs of hair gel holding your entire body together isn’t coming off, just like your orange tan.

To a woman, the act of visiting a bathroom is more about how good you can look coming out of it. Thus why some men can finish a 3 course meal waiting for their other half to come back to the table. This leads to a whole manner of items being sprayed and the bathroom aroma is pleasant, which leads to the fluffy bunnies setting up home there and the grassy meadow’s and rolling fields having the deep green grass of home colour.

The cat on the other hand thinks knows I am her personal slave, so makes a mess, sniffs it and realises her eyes are watering so looks and me and saunters off content in the knowledge that 20 seconds later I will have a dustpan and brush in my hand and my head too close to the litter tray.

So there you have it. Absolutely no clarification whatsoever. In fact… Worst. Post. Ever. It really was crap! Please come back…the next post will be so much better. Promise.

I bought a couple of domain names in order to move this blog to newer pasteu…pastue…places. I know you are feeling the excitement as much as I am. I wish I could be there to share it with you, but alas…you are on your own on this one. I have my own worries in life.

So what will change? Not much. I will change to the new domains of www.wheelturninghamsterdead.co.uk and www.wheelturninghamsterdead.com (both pointing to the same place. Why buy 2? Because I CAN!) and in the process probably delete every damn post I have and realise my backup is not backed up. So I will cry a little, go to Google and try and get copies from Google cache, fail miserably and then walk up to my wife and tell her I think I need a hug. Get told to grow up, it is only a website and go to the cat and try the same trick. Get hug.

So there you have it. Like Kentucky Fried Chicken renaming to KFC. Like Burger King renaming to BK. Like that dude who had a sex change getting a girls name. Nothing will change except the name. This of course is not the same for the sex change dude(ette) and you should probably ignore that line.

I will let you know when to change the URL. I will leave both running for a while though so when I screw up I have a backup!

I can’t think of a good image for this post as I want to go to bed…so forgive me.

It is with great sadness that I write this post. It is sad because it is about a place where I was born and spent the first 20 years of my life. And the local government; the people who created my education, are going to the stupid island.

The article reads:

A Kent council has taken action against scam letters and emails which blight letterboxes and email in-boxes.
Special bins have been placed around Medway where letters which promise anything from miracle health cures to get rich quick schemes can be thrown.
Medway Council said the correspondence would be analysed to help prevent others becoming victims of scam mail, which is often sent from abroad.
The campaign is part of the national Scams Awareness Month.

They are kidding right? Because if you are stupid enough to believe the letter in the first place, why on Satans spotty left buttock cheek are you going to throw it away? And Scams Awareness Month? Now I don’t trust anyone called SAM.

Or…are the goverment guys ingeniously clever by taking away all these letters of promising goodies and then getting the money themselves. It would not surprise me. The government have been stealing off of us since day 1, so this could be a new scam of their’s. Rather then robbing us under the guise of tax, they steal our letters of promised wealth! Hell, this could be a conspiracy theorists dream come true!

And these theft collection points they talk of are all in libraries. I am pretty sure that the more gullible in society are not spending too much time in the library.

On the boat you get.

Sticking with government, the next in the queue to have their passports removed are the people who control the road signs on motorways.

A few days ago I was happily driving down the road and it was somewhat white out of my window. Visibility was just not that good. Infact I could barely see the lights of the car in front of me. So they made the big sign on the side of the road say “Warning. Fog.” Of course there bloody well is! What do you think I am driving through now you numbskull? Why not make the sign read “You are driving forwards on a road” instead, as that will be as much use to me. Then by mid afternoon, I drove down the same stretch of road. It was now blue sky and sunny. “Warning. Fog.” the sign read. It is on days like that when I appreciate how much tax we pay for everything car related. They obviously employ the smartest people they can get for the billions of pounds we give them in tax!

Of course, I know that everyone should have a job. It is only fair. But important government agencies?? They need to choose better. An example of this is my replacement at a job I left. Electric shock therapy couldn’t kick start his brain, and he used to work for a government agency.

I guess by sending stupid people from the government to the stupid island, they can carry on with their day job.

Moving away from the government, I would also like to send a teenager in the area where I live to the island. Why just the one you may be thinking. Well, this one has a laugh like a hyena being attacked with a tickle stick at the same time as being punched over and over again in the voicebox while the other hyena’s take turns to shove varying objects in to his rectum. Ugh…he must be about 15 and nope…if he has any, they haven’t dropped yet.

I give up.

So what are they trying to saying? I hate ad campaigns that hide the real meaning, or really beat about the bush and don’t get to the point.

I spent the last 20 minutes on it and have got no further. I am pretty sure it is an advert for some exotic vegetable, but I am just not sure.