I give up. What the hell do you buy a woman for Christmas? I had great ideas last year and the year before that, but there are only so many times I can buy her a toy reindeer that poops out chocolate raisins before it starts to get very old for her.
So being the ingenious dude that I am, I went a hunting online (me and shops…well, I get a little touchy in shops. So online it is.) and what did I find? Every single site sells the same damn stuff. The problem is that most of the stuff is going to end up in divorce.
Armed with Google, I searched for “gifts for her that isn’t a crapping reindeer”. What did I find? An ironing board cover. Now OK. Everyone needs an ironing board cover for their ironing board. And this one had a naked man on it.
Sounds great. Except that if I get her a gift that involves being folded up in a dark room until she needs it, and then covers it with clothes and begins burning the hell out of it; well I just think I am going to hear “ahh…that is lovely. You got the receipt still right?” on Christmas day.
So what do I buy her? Name a star after her? Again, if I give her a gift that has a certificate with her pet name on it (numbnuts), she is going to get annoyed with that too.
Maybe some clothes would work. Well, except that I wouldn’t be able to get her anything. In fact heed my warning any men reading this. Do NOT buy them clothes. Why? Well, how often do they put clothes on and say to you “How about this one!” and you say “Oh yes. That is spiffing my little bunch of fluffiness”….and they walk out the room and change. So basically whatever you choose they are going to change with something else.
So then. Give her money! Except that you are then seen as unoriginal in the eyes of her friends when she says “oh, he gave me money because he knew he couldn’t get the perfect gift”. From that day forward I get told what a loser I am. And ya know, I already know that without being reminded and then having to really pull the rabbit out of the hat on Valentines to make up for it.
I then ventured to the “adult fun” section of the “gifts for her” sites. If I go buying her something from this section, all I am going to hear is “So this gift is about you then!” which yeah OK…but I already bought the battery recharger, so hell, I may as well get the gifts.
So I am left with the choices of:
A sweet talking bear (because nothing says “I got you a bear because there was nothing else to buy!” like a bear that says “I wuv you wunny bunny”)
Digital luggage scales (nothing says “I want you to move out and fly back to South Africa” like digital luggage scales)
Chocolate scrabble (Do you spell “lard arse” before she eats it?)
Or a hot polar bear to keep her warm (because every woman wants ANOTHER cuddly toy)
But I am not making it up! Examples HERE.
So any ideas people? Come on…inspiration is required in the next day before I look a total loser next week!
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 