3 months ago, like much of the world, I picked up my comfy desk chair and laptop and decided I would not see anybody else for a few months. On paper this sounds like a great idea. And being a massive introvert, not seeing people is freakin AWESOME. Like many people I replaced my morning commute of “wake up. Snooze. Snooze. One more time. OK fine, one more. Ah shit…I am SO late. Rush morning ritual. Get in car. get to work.” with “Wake up. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Realise I dont drive to work now. Change my alarm to a later time. Snooze. Get up, walk 10 metres. Realise laptop was on all night. Start work.”
It worked well. Until I realised actually I kinda miss interaction. So I decided to make new friends. They were Kit Kats. Mint Club bars. Multi packs of crisps. And to keep them close to me, I would eat them all and then go buy members of their family and bring them to my stomach too. It was great. So then I started on sausage rolls. And Cornish pasties. I had a happy community in me. I would sit working while adding more and more people to my new found friendships.
But this is 2020 and that means for the positive, something weird had to happen. Shortly after I started making new friends, the washing machine shrunk literally all my clothes. Hell, some hadnt even been in there for weeks and they also shrunk. Like, how messed up can this year get?? The washing machine has become self aware, thinks I am ignoring it in favour of my new friends and is now trying to piss me off.
But you know, I am a forgiving guy who understands that people (and appliances) get lonely. So I sat down with it and said “Look…I am going to stop making new friends. Just me and you OK? But also, I am going to start going out for a long walk twice a day to get away from work. It isn’t anything to do with you, I still want to be your friend, it is just really nice outside and I fancy going for some long walks in the sun.”
The washing machine ignored me. Some washing machines are like that.
But for a couple of weeks I committed to my new plan. I went outside more. I didn’t make any new friends at all. The washing machine didnt make my clothes any smaller. A happy medium had been met.
Then I went shopping and bought some apples. Some normal green apples. I never mentioned them being friends. I never said they are nor they will be. The complete arse is now making my clothes BIGGER.
2020 is a friggin mess.
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