It is quite surreal when you hear the words “
Before we fly…there is one thing we need to do.” and then your wife reaches for the bumper pack of pregnancy kits she bought off of eBay a while ago. When I say bumper pack, I mean there was about 50 of the things. Tiny little silver packets containing a small stick that should it show 2 lines, technically bankrupts you for the next 20 years.
Don’t get me wrong. We were trying for a credit destroyer, so knowing the quantity of sticks in the draw was no surprise.
But that fateful night, in the space of a pee in a cup and a dip of a stick, things changed!
It started with those immortal words I wrote at the top. I eagerly open the wrapper for said stick and she wanders in to the bathroom to fill a cup. A short while later (it felt like 3 hours) she emerges with a cup full of nothing. “I cant go!“. Now, us men understand this one. At some point in time we have all had the shy bladder.
Normally when you are standing at a urinal after queueing for 5 minutes and when you get there…nothing. Sweet FA. Nice to know that women get this too!!
“So shall I put the test away?” I ask. “No, it cant be left open. It is void so we have to open a new one later“. During the 2 years I have been with my wife, I have heard how she had a
childhood where her family didn’t have much. Indeed, seeing my wife waste anything is a very rare occasion. But if the test was going bad and it couldn’t be used, then only one thing could happen.
With a semi full bladder, off to the bathroom I went. I watch eagerly to see if I am pregnant and the test line appears, so I know it is a valid test…but that is all.
Kinda lucky really as being a bloke, I was in for nothing but a world of pain had I got 2 lines from my urine. An hour later, and she can finally muster the ability to fill a cup. Of course, when I say “fill”, I mean “A small dribble, but just enough to dip the stick in.” By now I have decided that as she got to do various other tests on her own, this one I was going alone.
There I stood in our bathroom. Alone. A cup of my wife’s best urine in one hand and a stick in the other. My wife at this point is laying on the bed surrounded by clothes and suitcases ready for the flight the next afternoon.
1 line appeared. Well, I expected that. I had the same when I did “my” test earlier. I yawned a little, and took stock of the bathroom. Then I took a leak. Then I had a quick check of the stick before I binned it. 2 lines.
“Huh! That’s something different!” and off I wandered to the bedroom. At this point, my wife is half asleep on the bed. “Honey… what does the 2nd line mean?” “ohhh..that the test one to say the test worked.” “nooooo….that’s the top line. What does the BOTTOM line mean?” Ohhh…NOW she’s awake!
She said “Wow” a lot. I said “F*&k” a lot. Not in a bad way. More of a “Really? My potatoes actually sent out the goods, didn’t get lost or weren’t afraid to ask for directions?” kind of way. Actually, at one point I spelt it out on a scrabble board. You don’t get many points for that.
So. To take stock of the situation to now. I do 1 test. 1 line. I do 1 test with wife’s goods and 2 lines.
At this point she says the immortal words “I had better stop drinking!” and downed the glass of wine she was drinking while packing.
You would think this would end there. But no. This is my wonderful wife. “What if the test is wrong? I better do another one in the morning.” So. The next morning, she climbs out of bed and appears a few minutes later and shakes a pee drenched stick which was just dipped in the contents of this mornings cup at me. Lovely. “This one has 2 lines but is a bit fainter then last nights. I am doing another one.” So she does. And guess what…that one ALSO has 2 lines.
So. That’s 3 sticks she tests which have 2 lines and 1 test that I test that doesn’t. Conclusive? Well, to me and you…of course! 40 minutes later I am standing in Superdrug buying a ClearBlue test. Unsurprisingly, that came up positive.
She still doesn’t believe it.
A week later while on holiday she isn’t feeling too good. We visit the doctors and he does a scan.
She finally believes it!
Since we got back from holiday, she has slept a lot. And bought a LOT of books. And seems to have booked freebies from every pregnancy site on the net. But the one thing she is using a lot… “I have pregnancy brain“. OK, I wont ever know the feeling of a human being growing in my body. But She is 7 weeks pregnant. What excuse does she have the last 30 years of making the same still mistakes and forgetfulness that she is now blaming on pregnancy brain?
I am going to have a shadow pregnancy. What she gets…I get. Which is why I was the dipstick holding the stick to dip in the urine.
Without moving to a moaning part of my life too much… British Gas STILL haven’t fixed the boiler. I told them my wife is pregnant. They don’t care. 3 weeks to fix a piece of plastic and counting. Anyone know a good lawyer or know what I can do to sue the living hell out of them?
So that’s another installment in the event that is my life. In the next installment you will hear about…erm…I dunno. I will wing it and see how we get on!
Until then.
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 
